minoanmiss (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
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agonyaunt2012-08-02 11:10 am
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2012-08-02 11:10 am
Prudie advocates pressuring a transwoman to out herself.
Needless to say, this has a HUGE trigger warning for transphobia, as well as interferingness.
There’s Something About Mary
In a live chat, Prudie offers advice on a woman who hasn’t told her boyfriend she used to be a man. [ed. note: *shudder*]
Q. My Female Cousin Won't Tell Her Boyfriend She Used To Be Male!: My cousin is a beautiful woman, formerly a man. She has done a couple of modeling jobs as well. She has a lot of guys after her but never had a serious relationship until now. She met my co-worker "John" several months ago and things are starting to get serious. That's why I was surprised to discover that she hasn't told him about her gender reassignment. I usually think that the past is generally best left in the past, but this to me is a huge exception. By hiding her past as a man, I feel that my cousin is hiding a big and important chunk of her life. My cousin says that John does not want kids anyway so she has no reason to tell him. I now feel guilty whenever I see John. I know that only a handful of people outside the family know, but expected her to tell John when they got serious. Should I insist on her telling him, or butt out of it entirely?
A. I agree that beginning a relationship does not require presenting your new love interest a due-diligence dossier, nor a cheek swab of one's DNA. But there is some information that potential partners are entitled to pretty early on; these include one's marital status, STD test results, interactions with law enforcement, relevant medical conditions (including previous substance abuse problems), questions about sexual orientation, and gender at birth. For some potential partners the information revealed may elicit a shrug: "I have herpes, too." For others it will be a deal-breaker: "I appreciate you're telling me you've got three kids out of wedlock, but I think we're just at different places in our lives." That Juliette was born Jason is just one of those things that will be revealed eventually. Juliette should realize the dishonesty of not telling could itself become a relationship ender. When relationships get serious, that usually leads to visits with the family, and often a look at childhood photo albums. Juliette will either have to keep John away, or ask her family to do an Soviet-style editing of history. It's just not going to work—someone is going to out Juliette, and surely she knows it. I think you should tell your cousin she's living in a dream world and that she's being unfair to John, even if he has a lack of desire for children. Of course, it could be that John flees, or it could be that he says, "She's more than woman enough for me." But it's his right to know the crucial piece of history. You are in a difficult position since you have relationships with both parties, but you didn't fix up John and Juliette, so you don't bear that moral responsibility of letting him know. I think you should tell your cousin you will not be the one to deliver the news to John. If he brings up the relationship with you, you can be non-committal and tight-lipped and just say you're glad to hear he's enjoying your cousin's company.
There’s Something About Mary
In a live chat, Prudie offers advice on a woman who hasn’t told her boyfriend she used to be a man. [ed. note: *shudder*]
Q. My Female Cousin Won't Tell Her Boyfriend She Used To Be Male!: My cousin is a beautiful woman, formerly a man. She has done a couple of modeling jobs as well. She has a lot of guys after her but never had a serious relationship until now. She met my co-worker "John" several months ago and things are starting to get serious. That's why I was surprised to discover that she hasn't told him about her gender reassignment. I usually think that the past is generally best left in the past, but this to me is a huge exception. By hiding her past as a man, I feel that my cousin is hiding a big and important chunk of her life. My cousin says that John does not want kids anyway so she has no reason to tell him. I now feel guilty whenever I see John. I know that only a handful of people outside the family know, but expected her to tell John when they got serious. Should I insist on her telling him, or butt out of it entirely?
A. I agree that beginning a relationship does not require presenting your new love interest a due-diligence dossier, nor a cheek swab of one's DNA. But there is some information that potential partners are entitled to pretty early on; these include one's marital status, STD test results, interactions with law enforcement, relevant medical conditions (including previous substance abuse problems), questions about sexual orientation, and gender at birth. For some potential partners the information revealed may elicit a shrug: "I have herpes, too." For others it will be a deal-breaker: "I appreciate you're telling me you've got three kids out of wedlock, but I think we're just at different places in our lives." That Juliette was born Jason is just one of those things that will be revealed eventually. Juliette should realize the dishonesty of not telling could itself become a relationship ender. When relationships get serious, that usually leads to visits with the family, and often a look at childhood photo albums. Juliette will either have to keep John away, or ask her family to do an Soviet-style editing of history. It's just not going to work—someone is going to out Juliette, and surely she knows it. I think you should tell your cousin she's living in a dream world and that she's being unfair to John, even if he has a lack of desire for children. Of course, it could be that John flees, or it could be that he says, "She's more than woman enough for me." But it's his right to know the crucial piece of history. You are in a difficult position since you have relationships with both parties, but you didn't fix up John and Juliette, so you don't bear that moral responsibility of letting him know. I think you should tell your cousin you will not be the one to deliver the news to John. If he brings up the relationship with you, you can be non-committal and tight-lipped and just say you're glad to hear he's enjoying your cousin's company.
no subject
That said, I find this whole situation *cough*imaginary*cough* improbable. It's the sort of thing some cis people imagine trans people are doing all the time, and which most trans people do not do at all because this is real life, not The Crying Game. "Oh, this bottle of Premarin in the bathroom cabinet? I use it for my dental caries!"
If it went down the way the LW says, I would bet her cousin had either already disclosed or was thinking about whether this relationship was reaching the point where she wanted to, when LW comes out with this panicked babble of "Oh no, have you told him your Dark Secret yet?" and the cousin got annoyed and asked "No, why should I?"
no subject
Also, Prudie has absolutely no knowledge, clearly, that revelation is an exceptionally vulnerable and dangerous thing that has cost trans people, especially trans women, their lives. Glibly referring to taking great care in managing that vulnerability and assessing that danger as dishonesty shows a fundamental ignorance that should've stopped her from commenting.
Wait, stopping Prudie from commenting? Pfffffft.
no subject
(Also I felt her answer to the sleepover sex question in the same post was ridiculous as well.)
no subject