My Friends’ Kid Spilled Juice on My Expensive Laptop. Do They Owe Me a New One?

[shirou]

From Dear Prudence

Q. Broken computer politics: A few weeks ago, my husband and I were visiting with several friends for a vacation. One morning, our friend’s son used my husband’s computer to watch a video—no problem, since he’s a little older and more responsible using electronics. However, he mistakenly forgot to put the laptop away once he was finished and left it open in a place easily accessible to the younger children. Within a few minutes, our other friend’s daughter had spilled juice all over the keyboard, thus destroying a quite expensive laptop. We had to go out and buy a replacement. While we have a rainy-day fund to cover the cost, it means we have to cut out our summer family vacation this year.

Because of the high cost, my husband feels that his friends should offer to chip in, namely the parents of the boy who used the computer and the parents of the girl who spilled juice on the laptop. I’m in slight agreement, although I think only the juice-spiller’s parents should chip in. So far, no one has offered any help. We’re both a bit dismayed, since if it were our children who were in some way responsible for such an incident, we would most definitely offer to help pay for a replacement. While my husband would like to ask for help, I feel it’s a bit tacky.


What’s the proper etiquette for such a situation? Are we wrong to expect offers of help? Is it a social faux pas to ask for compensation?

A: I’m willing to let others chime in here! I think an important question is whether your husband agreed to let the older boy use his laptop unsupervised and didn’t himself make sure it was safely put away afterward or the boy borrowed the laptop without asking and left it out. If it’s the former, I think the fault primarily rests with your husband (although it would have been appropriate for the other parents to at least offer to defray the cost). If it’s the latter, I think you have more latitude to ask the other parents to chip in. But either way, asking is not inherently tacky: “If you’re able, we’d really appreciate some help replacing the laptop [your wonderful child] spilled juice on.” If they decline, that’s disappointing, but you haven’t lost anything else; if they say yes, so much the better.

Q. Re: Broken computer politics: Since only one child ruined the computer, I think only that child’s parents should be asked to pay for a new one. The boy should have been more careful and I think this merits a talking to by his parents, but were there not any other children around when he left it out, nothing would have happened.

A: That’s a fair distinction. Someone else mentioned that if the friends have a homeowners or renters’ insurance policy, the laptop could be covered under their property damage liability; they may be able to submit a claim for a replacement.

Comments

[shirou]

Maybe it's because I'm a parent, but I don't feel at all sympathetic for the LW.

Very young children drop and spill things all the time. It's the responsibility of adults to make sure their valuables stay out of harm's way. I make an exception for short visits e.g. to other peoples' houses, where parents should be extra vigilant to make sure their children don't damage anything, but in the child's own space, it's the adults' job to child-proof.

As for the older child, there are a couple things that matter here. First, was it made clear to the child that he was expected to put the laptop away? Second, was it made clear to his parents? I would be pretty upset if my child were made (financially) responsible for an expensive piece of equipment without my knowledge and consent.

Ultimately, it was the job of the LW's husband to put away his laptop, and he has no one to blame but himself.

[rosefox]

Totally agreed. As I type this, my toddler is watching Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood on my partner's laptop. We have the machine several feet out of toddler reach. If I were in a house with small kids who weren't directly under my supervision, I would be very, very protective of my laptop; I might let a responsible kid borrow it, but I would stay nearby to keep an eye out. (A "little older" child—I'm guessing six or seven?—shouldn't be put in the position of feeling responsible for an expensive laptop.)

That said, the parents of the juice-spilling child, or whichever adult was minding that child at the time of the spill, should absolutely be offering to make good. As a parent, I understand that I'm responsible for paying for anything my child destroys. It's no different if it's a friend's laptop or something in a store.

[shirou]

I don't think the parents of the juice spiller owe anything because I don't think the situation here is analogous to the child breaking something in a store.

When I bring my children to a store, I keep a close eye on them. I don't let them run or roughhouse, and depending on the store, I might not even let them have food or drink. I'm bringing them into somebody else's space, and it's my job to make sure they don't do any damage there.

At home, including a vacation home, the situation is different. The kids will run and tumble, they'll eat and drink, and they certainly will play without the same level of constant supervision. I'm not going to let them destroy the house, of course, but home is a designated kid zone, and some slips and spills are expected. Anyone who enters that space should do so knowing the risks to their valuables and assuming the responsibility for protecting them. I think it's unreasonable to expect parents to be financially responsible for somebody else's carelessness with their valuables in that environment.

[rosefox]

I think the appropriate degree of supervision depends on the ages and abilities of the kids, and we don't know that in this case. But I'd treat a shared vacation home as a place where an extra degree of care was due.

