minoanmiss: Naked young fisherman with his catch (Minoan Fisherman)
minoanmiss ([personal profile] minoanmiss) wrote in [community profile] agonyaunt 2018-05-22 01:47 am (UTC)

Ah, the myth of the perfect parent, especially the perfect mother.

One pattern I've seen in my own life ("you're depressed, do you think you could deal with a baby?") and so many of my friends' lives, is how any issue, no matter how large or small, can be seen as Absolute Disqualification For Being a Parent. Do anything from drink a latte during pregnancy to being in debt and You'll Ruin The Child's Life. Now, addiction is a pretty big issue. But as I said in my other comment I think we should give people who are honestly and long term working on their issues a chance, and in general should not demand perfection of people before they become parents, because no one is perfect.

I certainly know that parents can mess their children up badly in many ways -- my parents actually left a lot of scars on me, both physical and emotional. And they did so while looking like a perfect couple to raise a child, married, employed, stable, community pillars. I think a conscientious person who knows what their issues are and has made restitution for major mistakes in their life has the distinct possibility to be a compassionate parent who maybe won't respond to every peccadillo with "OMG KID YOU RUINED YOUR LIFE." I don't think being a recovering addict of long standing is an automatic disqualified for having a child.

In this particular case, yeah, I'd advise LW that she and her boyfriend could use counseling, not least so he can vent and clean out his resentment and she has a structured place to make it clear to him that she is sorry and she is working on changing, but also because I don't think it's helpful for either of them for him to hold it over her for the rest of their lives.

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