Ask Amy:Hosts struggle turning home to gluten-free zone

[cereta]

Dear Amy: Every year my husband and I host a holiday get-together for several of our friends and neighbors. We provide the main dish, a couple of sides and drinks. We ask friends to fill in with other salads, sides and desserts.

This year, with little notice, my friend "Barb" reached out to me via text, saying, "This year, I will need you to prepare my food differently" -- due to her recent diagnosis of celiac disease.

She explained to me that "even a crumb of cross contamination" will result in her not feeling well. She instructed me to check all of my spices and ingredients, and to thoroughly clean all of my cooking and serving utensils before preparing food for her.

She even provided me a list of online resources I could use to learn more.

Amy, I was shocked speechless -- and my husband was livid.

I responded that I would check ingredients and try my best to accommodate. My husband said that if the disease was so dire, she would need to pack her own plate of food.

He said I should not reach out to our other guests and provide any instruction on Barb's behalf.

I was considering moving mountains for Barb when the final straw came: She asked us to thoroughly clean our grill grates, should there be any gluten left on them from when we last grilled.

Is our friend being ridiculous here, or are we being insensitive to her disease?

How far does a host couple need to go out of their way to accommodate a guest in this situation?
-- Gluten-free Hosts

Dear Hosts: You should not attempt to gauge whether "Barb's" disease is as serious as she indicates. You should simply assume that it is. I agree, however, that she is not communicating about her needs in a way designed to inspire such a Herculean effort on your part. In fact, her requirements seem quite overwhelming and are coming off as demands. She is also attempting to shift responsibility for her health from herself onto you. Don't take it on.

Instead of you communicating her needs to your other guests who are bringing food, you should suggest that she contact them. With such specific requirements, she should not trust anyone else to communicate her exact requirements.

You should assume that your best efforts might not be enough to completely decontaminate your kitchen to Barb's standards, and you should tell her so: "Hi, 'Barb,' I worry that I can't guarantee that all of the food and the kitchen area will be decontaminated the way you might need. It would definitely be safest for you to bring your own food this year. If you feel you also need to bring your own plates, silverware, etc., I assure you we won't be offended. And don't forget to bring a dish to share with the rest of the group. Looking forward!"

Comments

[shirou]

I have a food allergy, and I do think it's appropriate to make reasonable requests for accommodations, with the understanding that a genuine request leaves open the possibility that one might receive an answer of no. I agree with the columnist that Barb is making a demand, not a request, and is pushing the boundaries of reasonable.

For the LW, the columnist's suggested response seems pretty good. It's one thing to make a couple gluten-free dishes and wash utensils (doesn't one do that anyway?), but I'd feel apprehensive guaranteeing a complete decontamination. I'd drop the line about bringing something to share. If a guest has to supply all her own food, she can reasonably skip the contribution to the communal table.

[minoanmiss]

*takes notes*

This makes sense to me, as someone who loves providing food for others. I think a conversation could be held, in a spirit of cooperation (so, make the husband not bring his belligerent attitude), about how to compromise and if that means Barb brings her own food this time.

[rosefox]

I don't have a remove-every-particle food allergy, but a friend's spouse does, and we've talked about whether I could, for example, bake them a cake given that my stand mixer might have been used to mix something with peanuts sometime in the past ten years. (Traces of the protein can get into the mechanism in ways that are very difficult to clean out.) It's really, really challenging to cook for someone with that degree of sensitivity when your kitchen has been thoroughly contaminated.

It's also really challenging to be diagnosed with something like that and try to figure out how you live in a world where everything is dusted with a fine layer of poison. I don't blame Barb for flipping out about it, and I wish the LW were a little more sensitive to that. Barb's still thinking like she gets to do what she's always done, only with an additional layer of accommodations. It takes some time to grasp the extent to which you have to change a lot of how you live your life and get used to doing things that would otherwise be seen as really rude, like insisting on bringing your own food to the house of someone who wants to cook for you.

I think it would be kind if the hosts provided lovely fancy paper plates and sturdy disposable utensils for everyone to use so Barb doesn't feel singled out once they're all at the table.