Dear Abby: Man not first to propose to girl

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: I met the love of my life eight months ago. Everything about our relationship is perfect. We both love our families, fine food, games and, most importantly, each other. We met at an antique store and now have an extensive stamp collection together.

Wanting this joy to last forever, I proposed to her. I couldn't imagine a happier life for both of us, until I discovered that she is already engaged. Her mother informed me that she had accepted a proposal from a close friend of ours months ago.

At first I was devastated, but now I understand the situation. She felt obligated to accept his proposal, yet I know she will only find true happiness by marrying me. How do I go about bringing this up to her? I'm very non-confrontational, and don't want her to feel awkward or uncomfortable. Should I tell her what I know or wait for her to come to me? Please help. -- IN LOVE BUT CONFUSED

DEAR IN LOVE: Something is definitely wrong with this picture. Sometimes confrontation is healthy. Don't waste another moment waiting for the girl to level with you. Tell her what her mother told you and ask if it is true. If it is, she needs to explain. Although you may be ready to settle down and get married, she may not be emotionally mature enough to marry either one of you.

Comments

[cereta]

Is it me, or does it sound like this " relationship " is all in the LW's head? My alarm bells are going waaaaay off.

[torachan]

Yeah, when the answer started with "something is wrong with this picture" I thought they were going to say how weird this situation sounded, but then it's all just taking him at face value. idek.

He proposed, but makes no mention of her accepting the proposal. The way he talks about hearing of this other proposal from the woman's mother is weird. The way he makes up a story about why she did this is weird. Either this woman is trying to remain friends with him to avoid even further awkwardness or she doesn't even know he thinks they're more than friends in the first place.

[minoanmiss]

I concur.

[sathari]

This is so many levels of bizarre that I can't even, and while the substance of Abby's response--- "yes, talk to her"--- is right, the overall gist of it does not fit the facts as described, especially that's awful snark at the end. I don't think it's the woman in this case who's emotionally immature.

[jadelennox]

yeah, I feel like one of the weaknesses that some advice columnists have is taking everything that the LW says at face value. Reading between the lines here it does not sound like the woman is necessarily the person at issue.

[cereta]

Yeah, it's...I mean, on the one hand, I can see that second-guessing the LW could lead to questionable practices, but Abby seems more strictly literal than a lot of other columnists. I think Hax or Prudie would have gotten the red flags in this. I mean, as one commenter on Arcamax pointed out, pretty much every woman, and not a few men, had the hairs on the back of their neck standing up reading it. How it sailed right past Abby...

[eleanorjane]

whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat

[eleanorjane]

Just, I cannot. I have no clue.

My "this is all in LW's head" radar was pinging too - but is anybody THAT clueless?! I mean, I get entitlement and obliviousness. But - okay, a shared stamp collection together?

I do actually think the woman ("girl"... ugh) in this case needs to say to the LW "you seem to think we are in a committed relationship... WE ARE NOT". I don't want to victim-blame here, but I do think she has failed to communicate adequately.

(Alternatively, it's entirely possible that the woman said "no thankyou, I'm just not into you" and LW is just choosing to ignore that. I still struggle with the idea that anybody can be THAT clueless, though.)


--

ALTHOUGH, you know what. In checking that I was using appropriate pronouns for LW, I just realised, PLOT TWIST: what if LW is a woman. The "Love of LW's Life" is not out to her family. Close Friend is a beard to get Love Of Life's family off her back. LW was not in the loop about this, and Love Of Life has not realised LW was told about Close Friend/Faux Fiance.

...it makes more sense than any other interpretation of this letter.

(Okay, so I'm still getting alarm bells from the careful avoidance of any mention of Love Of LW's Life accepting the proposal. Ugh.)

[xenacryst]

It does say man not first to propose, so maybe Abby has some reason to believe that LW is a man. But still, your story sounds at least as plausible as ... wait, no. A man being utterly, irredeemably clueless and up in his own head about a relationship, sorry, that's still the winning explanation. Your story at least makes for the start of something that might be interesting reading, though.

Also, stamp collections. That's serious bizness, yo. It's almost as serious as if it were, I dunno, virtual stamp collections in a Second Life antique store.

[cereta]

I dunno: in a world of "incels" and red pills and "friendzoning" and men committing {trigger warning} because all the women they never approached rejected them, I can believe a man would be just that clueless.

[rosefox]

*headtilt*

I find it fascinating that he doesn't mention how she responded to him proposing. Did she say yes? Did she say she'd think about it? Did she run away?

Is her mother lying because her mother doesn't like this nerdy, non-confrontational guy? "I found out from my fiancée's mother that my fiancée can't marry me after all" sounds far more like maternal meddling than any shenanigans on the fiancée's part.

It's possible that he's completely imagining everything about this "relationship" except the stamp collection. (That's not a small commitment, by the way—collectible stamps can be worth quite a lot.) But it's also possible that any number of other things are going on. Direct communication is the way to find out. (Without any digs about "maturity", honestly, Abby.)