Dear Abby: I wear my sunglasses at night

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: Would you please weigh in on whether you think wearing sunglasses indoors -- particularly in the evening -- is rude and not conducive to friendly communication with others? (This isn't a situation involving eye problems.) -- NOTHING TO HIDE IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR NOTHING TO HIDE: It is said that the eyes are the windows of the soul. I agree that trying to converse with someone who is wearing sunglasses can be confusing, because it prevents you from picking up nonverbal cues you might otherwise be given.

The person you're writing about may be shy, paranoid or hiding the bleary remnants of a hangover. But unless you ask why he or she is hiding behind the sunglasses, you will never know if there's a valid reason for it.

Comments

[cereta]

Abby's actual advice (don't judge if you don't know the reason) is good, but I wish she'd chosen better examples. As a migraine sufferer, I sometimes wear sunglasses indoors because I have a horrible headache, and the light hurts my eyes.

[redbird]

The don't judge part, yes, but it also implies that it's reasonable to say something that is likely to be heard as "are you just shy, or is there something else wrong with you?" with the implication that the asker gets to judge whether the person's reasons for the sunglasses are "good."

[daedala]

I kind of read "(This isn't a situation involving eye problems)" as ruling that out.

[minoanmiss]

Yeah, but... how are they sure they know for sure? Maybe the other person has eye problems and simply hasn't told this person, it being none of their business.

[daedala]

Point. I at first read it as "I -- I mean my friend -- does this thing," probably because of the post title.

[minoanmiss]

*nod* Whereas I just figured Abby was trying to transmit a song virus. :)

[cereta]

Actually, that was me trying to be clever.

[cereta]

The post title was me ;).

[daedala]

Oh, yeah, I realized it had to be, I'm just explaining why my brain got stuck there.

[cereta]

But why are hangovers included as possible reasons and not other types of headaches?

[daedala]

Abbie does not need our Earth logic?

[jo_lasalle]

I usually mention my reasons if I'm keeping sunglasses on during a conversation when I'm outside. (And yeah, that's usually, 'sorry, sitting in the direction of the sun, hope you don't mind'.)

That's probably a step too far, but I find talking to someone wearing (dark) sunglasses about as comfortable as talking to someone who sings to themselves while we're supposedly having a conversation or who keeps turning their back to me. And sure, I realise 'no judging' is generally a good thing, but so is giving brief context for something that can easily give off an uncomfortable vibe.

My issue with the advice would be that it's really kind of wishy-washy.

[minoanmiss]

Yeah, but the person with the sunglasses may not be certain that their explanation will remain brief context. There are, alas, people who would be so gauche as to respond to, "Sorry about the sunglasses; a migraine has made me photosensitive," with something along the lines of, "If you lost forty pounds and tried my Aunt Bertha's chamomile tea regimen you wouldn't have migraines anymore! Aunt Bertha grows the chamomile herself, picks it only at twilight, blah blah blah..." and sometimes a person just doesn't have the energy to risk it.

[Edited to remove extra wotds.]

[jo_lasalle]

Yes, sure, there's the risk of encountering a douche. There's also the risk that someone will read the sunglasses wrong because they do find it weird for a conversation and think the sunglasses-wearer is a douche.

This is to me an etiquette thing. And etiquette isn't life-or-death and doesn't trump medical issues or discomfort, but it's not just prissy nonsense either. Etiquette means different things to different people; to me 'not talking to someone at great length while hiding my eyes' is included.

[wordweaverlynn]

Oh God yes. I have severe food allergies. This makes socializing complicated, and it means I get to have the same damned conversation every single time I have to explain why I can't go to an Indian restaurant. So if someone has sensitive eyes, or is a poker player who wants to hide their tells, or prefers the shades for any reason -- I can really understand not wanting to go through the song and dance one more time.

[solo]

You called?

[jo_lasalle]

I'm sorry, I can't talk to you like this.

[annotated_em]

Meh. What business is it of anybody's whether a person chooses to wear sunglasses indoors or not? I rather dislike the implication here--that Abby feels you have the right to question someone and judge whether their reason for doing so is "valid" or not.

[vass]

If I were wearing sunglasses, and someone asked me if there was a 'valid reason' for it, I'd have to fall back on a different advice columnist, and reply "My, what a very personal question!"

[torachan]

Bleh. Both Abby and the other person assume that eye-contact is the ideal for conversation, so they can go fuck themselves.