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agonyaunt2019-04-06 12:00 pm
movingfinger) wrote in agonyaunt2019-04-06 12:00 pm
Miss Manners: Woman crosses major boundaries
Dear Miss Manners: I am at a loss. I got married last year, and not even two months after we had been married, I had a woman cross some major boundaries. This woman is not a relative on either side, and she only vaguely knows my husband's family.
She wheedles invitations to family events out of people who won't tell her no. During a potluck, she cornered me and said that she knew what the gender of our first baby was and that I would be pregnant in less than a month. I was incredibly unnerved by the interaction, considering this was only the second time I had met her and my husband and I had only been back from our honeymoon for less than six weeks. I am especially unhappy about a cat-and-mouse game she played about knowing but not telling the gender of our future baby. I have only two options when it comes to children, boy or girl. I can't give birth to a litter of kittens!
She also tells me each time she sees me that she loves my laugh. She might tell me three or more times at a single event. It makes me incredibly self-conscious, and I don't know how to address that she has mentioned it beyond what is polite or even normal. (I will acknowledge that I do have a unique and distinctive laugh and regularly get comments about it from new people. But most people mention it once or twice, then move on.)
My husband and I have discovered that we are expecting. I am dreading telling his family simply because of this woman. How do I tell her that she has crossed boundaries and that I don't want to discuss my pregnancy nor my laugh with her?
A: Aha! So she was right about the pregnancy! Miss Manners does not think that her peculiar behavior was warranted, just that you might give her credit for calling it correctly.
She should be treated as any other over-attentive acquaintance. “You are so kind to notice my laugh and to take an interest in our lives. But I am afraid that we are not in a position to discuss personal family matters or the particulars of the baby’s birth at this time.” What position you are in and what time it will take place is also none of her business.
She wheedles invitations to family events out of people who won't tell her no. During a potluck, she cornered me and said that she knew what the gender of our first baby was and that I would be pregnant in less than a month. I was incredibly unnerved by the interaction, considering this was only the second time I had met her and my husband and I had only been back from our honeymoon for less than six weeks. I am especially unhappy about a cat-and-mouse game she played about knowing but not telling the gender of our future baby. I have only two options when it comes to children, boy or girl. I can't give birth to a litter of kittens!
She also tells me each time she sees me that she loves my laugh. She might tell me three or more times at a single event. It makes me incredibly self-conscious, and I don't know how to address that she has mentioned it beyond what is polite or even normal. (I will acknowledge that I do have a unique and distinctive laugh and regularly get comments about it from new people. But most people mention it once or twice, then move on.)
My husband and I have discovered that we are expecting. I am dreading telling his family simply because of this woman. How do I tell her that she has crossed boundaries and that I don't want to discuss my pregnancy nor my laugh with her?
A: Aha! So she was right about the pregnancy! Miss Manners does not think that her peculiar behavior was warranted, just that you might give her credit for calling it correctly.
She should be treated as any other over-attentive acquaintance. “You are so kind to notice my laugh and to take an interest in our lives. But I am afraid that we are not in a position to discuss personal family matters or the particulars of the baby’s birth at this time.” What position you are in and what time it will take place is also none of her business.
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LW, is it worth telling husband's family that she makes you uncomfortable? I assume by your writing Miss Manners rather than someone else that you want to be polite to this person, but if Miss Manners' polite version doesn't work, feel free to get more direct. The Captain Awkward "let it be uncomfortable, she is making it uncomfortable, so let her feel it" advice is probably pertinent here.
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(Then again, I'm one of those 'don't mention you're pregnant until it's almost upon you to deliver or the fetus can survive outside the uterus in case of Problems or Otherwise' people. Family history.)
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LW: be vague and pleasant, and always have another place to be.
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Ignore this odd woman, do your best to avoid her and perhaps even tell family members you trust that she makes you uneasy?
She is violating all your boundaries.
If, upon discovery of the pregnancy, she comes out with anything I would flatly remind her that while some couples may get pregnant quickly and wish to others do not, cannot or wish not and it is no one's business.
Why are people so weird? Why does everyone want to be involved in a person growing a person? It is not like it is rare or new.
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Miss Manners' actual advice, in the second paragraph, is fine but not great. It's almost the exact approach my sister has taken with her GMIL-w-dementia, because it's polite and kind to someone who can't help it.