Ask Amy:Hosts struggle turning home to gluten-free zone

[cereta]

Dear Amy: Every year my husband and I host a holiday get-together for several of our friends and neighbors. We provide the main dish, a couple of sides and drinks. We ask friends to fill in with other salads, sides and desserts.

This year, with little notice, my friend "Barb" reached out to me via text, saying, "This year, I will need you to prepare my food differently" -- due to her recent diagnosis of celiac disease.

She explained to me that "even a crumb of cross contamination" will result in her not feeling well. She instructed me to check all of my spices and ingredients, and to thoroughly clean all of my cooking and serving utensils before preparing food for her.

She even provided me a list of online resources I could use to learn more.

Amy, I was shocked speechless -- and my husband was livid.

I responded that I would check ingredients and try my best to accommodate. My husband said that if the disease was so dire, she would need to pack her own plate of food.

He said I should not reach out to our other guests and provide any instruction on Barb's behalf.

I was considering moving mountains for Barb when the final straw came: She asked us to thoroughly clean our grill grates, should there be any gluten left on them from when we last grilled.

Is our friend being ridiculous here, or are we being insensitive to her disease?

How far does a host couple need to go out of their way to accommodate a guest in this situation?
-- Gluten-free Hosts

Dear Hosts: You should not attempt to gauge whether "Barb's" disease is as serious as she indicates. You should simply assume that it is. I agree, however, that she is not communicating about her needs in a way designed to inspire such a Herculean effort on your part. In fact, her requirements seem quite overwhelming and are coming off as demands. She is also attempting to shift responsibility for her health from herself onto you. Don't take it on.

Instead of you communicating her needs to your other guests who are bringing food, you should suggest that she contact them. With such specific requirements, she should not trust anyone else to communicate her exact requirements.

You should assume that your best efforts might not be enough to completely decontaminate your kitchen to Barb's standards, and you should tell her so: "Hi, 'Barb,' I worry that I can't guarantee that all of the food and the kitchen area will be decontaminated the way you might need. It would definitely be safest for you to bring your own food this year. If you feel you also need to bring your own plates, silverware, etc., I assure you we won't be offended. And don't forget to bring a dish to share with the rest of the group. Looking forward!"

Comments

[conuly]

Cleaning to make the kitchen celiac free is a lot harder than I think Barb or LW really made clear. What Barb is asking for really *isn't* that far out of line (other than contacting other guests, which is), despite the oh-so-shocked reaction of the LW and the ArcaMax commenters, though I bet she phrased it a lot more forthrightly and bluntly than was appropriate. (And I'm chalking that up to new-diagnosis-syndrome.) What Barb ought to be asking for is quite a lot for such short term notice, and may be too much to ask always depending on how good a cook and how good a friend LW is.

[jalendavi_lady]

It's also an especially bad time of year to make sudden unexpected de-glutening demands. You never know who already has a list of holiday baking planned out, with dates and times arranged to fit events, and is going to have to rearrange or scrap all of it if they have to fit a full decontamination in there.

Nut and peanut allergies, you can adjust what recipes you'll use and when, but fully removing wheat flour dust if someone entertains from scratch? Particularly on short enough notice they've started doing the grocery runs?

You'd practically have to make the request well in advance of Thanksgiving, just on that count.

[conuly]

Yeah, this last-minute demand thing is not cool. Again, though, unless Barb has a history of such behavior (in which case why are you friends with her LW?) I'm blaming the recent diagnosis.

[cimorene]

Oh, interesting. This is a lot more than the other dietary concerns I've been exposed to. And that would take some careful thinking and, like, choreography involved in the prep of the food, especially since you probably shouldn't even try to do it at the same time as the other food... it seems terribly unlikely that a big festive meal could be re-jiggered to be completely safe at the last minute like this. You'd have to go back to the planning stage, and possibly further if you need to rethink preparation tools and pots and pans... Barb seems inordinately optimistic about LW's organizational skills as well as how much trouble she'll want to go to.

[conuly]

Yeah, celiac's awful. My guess is Barb is still adjusting to the new normal and thinking things can be the same with a little work.