Dear Abby: Policeman Dismayed by Mom Using Him to Discipline Child

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: The media give us stories of racial conflict and the shooting of police officers almost daily, and every reporter and news anchor proposes solutions. As a Hispanic police officer in a small city, I have an observation.

I was having lunch the other day with two other officers. Sitting across from us was a young mom whose child was throwing a temper tantrum. I overheard her say, "If you don't behave, I'm going to give you to those police officers and let them beat you!"

Abby, my parents taught me the police were my friends -- people I could go to if I had a problem. We work hard to interact with the community. I wonder how many other tired and frustrated parents have made their children afraid of the police and created distrust. Like so many other "social problems," maybe a lot of this really starts with how parents teach their children. -- POLICE ARE MY FRIENDS

DEAR POLICE OFFICER: It is the parents' responsibility to discipline their children; it is not the job of the police! It is a huge mistake for parents to instill fear of authority figures in their children, because a day may come when the kid needs help from one of them.

And by the way, this doesn't happen only with law enforcement officers. I have heard of children who are terrified of doctors because their mothers threatened them by saying if they misbehaved, "the doctor would give them a shot." To say these are prime examples of poor parenting is putting it mildly.

Comments

[cereta]

You know, I would offer Vegas odds that the parent in question is white, but you're all too smart to take me up on it.

I can't tell you how angry this makes me. In a time when Black parents are having to teach their children (mostly their sons) genuine cautions about dealing with police to avoid fatal encounters, it is beyond privileged to use police as a fantasy threat to make a child behave.

[sathari]

Right, no bet. It reminds me of the assorted remarks I've seen about white people using the police as customer service, and this is a next-level example of that. Oh, and add in that non-white, esp. Black, children in public spaces are actually at risk for all sorts of negative and sometimes violent interactions with the police, and, yeah, that is whole special levels of WRONG.

Tangentially to the problem of law enforcement but not to the part of Abby's advice about doctors, the whole "if you're bad the doctor will give you a shot" is a whole additional level of mindfuck, because it's associating necessary-but-painful/unpleasant medical care with punishment--- as in, "The reason I am having this nasty medical procedure is because I did something wrong" (and contrariwise that "being good" means not having to have shots/dental work/other painful-or-unpleasant things that are just sometimes necessary to keep the ol' carcass working). (And as long as we're exploring systemic issues stemming from parents inappropriately outsourcing discipline to various service professionals, I wonder if and how the whole "health care is a punishment for misbehavior" interacts with the clusterfuck of US healthcare issues, as in people thinking that if they just "live right" they won't need a doctor, and by corollary only those people who want to "misbehave" would need health insurance or indeed get sick.) (Yes, I'm probably overthinking it.)

[tielan]

Some of it starts with how parents teach their children, dear LW, and some of it is how our society is trained to behave towards certain groups of people. But, yeah, this is such a screwed-up way of disciplining your kids.

I wonder (in addendum to what sathari said) if this isn't also the kind of mentality that sprouts 'governance and government is evil'? When the authorities that should act for your good are treated in bad faith (and sometimes governments do act in bad faith, but in the traditional mode of western democracy, we trust that our government is doing decently by a lot of people even if we are not personally landing on top of the policy pile) then there's nothing they can do that isn't negatively seen and treated the same, and the whole system spirals down in attitude and open-mindedness/heartedness to the point where nobody benefits.

[eleanorjane]

I am kind of shocked by the obliviousnness of LW, tbh.

Like, I get that their job would create entirely natural bias when hearing about police violece towards people of colour. But do they not get that there's a genuine reason for parents to teach their kids to at least be wary of police, if not outright afraid? Especially parents who are POCs or members of other routinely oppressed or minority groups?

I mean, it's entirely possible that that particular mother was white, and just being a jerk. But the tone-deafness of the whole thing just really struck me, and that last line really struck me as victim-blaming.

Ugh.

[minoanmiss]

I think you have a really good point on maladaptive conceptions of what causes people to need medical
care. (did that make senes? My household is yelling)

[minoanmiss]

You're absolutely right about the tone-deafness and victim-blaming. I could say more but I probably shouldn't.

[cereta]

I absolutely hear you on medical issues.

[torachan]

+1

Not only does he blame any police/civilian problems on civilians, but if you read his first line closely, he says that what is in the news is "the shooting of police officers", which is the opposite of the actual problem of cops killing people.

That's some twisted Blue Lives Matter shit right there.

[eleanorjane]

Whoa, I did not even catch that til you pointed it out. Yikes.

[xenacryst]

I'm kinda with this. I mean, outsourcing discipline to authority figures ain't cool, but teaching people to be at least cautious around police officers (and the police recognizing that this is, in fact, a rather significant problem) is absolutely necessary. My interactions with officers just ambling by on the street is almost always positive - I'm a white guy who usually looks friendly - but even I always have a little internal twinge and check, and, by now, a quick look around to see if there are any minorities I should be looking out for.

[torachan]

My eyes glanced over it at first, too, because I saw what I was expecting to see, which was "shooting by police" but then I read it over again... Based on the rest of the letter's sentiment, I don't think that's a typo.

[cereta]

Likewise. And someone actually used the "Blue Lives Matter" in one of the comment threads. I just wanted to scream.

[sathari]

It made perfect sense, and thank you!

[sathari]

Yeah, good point. I mean, he does have a valid point about people not treating police (and as Abby added medical professionals) as discipline for their children. But you're right about the rest of the letter, and the attitude.

[sathari]

...whoa, I did not catch that until you pointed it out. Dude. (And, I'm sorry, but "Blue Lives Matter" as an answer to Black Lives Matter is just so... backwards. Like, false equivalence between a job you willingly chose--- and should have chosen at least partly because "risk my life to help my community" seems like a good thing, as opposed to "want the power of a gun and a badge"--- and a set of physical traits you're born with? Nope.)

[jadelennox]

Whoa. I missed that, too.