Bizarro DTMFA

[vass]

From Dan Savage today:


I’m a smart, professional woman in my mid-30s who dates the same. I also happen to use a wheelchair; I was diagnosed shortly after my first birthday with a motor-neuron disease. I have about as much physical strength as a quadriplegic, but I have full sensation. (Boy howdy, do I!) I am careful about who I date because of my physical dependence on the people around me. I am also wary of folks who call themselves “devotees.” These are individuals with disability-related fetishes. They gravitate toward amputees, but some are attracted to women in chairs. I’m not sure what about this bothers me so much; I suppose it feels reductionist, and I’ve spent my adult life becoming more than a girl in a chair.

I’m sure you can see where this is going. I started dating a lovely, successful, witty, beautiful woman a little more than a year ago. As time progressed, it became clear that we were sexually compatible. Things have been great. At the eight-month point, I told my BFF that this might be “the one.” At the nine-month point, she confessed to being a devotee. I was crushed. But I trusted her, as I had gotten no icky feelings from her. Then she said that she wanted to try using my chair during sex—except with our roles reversed. Because I try to be GGG, I consented, as long as she agreed to couples therapy, which she did. In therapy, she said she had no idea I was in a chair before we met—which is plausible, as it was a blind date—and she just felt lucky when I showed up in a chair and then didn’t know how to tell me. So… we’ve been working it out.

Until last night. We were out with friends, she asked me to take a picture on her phone, and I found pics of me, from the neck down (clothed, thank God), and pics of my chair. I quickly sent them to myself and then, later, checked them on Google Images. My fears were confirmed: She’s been posting these photos, without my consent, to “devotee” websites. I feel sick and heartbroken. I haven’t confronted her yet.

What do I do, Dan? In every other way, this woman’s a catch, and I really care about her. At the same time, I feel like my trust has been horribly violated. Is it time to DTMFA?

Girl In Massive Pain

Yes, GIMP, it’s time to DTMFA.

And you gotta dump the motherfucker like you mean it. You can’t be a lesbian about this. No “taking a break,” no “putting things on hold,” no “scheduling an appointment” with your couples counselor. You’re dumping her. The end.

Your soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend needs to understand that, as a direct result of her unbelievably selfish actions, she was promptly and unambiguously dumped. It’s the only way this motherfucker will ever be able to wrap her head around just how thoroughly she violated you. (It doesn’t help that she lies to you—I mean, excuse me, but who sets a friend up on a blind date with someone in a wheelchair without mentioning that fact?) And now, thanks to her, pictures of you are floating around fetish websites. Your soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend destroyed your sense of sexual safety and shat all over the trust that had been placed in her by her dream girl. (That would be you, GIMP.) And for what? A cheap thrill? Bragging rights?

Dump the motherfucker already.

And then, GIMP, after your ex has had some time to wallow in regret (you were the girl of her dreams!) and self-recrimination (how could she have been so fucking stupid!), give her a call. Depending on what you hear—and hopefully you’ll hear an extended apology and that she’s in therapy—you can make up your mind about whether you wanna TTMFB: “take the motherfucker back.”

It sounds like your girlfriend has many good qualities, GIMP, and it sounds like you two clicked. Maybe your girlfriend can be salvaged. Maybe losing you will be the shock she needs to get help. If it is—if she went and got help of her own accord, not because she thought it would win you back (because that wasn’t on the table)—then bizarro DTMFA (“date the motherfucker again”) might be an option. But you two should start seeing a counselor together if you TTMFB, you should take things four times as slowly this time, and she should get a phone that doesn’t have a camera.

Comments

[vass]

This is the first time I've ever seen Dan advise a LW to dump someone with the intent of taking them back later. It's also the first time I've seen him advise someone who's non-consensually had photos of them posted on the internet in a sexual context that this is ever forgivable. It's also the first time I've seen him suggest therapy as an answer to a sexual violation.

I can't help thinking that Dan is taking it less seriously this time either because the offender is a woman, or becaus the victim is a person with a disability.

[minoanmiss]

I can't help thinking that you are absolutely right.

[recessional]

Yeah, the first half of the letter was good.....and then there was the second part.

WTF

[inkstone]

...that letter started out so well too.

[daedala]

The "you should be grateful anyone would be willing to date you" subtext is just vile.

[vass]

Eeeeeesh. I missed that, but you're totally right.

[deird1]

Yeah. And the "I mean, excuse me, but who sets a friend up on a blind date with someone in a wheelchair without mentioning that fact?" isn't really helping.

[vass]

I will give him this much: you don't set someone up on a blind date with someone who has important accessibility needs without mentioning those needs. Otherwise you end up having that date hanging around outside a cafe with "just one step." But that's probably not what he meant.

[sara]

Yeah, I read that one and thought wait, no, Dan, she doesn't take this woman back, she goes out and finds some DECENT woman to date instead. And in the meantime she maybe mentions to a couple of good friends that YES, she WAS the woman in last week's Dan Savage column, and that's why she needs a hand dumping Little Miss Creeptastic's worldly goods out on the front lawn, and that they need to whap her upside the head if she ever gets so low-self-esteemy that she even thinks about taking LMC back.

Because it's not like there's only one lesbian in America who's going to hook up with a chick in a wheelchair.

[killing_rose]

The "don't be a lesbian about it" started me screaming, and the rest of the response never got better.

Oh, Dan Savage. There's a reason my final college paper was partially a rant against you. But, hey, I've actually told you to your face that you're an asshole, and you just laughed.

[delphi]

"just how thoroughly she violated you"
"destroyed your sense of sexual safety"
"shat all over the trust that had been placed in her"
"give her a call"

One of these things is not like the other.

[deird1]

You can’t be a lesbian about this.

Um... what?

[vass]

I'm not sure if that was a rhetorical um what or not. If it was, I agree. If it wasn't, the stereotype is that lesbians move in on the second date, and then have long, drawn-out, sexless, codependent relationships and never properly break up. But on the plus side, when we do manage break up, the stereotype is that we're the best of friends for the rest of our lives.

[deird1]

If it wasn't, the stereotype is that lesbians move in on the second date, and then have long, drawn-out, sexless, codependent relationships and never properly break up.

Oh please. *facepalm* Does Dan Savage think that lesbians are an alien species or something?

[torachan]

Yes.

[vass]

To be fair, that stereotype didn't originate with Dan Savage, not that he exactly tries to combat it. It's the other half of the stereotype that gay men are shallow, promiscuous commitment-phobes who care about nothing but drinking, sex, and the gym.

[jo_lasalle]

I thought that was a very reasonable response, trying to take into account the LW being genuinely torn and laying out reasonable conditions for any hypothetical forgiveness.

I thought 'don't be a lesbian' was funny, and he explains what he means in the text.