Dear Abby: Wife of conspiracy theorist focuses on kindness

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: When I was dating my husband, I gave him a lot of leeway. When he told me he listened to a radio show that is known for unscientific views, I ignored it because I found him so charming and kind. Honestly, he treats me better than anyone I've ever known, and I had been in the dating scene for 27 years. During our three-year courtship I always avoided the topics of science and politics.

We have been married two years now, and I'm trying hard to reconcile the fact that I'm married to a conspiracy theorist who believes the world is flat. He's convinced that fluoride is mass brainwashing and the Holocaust was faked. It makes me so sad. I knew on some level that he believed these things, but I chose to overlook it.

Other than his irrational beliefs, we are compatible and happy. My question is, can a relationship survive and thrive in the midst of these fundamental differences? -- KNOWS BETTER IN KANSAS

DEAR KNOWS BETTER: You say you are compatible and happy in every other respect. Yes, your marriage can survive -- if you practice the same selective amnesia you chose to adopt when your husband was courting you, and focus solely on the areas in which you are in sync.

Comments

[cereta]

Okay, look: Flat Earthers are...something, but Holocaust denial is something else. That is a thing you need to look at very, very hard.

Otherwise, this amounts to, "Dear Abby, I married someone knowing there was this Issue. How do I deal with this Issue now that we're married?"

[sathari]

Yeah, what you said. Like, I could deal with some kinds of out-there beliefs, but when it gets into that level of racial sludge, I'd be out of there. (Like, flat Earth, fake lunar landing, something something something, sure, we can just not talk about those. Denying a racially motivated mass atrocity, which is a Thing that has implications for current politics and policy... yeah, no.)

[jadelennox]

I don't even know if I draw the line there. I was thinking about this a lot this week, in that "mentally composing a Captain Awkward letter" way, having not seen this letter. My mentor's mentor used to be a kind of harmless "there are Nazis under Antarctica", "NASA knows about the aliens" kind of conspiracy theorists, but in the age of the internet he's turned into full-on "Hillary killed JFK Jr." and so much islamophobia. I'm not sure if the reality of the current media and information landscape doesn't make it inevitable that once you fall down the rabbit hole you are going to end up somewhere loathsome.

Anyway, even without Holocaust denial, you can't raise kids (if you want them) with someone who believes fluoride is a government conspiracy. It's not safe; who knows when someone on Coast to Coast AM is going to convince him to trade in his savings for gold, and demand you move in to a bunker? Not to mention your kids will have shitty teeth. And you don't want him to do this crap to your kids brains.

But other than those two caveats, I agree with everything else here. I might draw the line at "flat earther", personally, but I actively judge people who don't draw the line at Holocaust denial. On behalf of my grandparents' dead cousins, denialists and any who appease them can fuck themselves right off this planet.

Dear Knows Better: You know better. End it.

[sathari]

Yeah, good point about the potential for horrifying loathsome rabbit holes these days.

Re: your second paragraph in particular, you are dead right about the bar (not only for this but for a lot of other things) is a LOT higher for someone whose role in your life is "potential co-parent" as opposed to "adult fellow-traveler of life with fun sexytiems" (and as someone who's never wanted children my personal standard has always been the latter). Given LW's self-description of "been in the dating scene for almost 27 years" I was inclined to assume that they're past child-having age, which may not be a fair assumption. (And the "sell their savings for gold and move to a bunker"... is inspiring me to go off on tangents about my extreme aversion to pooling of finances in marriage and similar issues, which may or may not have anything to do with the topic at hand.)

...denialists and any who appease them can fuck themselves right off this planet.

Cosigned, and this is even without having relatives (that I know of) directly harmed by it.

[tielan]

Except that there's a difference between "my husband leaves the toilet seat up and it annoys me" and "my husband is an anti-intellectual and I overlooked that because I was so desperate to be married to someone".

(Sorry, I just...I should be sympathetic; but something about the way she describes her situation - his beliefs, her rationale for their relationship - tweaks my nose.)

[cereta]

Oh, I'm right there with you. My sympathy meter is pretty low overall, from the "I knew this when I married him, so how do I live with it now?" to, "I married someone who believes horrible things."

[minoanmiss]

... good luck, lady.

I dunno. I honestly don't know. I've never been an "agree to disagree on GIANT MAJOR ISSUES" sort of person. I once ended up not dating an otherwise lovely woman because she was a Creationist and as both a Biology major and an ex-fundamentalist I could not deal and she not surprisingly could not deal with my not dealing. I still don't know if that was wise or too judgmental of me. I don't know what I would advise LW now. I want to scream "YOUR HUSBAND BELIEVES EVIL THINGS RUN AWAY" but I can't claim that's an unbiased or emotion-free reaction on my part.

Ugh. Good luck, lady.

[cereta]

I don't think this is the kind of thing where "unbiased or emotion-free" is called for. If anything, I think claiming to be those things ("well, I just won't focus on those things") got her into this fix. People who claim to be unbiased about things like rape accusations or Holocaust denial are biased, and all the moreso for not examining their biases.

[minoanmiss]

Well said. :)

[jadelennox]

I know there's nothing inherently incompatible between "creationist" and "queer" and yet I O_O so hard every time I see something like this.

(My friend CW says of such things "beliefs about how the world does and should work are pretty fundamental to identity, and refusing to be in a relationship with someone with incompatible beliefs makes perfect sense!")

[minoanmiss]

This sincerely makes me feel better. thank you.

[tielan]

I've typed out several responses and struggled not to descend into snarkiness. I failed every time.

All I got is *facepalm*.

[xenacryst]

That's about the size of it, yep.

[moem]

... I don't know if she can pull this off but I know that I couldn't, ever. Chose to overlook it, indeed! That's quite a pickle she got herself into...

[ayebydan]

I mean.....sorry Holocaust denier. I only see racist. Or painfully and willfully ignorant person who surely cannot conduct general life in a way I'd also do so. So no. Divorce.