Some of this is also cultural, I suspect. In the culture in which I was brought up, the parent would be expected to offer to buy a new laptop, the laptop owner would be expected to decline, and there would be a couple of rounds of back and forth before they settled on splitting it 50/50. Other cultures do things differently. And there's also the issue of actual and perceived wealth—maybe the parents think "Oh, well, rich LW can easily afford another laptop" because they see having $2000 in savings as wealth, whereas LW feels like $2000 is a major hit to the budget. And the parents might not be able to afford to offer to chip in. Lots of variables that we're missing.

Personally, I would have a hard time looking my friend in the eye and saying "Gosh, my kid spilled juice on your laptop, what a bummer" and not taking at least some degree of responsibility for it—at least if I wanted us to remain friends.

[ayebydan]

I disagree. You can't child-proof a house as much as adds and the commercial world would like us to think in selling us things.

Yes try to keep things out of a kid's way but it is also the responsibility of parents or adults in care to watch children and/or remove things they could damage out of their reach/block their way/teach them not to go there from the get go.

[delight]

Oh my goodness, this is what made my dad angrier at me than anything else he's ever been angry at me for.

I took my laptop to a dorm party to provide the music. Mind you I lived in a dorm 12 years ago, so phones and Bluetooth speakers were not an option.

Someone spilled a slushie on it.

I told my dad that I didn't know why my computer wasn't working ... because I was afraid of him forcing me to move home (also, I thought I'd gotten all of it out!!!). Of course, the Apple Store people told him it was massively water damaged, and he flipped out. I still feel guilty remembering that day and that anger, and he long since forgot it before his death.

ETA: I forgot the point, which was that my suitemates and I never figured out who the guilty party was, but I would have invoiced them if I had.

[shirou]

I agree that college students--sober or drunk--should bear more responsibility than toddlers, even if they sometimes act with comparable levels of maturity. =)

[mommy]

Parents are responsible for their kids. As LW is not the parent of the child who spilled the juice, LW is not responsible for replacing the laptop which was destroyed by the juice. That's the parents' responsibility, just like with any other item that might be damaged or destroyed by their child.

[lilysea]

I think the parents of the juice-spilling child should be paying for the laptop, unless doing so would cause them serious financial hardship (eg not able to pay their rent/mortgage.)

[minoanmiss]

In theory I think the parents of the juice-spilling child should offer to help pay for the laptop. Practically, though --- if they didn't offer they might have reason (when I destroyed my own laptop similarly I needed to ask for help replacing it, as I didn't have the money, to say the least) and I think asking might be more likely to lose the friendship than gain the money.

[shirou]

I'm interested and surprised that everybody but me thinks the parents of the juice spiller should pay for the laptop, at least partially or if practical. To me, leaving a laptop where a young child is reasonably likely to spill on it is like jumping into a pool with your phone in your pocket. I'm sorry it was my child/pool, but I can't be responsible for making sure everyone else takes care of their things.

[cimorene]

No, I completely agree with you.

Of course we are all aware that there is a cultural expectation to apologize and attempt to make up for things done by one's children, but as one of the commenters at Slate said, a child under the age of ten spilling something accidentally is practically an act of nature.

There ARE places in society where you can absolutely not let your small child out of your sight, with or without a drink, or where you can't let your child have a drink at all, or whatever. And some of those places are people's houses, but a vacation home where multiple children are together playing is almost never going to be one. And in this case, I think it's clear from context that it wasn't that kind of environment. If you're invited to someone's house and the hosts don't have any objection to your child being unattended by you, or to your child having a beverage in their hand, then that says that the hosts are prepared for something to maybe be spilled. If it was a tablecloth or a rug that it got on, then the parent would help clean it up: that's a reasonable level of consequences in the situation. But the parents of this child have no reason to expect there to be anything hugely expensive around. They would only have had the responsibility if they had had a reasonable expectation that their child could cause expensive damage, and that just doesn't exist in this situation.

Now, if the situation was one where every other parent was supervising their children carefully, like say, a mostly-adults party at a nice house, or in a store, and these parents had left their child unsupervised to destroy things, certainly they would be at fault.

It was the older child's responsibility to put the computer back after using it, but it was the owner's responsibility to make certain that the older child did that.

And surely it's the majority of parents of young children who could NOT afford to suddenly pay thousands for a laptop without warning? If all the people involved actually had so much disposable income that there would be no question of borrowing or cancelling vacations, then and only then would it be reasonable to expect the parents of the juice spiller to offer.

[ayebydan]

Late to the party but I support at least asking for a contribution from the spiller's parents.

Children should learn from a young age what is theirs to be around and what isn't.