Ask Amy: Prospective Son-in-Law never served

[cereta]

Dear Amy: My family has a long history of military service. Both my sons and my husband served in the Marines. One of our sons left and never came home. He made the ultimate sacrifice.

My daughter is seriously dating a physician.

Although her boyfriend is nice and respectful to us and appears to make her happy, whenever we look at him all we can see is his lack of military service. We also cannot help but think of our son.

Why should this young man get to go to school until his late 20s, get a job right away and live a totally comfortable and entitled life while other young men leave their families and never come home?

My daughter thinks he is wonderful and says we are being unfair toward anybody who is not in the military. We think her boyfriend is essentially throwing our family's sacrifice in our face by living in the lap of luxury.

My daughter wants us to meet his family, and we are unsure what we should do.

We cannot imagine having this man as our son-in-law and do not like the message he would send to future grandchildren, but we do not want to stop communicating with our daughter either.

Any suggestions?

— Military Mom

Dear Mom: Given your family's laudable culture of military service and the tragic loss you have experienced, it gives me no pleasure to tell you how very narrow-minded and even mean-spirited your views are.

You say that every member of your family has to be in the military, but is your daughter? And if not, I hope you don't judge her as harshly as you judge prospective (and future) family members.

Surely everyone in this country should have the right and the freedom to pursue whatever career path he or she chooses.

Every time I go to the hospital, I'm grateful that someone had the brains and talent to go to medical school. But that's immaterial.

If you have a serious problem with this man's character, you should share your concerns with him.

You should also pursue a veterans grief-support group to help you cope with your painful loss.

Comments

[cereta]

I'm trying very hard to cut the family some slack because of their grief, which I can only imagine (and as a military family member, can only imagine too well), but even with that factored in, I can only react with one question: what year are these people living in? Seriously. Forget the idea of military service as common, let alone required for good character, there are some implied gender roles in here that really skeeve me.

[recessional]

Everything about that letter skeeves the crap out of me. And would skeeve the crap out of my WWII vet grandfather if he were still alive today (a fact which I know because sadly, this woman is not actually alone in her . . . special . . . viewpoint).

[cereta]

The following comment was posted on the Chicago Tribune site. I make no comment on its veracity:

I am the military mother in the first letter. I like Ask Amy and find the comments here interesting.

I would like you all to know that this letter is not fake. My husband and I believe in serving God, our country, and others. We feel that society is changing from caring about other people to wanting to get ahead at any cost. Looking back to generations like WWII vetrans and comparing them to our young people today is disappointing.

My daughters boyfriend could have easily done ROTC to pay for his college instead of letting his parents foot the bill. He could have easily offered to serve his country as a medic. He even could have entered an honorable part of the medical profession, but he is employed as a plastic surgeon.

My daughter's boyfriend buys foreign cars, does not serve his community, does not subsribe to any particular religion, and looks at people as what he can take -- not what he can give.

I am sorry if this is such an offensive viewpoint to have.

[rymenhild]

All I can say is, I wouldn't want to date in that family.

(Hi. I'm Rym. I came across this community in random browsing recently, and I enjoy a good skewering of advice columns now and again.)

[vass]

I wonder if her daughter's boyfriend ever treats people who've been disfigured through their military service. Probably not, I guess, but I'll bet the possibility never occurred to her.

[recessional]

Why should this young man get to go to school until his late 20s, get a job right away and live a totally comfortable and entitled life while other young men leave their families and never come home?

. . . oh my yes. How dare people be happy and do what they love and succeed at it! How dare they be good partners to one of your children and make her happy!

Everyone knows medical school is a total joyride anyway!

[madripoor_rose]

That's....(my family wasn't 'career military' but all the male members of my immediate family served in WWII and Korea and my dad went on to building missile engines for a living)...that's just a whole new level of narrow minded conservativeness than we usually see. I'm guessing grief certainly plays a part of it, but there's an undercurrent of 'Not Exactly Like Us Equals Unclean' that I'm picking up there.

[inkstone]

I agree that grief is most likely playing a major role here but yikes, does that letter make me cringe.

[goshawk]

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Speaking AS a currently serving member of the military (if not the US military), isn't the entire POINT of what we do ensuring that those not inclined to serve can pursue fulfilling and worthwhile lives, free of any fear of violence? Oh wait, yes, I do believe it is. And I also DON'T seem to recall us being some sort of "special, separate species" that shouldn't interbreed with the plebes, or something. *headdesk* I've run across this sort of bigotry once or twice here in Canada, and it sounds just as stupid in Canuck, I promise.

[deird1]

Wow. That's just alarmingly self-centred of them.

[torachan]

I don't care if she is speaking from grief. That woman and her family are creepy assholes.

[amadi]

The two letters together make me envision this woman as nothing more than a Sarah Palin fangirling, 10mpg SUV driving, American flag t-shirt waving churchian putz. My visceral response to this woman was nearly violent.

Creepy, horrible, I'm so glad Amy put her in her place.