I met my girlfriend’s parents – and realised I once slept with her father

[conuly]

She is everything to me and I was going to propose – but now he has told me to end it with her

Five years ago, I went through a bi phase and used to sleep around with pretty much everyone that came along, including other men. This changed when I fell in love with my new partner, who is everything to me. I recently met her parents and halfway through lunch realised that I had slept with her father. I was going to propose, but when my partner and her mother were away, he told me to end it with his daughter. I’m obviously in love – shall I just ignore him, or tell my partner?

I am not sure you could ever have a comfortable future with your new partner. To tell the truth would be to court disaster: a probable break-up, plus the risk of a permanent rift between father and daughter and father and wife. Hiding the truth would lead to toxic secret-keeping that could be equally destructive in the long run. If this whole family was as open-minded and sexually open as you, it might be possible for you to become part of it. However, the father – your former lover – has made it clear that you will not be welcome. Walk away now, and avoid the massive pain that would otherwise be inflicted on your partner, her family and yourself.

Comments

[conuly]

OP didn't "go through a bi phase", OP was promiscuous and I guess also bi. Which is fine - he didn't do anything wrong presuming it was all consensual. The person who did something wrong here, and is continuing to do something wrong, is whoever intentionally cheated on what was clearly *supposed* to be a monogamous marriage. (If it wasn't, then I don't know why all this secrecy and forbidding.)

[frenzy]

^ this. i was definitely yikes-ing at 'bi phase'. like, i recognise orientation can be fluid and i am totally not going to tell someone what they should identify as. But too many people out there seem to think being bi is just a phase.

[lilysea]

It's not the father's call to make.

I think the boyfriend has the right to talk honestly to his girlfriend about it, and see if they can get past it. He has done nothing wrong.

Also, the girlfriend deserves the right to have a choice, not just to have her boyfriend leave her for (as far as she knows) no reason.

[larryhammer]

This.

[rmc28]

Definitely.

I would hope boyfriend has mentioned his prior promiscuous sleeping around; if she's ok with that, she should have the choice to see if she's still ok knowing who one of those lovers is.

Also, she should *definitely* know that her father is willing to tell boyfriend to break up with her and why, and what her boyfriend is willing to do in response.

[cadenzamuse]

Absolutely this!

[ashbet]

Yeah, I don't think the father has a lot of rights here, other than to not be outed to his wife -- but this is material to his daughter's life, and I think SHE should have the right to decide whether or not she wants to deal with this level of family drama.

Were I the boyfriend, I'd get her consent before dropping the bomb -- i.e., "Look, something has come up that could seriously affect my relationship with you and your relationship with your family, are you okay with discussing it?"

[minoanmiss]

This. Whatever this advice columnist got paid should be yours instead.

[julian]

What a curiously retrograde father.

If, as seems likely, he doesn't have an open marriage, but sleeps around, *and* is then trying to protect his daughter from a... guy who sleeps around, then yuck.

I have no idea what kind of advice I'd give this person, but it does seem as if the dad is more than a bit of an obstruction.

[rymenhild]

Yes. Dad is afraid he'll be outed for cheating as well as bisexuality, so the best solution for him is getting boyfriend out of the way before he can make unfortunate disclosures.

[julian]

Yep. I imagine there's one small factor of, "I don't approve of people who sleep around," but it does seem like most of it's self-interest.

(Which would make for an uncomfortable in-law life even if LW did decide to try and stay with the girlfriend.)

[oursin]

What struck me about this was either it's an old letter reprised, or a very similar problem has come up before: because I got a real sense of deja vu reading this. Or maybe it wasn't this particular column, though I thought it was.

[ellen_fremedon]

I'm getting deja vu because I've read this fic.

[cadenzamuse]

Well, how did the fic end? Clearly, that would be good advice! ;) ;) ;)

[sciatrix]

There's a suspiciously similar letter floating around from five years ago, so perhaps that is why?

[oursin]

That's the one! - I was thinking it was also PSC.

[quinfirefrorefiddle]

I am not in favor of outing people without their consent, but, if Dad has been sleeping around, he may have exposed Mom to STDs and have endangered her health in really scary ways. Mom does deserve to know she should get thoroughly checked.

[jadelennox]

This is a thing I've been thinking since a friend's husband cheated on her years ago, and their mutual friends knew for months that it was happening but didn't want to tattle. And I kept thinking, when I heard, that those friends he was potentially endangering her health or even life, and they acted like it was a middle school gossip situation.

[cereta]

Yeah, this has always been a thing for me, because a lot of the time in those situations, the advice people get is not to tell/not your business, and I have to say, if there was anything that would make finding out my spouse had cheated feel worse, it would be finding out that someone whom I considered a friend had known and not told me. It plays into a lot of my insecurities, but the practical question of health risks is bad enough.