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Dear Prudence: Sometimes I Worry That My Infertile Friend Wants to Kidnap My Baby.
Q. Other people’s children: My good friend “Elaine” can’t have children of her own. To compensate, she dotes on her friends’ children, especially my daughter “Alexandra.” Our other friends think Elaine is amazing—she’ll happily babysit, brings back gifts when she travels for work, invites us to go to children’s plays with her—but her actions have always seemed desperate to me. Recently, Elaine greeted us at a party and asked if she could hold Alexandra. I joked, “I don’t know. I’m worried you’ll run off with her.” Elaine was embarrassed, at least, and left the party with her husband shortly afterward.
Now I’m not sure what to do. Sometimes, it seems like I made a casual comment that Elaine took too seriously. Other times, I think the comment spoke to an underlying fear I have that Elaine’s interest in other people’s children is dangerous. The one thing I can’t force myself to do is feel that badly. I am worried, however, that Elaine will tell our friends what I said. None of them think she’s weird, and when I’ve tried to talk about it with them, they’ve hinted that I’m being unkind. What do I say the next time I see Elaine?
A: Apologize to her. The behavior you’ve described here—happily babysitting, bringing gifts for her friends’ children, asking to hold babies—is perfectly socially appropriate, and your “underlying fear”—that Elaine’s affection for children is inherently dangerous because you think it means she’s trying to kidnap them—is absolutely unjustified and unwarranted. Your discomfort with her sadness is clear and palpable in this letter, and I don’t think your comment was “casual” at all, or that Elaine took it too seriously. You clearly resent her for wanting something she doesn’t have, for reminding you that life is sometimes chaotic and desires often go unfulfilled.
Your friends have hinted that you are being unkind because you have been unkind. If you don’t want to spend time with Elaine because the simple fact of her desire makes you feel guilty about your own life, that’s not on Elaine, and it’s incumbent on you to take responsibility for your feelings and actions. You threw the most painful reality of Elaine’s life—that she wants children, doesn’t have any, and dotes on her friends’ children to fill that void—into her face, in front of all of your friends and your daughter at a party. You humiliated her because she asked to hold your baby. You owe her a sincere apology. Whether or not she accepts it is outside of your control, but you owe it to her nevertheless.
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I can't imagine someone saying that to me before I was lucky enough to have my daughter. My best friend was not so lucky, and I treasure her involvement in my daughter's life, and I am so glad that I am able to give her that.
LW really needs to rethink her outlook on her fellow humans.
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For a long time, I was very happily childless and loved having friends' children visit me. (I could give them back! It was great!) But I was always a little worried that my fondness for other people's kids would seem inappropriate in some way. Childless people who enjoy the company of children are frequently suspected of being dangerous to those children. So this isn't just about making Elaine feel bad about not being able to have kids—it's also playing on any anxieties she might have about being seen as sketchy or dangerous because of it. I wouldn't be surprised if she felt she had to back off from spending time with all the children she loves so much, in case anyone else is thinking about her this way. Poor Elaine.
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Also, damn, I want to write Elaine a supportive note. I would be utterly crushed if anyone said that to me.
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I'm uneasy around kids and don't know how to talk to them. I avoid my friends' kids as much as I can because I'm so afraid I'll unwittingly do or say something hurtful, but then I worry that the avoidance itself is hurtful.
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I am worried, however, that Elaine will tell our friends what I said. None of them think she’s weird, and when I’ve tried to talk about it with them, they’ve hinted that I’m being unkind.
I sincerely hope that Elaine does tell their friends about this, and the friends tell LW just how out of line she was. Is she uncomfortable? So is Elaine about being childless and then having her thwarted maternal instincts cast in her face!