Dear Abby: "Wife Performing In Sex Tape Doesn't Know She's A Star"

[minoanmiss]

http://news.yahoo.com/wife-performing-sex-tape-doesnt-know-shes-star-063005935.html



DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been married for 10 years, and it is a wonderful marriage. We love each other very much, never argue and get along great. We have a 2-year-old child.

Recently I found a "sex tape" online of my wife with the guy she dated before me. This video was taken without her knowledge and is from 13 years ago, Because of this, I am not upset about it.

My question is, should I bring this to her attention, and if so, how? I feel she needs to know it's out there. I'm reacting to this as a man would. I don't know how a woman would react. Please help. -- IT'S PRIVATE

DEAR IT'S PRIVATE: Although there are no sex tapes of me floating around, I can tell you from a woman's perspective that if there was one (and the lighting was unflattering), I'd be furious. Your wife has a right to know, so don't keep her in the dark.

P.S. How did you come across that video? I'm sure she will be interested to know.

Comments

[minoanmiss]

I admit to giggling at "(and the lighting was unflattering)" and generally agreeing with the advice, but the PS... is it generational, and/or reflective of another cultural difference, that I don't find it remarkable or awful that a happily married man might look at pornography every so often?

PS If Previous Boyfriend put the tape online I hope she has some kind of legal recourse to swat him with. (And some way to get it taken down, but I kind of doubt that's possible.)

[cereta]

is it generational, and/or reflective of another cultural difference, that I don't find it remarkable or awful that a happily married man might look at pornography every so often?

I remember when I was in fertility treatments, and the problem of men, erm, choking in the clutch (or not, as it were) came up. The nurse carefully advised me to ease up on any restriction on "tapes and magazines."

Picture me realizing she's saying "give your husband permission to watch porn."

I managed to keep a straight face. It was a near thing.

I dunno. I think it just varies. Porn is pretty mainstream now, but there are still people who are shocked by it.

[herlander_refugee]

And that this: "I can tell you from a woman's perspective that if there was one (and the lighting was unflattering), I'd be furious."
is even part of the answer makes me insane. Seriously, the idiot doing "Abby" now thinks that is an acceptable joke?

Yeah. Women need straight razors. And not to replace waxing.

[minoanmiss]

Huh, interesting. I laughed at it because it seemed like an "Arson, Murder & Jaywalking" kind of joke -- and in addition to this incredibly horrific thing, the lighting was bad! I thought it was intentional ridiculousness, but looking at it from a different angle... yeah, not funny. :(

[recessional]

I am . . . more than slightly off-put by the "and the light was unflattering" comment, particularly from this context, and especially because it's presented as "a woman [generic]'s perspective" rather than "my personal perspective".

I think her advice is correct. I also would think that yeah, a priori there's nothing that off about somebody looking at porn. (I say "a priori" because context is everything, but, yeah.)

[redbird]

I can think of one good reason for the letter writer's wife to be upset at the idea that her husband was looking at such tapes. She might (correctly or otherwise) conclude that he was okay in general with looking at tapes of women made without their knowledge or consent, or even deliberately seeking out such tapes, and only balked in this case because it was her.

[vass]

Yes, this. Perhaps I'm wrong (not my area of expertise) but I wouldn't have thought that's a genre of porn you'd find easily without looking specifically for that.

[maire]

Why on earth is 'Abby' not taking the guy to task for his implication that if his wife had known she was being filmed, she'd have been doing something wrong. WTF?

What business is it of his what she got up to before her relationship with him started and with other consenting adults?

That last comment is just icky. What on earth is wrong with married people seeking out porn privately? The bit implying that the whole moral question of whether it's OK to secretly film your partner during sex and then display it to the world depends only on whether you're flattering to your partner is also just gross.