agonyaunt | Carolyn Hax: "Our daughter came out as a lesbian...my husband's parents are very upset."

Q: How to help our daughter

Dear Carolyn, Our 30-year-old daughter came out as a lesbian in December. For my husband and me, the coming out was really just a formality; we've always known. But my husband's 80+ yo parents are shocked and very upset. They paid our daughter's (in-state) college tuition and have helped her with a few other financial difficulties along the way, and they have announced that if she is going to "live as a homosexual" (as opposed to either living celibate or dating men against her will), then she could consider their money on loan and they expect to be paid back. Our daughter is furious and on principle wants to repay them as they've asked, and then have nothing else to do with them. Doing so would create major financial hardship for her, and we believe it would be wrong of them to let her. We could repay them on her behalf, but would that be caving to tyranny? How do we handle this?

A: Carolyn Hax

1. You don't handle this, your daughter does.

2. Why doesn't she pay them in installments? Monthly, by check, mailed, no further comment?

Not just to lessen the financial hardship, but also to give these grandparents a regular reminder of who's choosing to be honorable in this scenario as they deposit their granddaughter's checks.

They may not even be able to see that, but that's all the more reason for your daughter to buy her emotional freedom from them.

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I would advise the daughter to make one significant donation to a gay charity in her grandparents' name, with a single word in the memo section:

"No."

And move in to have the joyful, queer life she deserves.

Edited (Oh het off, autocorrect) 2019-04-05 20:01 (UTC)