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Dear Prudie: Oh, HELL, no
Q. Prenup Dispute: My boyfriend and I recently became engaged and are, for the most part, happy and excited to be married, except for a disagreement over prenups. My fiancé has always been adamant about never wanting to have children, and he is insisting that I sign prenuptials basically saying that, if I ever become pregnant, he can divorce me and keep everything, and pay no child support whatsoever. I am undecided about whether I would like children, and it seems possible that my fiancé could change his mind when he is older. I am worried about possible future implications of this agreement, and also think this shows a lack of trust and an unwillingness to compromise on my fiancé's part. He is being very stubborn about this, though, and says he won't get married unless I sign the agreement. I love this man and really want to spend the rest of my life with him, but an agreement this severe just makes me nervous. What should I do?
A: You want to spend the rest of your life with a man, who upon finding you were carrying his child, would propose to do his best to leave with you and your offspring with nothing. You are also hoping that your soul mate, who from your description is rigid, punitive, and controlling, will soften up with time—and even respond favorably if you feel a longing to be a mother. No one should sign the kind of legal document you describe without having your own lawyer vet it first. I would be very surprised if a contract that waives a father's potential financial responsibility to a yet-unconceived child would even be enforceable if a child is born. Unless you are as certain as your fiancé (who should probably get a vasectomy) that you wish to remain childless, you are setting yourself up for the heartbreak of remaining in a marriage that thwarts your desire for children, or having to leave it as your biological clock runs out. A prenuptial agreement that protects existing assets in case a marriage fails is one thing. Committing to someone who wants you to sign a document agreeing you and your child should be cast aside is another.
A: You want to spend the rest of your life with a man, who upon finding you were carrying his child, would propose to do his best to leave with you and your offspring with nothing. You are also hoping that your soul mate, who from your description is rigid, punitive, and controlling, will soften up with time—and even respond favorably if you feel a longing to be a mother. No one should sign the kind of legal document you describe without having your own lawyer vet it first. I would be very surprised if a contract that waives a father's potential financial responsibility to a yet-unconceived child would even be enforceable if a child is born. Unless you are as certain as your fiancé (who should probably get a vasectomy) that you wish to remain childless, you are setting yourself up for the heartbreak of remaining in a marriage that thwarts your desire for children, or having to leave it as your biological clock runs out. A prenuptial agreement that protects existing assets in case a marriage fails is one thing. Committing to someone who wants you to sign a document agreeing you and your child should be cast aside is another.
no subject
1. Prudie is right: that is not an enforceable pre-nup. A parent can't sign away a child's right to child support, because child support is the right of the child. She can choose not to seek it, although if she ever applies for aid of any kind, the state might seek it on the child's behalf. So no, dickwad, you don't get to do that.
2. That said, he has made his views really, really clear, and if you don't agree with them, you need to decide what's more important: being with him or maybe having kids. DO NOT go into the marriage hoping he'll change his mind, because no man who wants that pre-nup is going to change his mind, and even if he does, he's going to be a shitty father.
no subject
If he has the money to pay for drawing up a prenup, he has the money to pay for a vasectomy. Period. I hope he does so forthwith. The best possible construction on this is that he has serious anxiety issues, and sterilization might relieve some of them. (Personally, I'm going with the rigid, punitive, and controlling theory, but I can pretend for the sake of argument that he's not really that bad.)
If he's already had the vasectomy and is still insisting on that kind of prenup, he needs to take a vow of celibacy, too.
no subject
And he should have gotten a vasectomy years ago.
no subject
It was at this point that I stopped swearing at the fiance and started swearing at the letter-writer. You do not marry someone based on a possibility. You marry who they are now, while realising that there are no guarantees they'll stay that way.
These two people should not marry. It's not just that neither of them really actually wants to marry the person they're engaged to. It's also that the way they're interacting (expecting to change him, requiring her to sign an outright abusive pre-nup) indicates that their relationship is not healthy.
no subject