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Help! My Boyfriend Implied That I Shouldn’t Have Children Because I’ve Struggled with Addiction
From Dear Prudence
Q. Irredeemably addicted: I recently read an article about opiate addiction and a commenter said no addict should ever have children. I told my long-term boyfriend, and he said he could see where the commenter was coming from.
I’m in recovery myself and was really hurt by this. He didn’t understand why I was upset and said he was alarmed I wouldn’t think of that as a viable perspective, therefore implying that I am blind to my lifelong risk of relapse and irresponsibly inconsiderate of my potential impact on my potential children. He said he thinks “all the time” about how my addiction would impact our future family. When I said not everyone would think of me that way, he said that’s because “they haven’t had to check if you’re breathing.”
I’m worried about what he thinks of me, and I have so much shame and regret about my past. I’m now doubting if I should ever have children, even though I’ve always wanted to. I feel like he is saying I’m not fully human anymore, that I don’t have the same rights as everyone else. Am I making a big deal out of nothing?
A: No, you’re not. Disagreeing over whether to have children is a huge issue for any couple.
Add to that the fact that your boyfriend apparently considers you incapable of ever being a parent by virtue of the fact that you’re a sober addict, and you’re at a serious impasse. Not to mention the fact that he’s clearly felt this way for a while, but never mentioned it until you shared that you’d be hurt by an anonymous comment on an article about addiction. It’s one thing for him to still experience pain or resentment over the toll your behavior had on him while you were an active addict. But the proper response to that would be to see a therapist together, or find a support group for the partners of addicts, or to share some of these feelings with you directly (or all three!), not privately decide you’re not fit to ever have children.
The reason you feel dehumanized by your boyfriend’s comments is because they were dehumanizing. You don’t make choices on the assumption you’re going to relapse and spend the rest of your life in active addiction. You have not forfeited the right to decide for yourself whether you want to have children. You are not an inherently bad parent just because you’ve gotten sober. This is a real crisis point for your relationship, and you shouldn’t shy away from it. It’s better to find out now if your boyfriend is capable of staying in a relationship with you and finding ways to deal with the pain of the past that don’t involve constantly holding the future hostage.
Q. Re: Irredeemably addicted: Whoa, there! The boyfriend just said he could see where that belief comes from. He didn’t say he holds it himself, and indeed, he admitted he thinks about how addiction might impact “their future children.” I think you’re jumping to conclusions badly.
A: I disagree! The boyfriend said “he was alarmed I wouldn’t think of that as a viable perspective,” and I don’t think these are two reasonable positions with a meaningful compromise. To claim former addicts, as a category of people, have forfeited the right to have children, is an immoral position; to entertain it as a viable perspective (especially in relation to his partner) is cruel.
Q. Irredeemably addicted: I recently read an article about opiate addiction and a commenter said no addict should ever have children. I told my long-term boyfriend, and he said he could see where the commenter was coming from.
I’m in recovery myself and was really hurt by this. He didn’t understand why I was upset and said he was alarmed I wouldn’t think of that as a viable perspective, therefore implying that I am blind to my lifelong risk of relapse and irresponsibly inconsiderate of my potential impact on my potential children. He said he thinks “all the time” about how my addiction would impact our future family. When I said not everyone would think of me that way, he said that’s because “they haven’t had to check if you’re breathing.”
I’m worried about what he thinks of me, and I have so much shame and regret about my past. I’m now doubting if I should ever have children, even though I’ve always wanted to. I feel like he is saying I’m not fully human anymore, that I don’t have the same rights as everyone else. Am I making a big deal out of nothing?
A: No, you’re not. Disagreeing over whether to have children is a huge issue for any couple.
Add to that the fact that your boyfriend apparently considers you incapable of ever being a parent by virtue of the fact that you’re a sober addict, and you’re at a serious impasse. Not to mention the fact that he’s clearly felt this way for a while, but never mentioned it until you shared that you’d be hurt by an anonymous comment on an article about addiction. It’s one thing for him to still experience pain or resentment over the toll your behavior had on him while you were an active addict. But the proper response to that would be to see a therapist together, or find a support group for the partners of addicts, or to share some of these feelings with you directly (or all three!), not privately decide you’re not fit to ever have children.
The reason you feel dehumanized by your boyfriend’s comments is because they were dehumanizing. You don’t make choices on the assumption you’re going to relapse and spend the rest of your life in active addiction. You have not forfeited the right to decide for yourself whether you want to have children. You are not an inherently bad parent just because you’ve gotten sober. This is a real crisis point for your relationship, and you shouldn’t shy away from it. It’s better to find out now if your boyfriend is capable of staying in a relationship with you and finding ways to deal with the pain of the past that don’t involve constantly holding the future hostage.
Q. Re: Irredeemably addicted: Whoa, there! The boyfriend just said he could see where that belief comes from. He didn’t say he holds it himself, and indeed, he admitted he thinks about how addiction might impact “their future children.” I think you’re jumping to conclusions badly.
A: I disagree! The boyfriend said “he was alarmed I wouldn’t think of that as a viable perspective,” and I don’t think these are two reasonable positions with a meaningful compromise. To claim former addicts, as a category of people, have forfeited the right to have children, is an immoral position; to entertain it as a viable perspective (especially in relation to his partner) is cruel.
no subject
One pattern I've seen in my own life ("you're depressed, do you think you could deal with a baby?") and so many of my friends' lives, is how any issue, no matter how large or small, can be seen as Absolute Disqualification For Being a Parent. Do anything from drink a latte during pregnancy to being in debt and You'll Ruin The Child's Life. Now, addiction is a pretty big issue. But as I said in my other comment I think we should give people who are honestly and long term working on their issues a chance, and in general should not demand perfection of people before they become parents, because no one is perfect.
I certainly know that parents can mess their children up badly in many ways -- my parents actually left a lot of scars on me, both physical and emotional. And they did so while looking like a perfect couple to raise a child, married, employed, stable, community pillars. I think a conscientious person who knows what their issues are and has made restitution for major mistakes in their life has the distinct possibility to be a compassionate parent who maybe won't respond to every peccadillo with "OMG KID YOU RUINED YOUR LIFE." I don't think being a recovering addict of long standing is an automatic disqualified for having a child.
In this particular case, yeah, I'd advise LW that she and her boyfriend could use counseling, not least so he can vent and clean out his resentment and she has a structured place to make it clear to him that she is sorry and she is working on changing, but also because I don't think it's helpful for either of them for him to hold it over her for the rest of their lives.
no subject
And then my Dad died 45, when I was ll. Good-bye, picture post-card. My mom was still a good mother overall, but there are habits and reactions that I'm still trying to undo.
So, yeah, counseling is an absolute must with this couple, for all the reasons you state. But as I said somewhere else, it's very dangerous to think not being the perfect parent will produce irretrievably damaged children, because (a) that's not true, and (b) it leads to a whole world of blame when a child does have trouble.