Sense and Sensitivty:

[cereta]

DEAR HARRIETTE: Over the holidays, I saw a man I knew as a child. He is in his late 20s, and I hardly recognized him. He has blown up like crazy. I mean, he’s at least 40 pounds overweight. I’m sure he knows it; how could he not? Still, should I ask him about his health? We have never been close. I knew him from my family's church, but I hadn't seen him for a long time.

I don’t mean to be a busybody, but I am worried about him. This young man is headed for a health crisis if he doesn’t make some changes. -- None of My Business, Syracuse, New York

DEAR NONE OF MY BUSINESS: It can be jarring to see someone after a long period of time and to notice a dramatic change, especially a weight gain. Yet this is also fairly common. Talk to anyone who has gone to a high school or college reunion. In fact, many people diet right before going to these types of events so that they can look their best.

If you were closer to this young man, I could see space for you to talk to him about his health. Given the fact that you were never close, it would be awkward and inappropriate for you to step in and ask him about his weight gain. Instead, keep your mouth closed. You can greet the young man and ask him about his life. As is common when fellow parishioners reconnect, inquire about his life, his work or education. Get a sense of who he is becoming. Be encouraging. But do not address the topic of his weight.

Comments

[cereta]

Dear God save me from people who are "concerned" about my weight. Whether you're nearly a stranger or BFFs, save the "concern" unless the person asks you for it.

[fox]

40 pounds?

Where are my pearls, so I may clutch them.

[flicks LW away like a watermelon seed]

[ellen_fremedon]

How does she manage to write variations on "I know it's none of my business" FOUR SEPARATE TIMES in two paragraphs and still send the letter? You'd think self-awareness would kick in at some point.

[amireal]

What kills me about this is that it's SO CLASSIC. "I know nothing about the intervening years or their current health and life situation BUT OMG I CAN SEE FAT THEREFORE THEY MUST BE SUPER UNHEALTHY AND TOTALLY NOT KNOW IT BECAUSE FAT PEOPLE NEVER KNOW IT!

There's a certain type of judgemental arrogance that I'm getting really damn tired of.

[shirou]

I wonder if the people who think this kind of behavior is appropriate would also approach someone with a rash, scar, or other visible health problem and ask about it.

[jadelennox]

speaking from experience, yes.

[rosefox]

Dear "None of My Business": You're right, it's none of your business.

Honestly, why do these people even write in?!

[cereta]

Because someone like Abby would encourage them to intervene.

[lilysea]

Dear LW:

People gain weight for many reasons, including but not limited to:

- many medications cause significant weight-gain;
- hormone issues like PCOS (Polycystic ovary syndrome);
- chronic pain limits mobility;
- fatigue limits mobility;
- working too many hours = no time to exercise;
- working too many hours = no time to cook;
- caring for babies/children/elderly parents = no time to exercise/cook;
- can't afford better food due to poverty/food deserts;
- prison food often causes weight-gain.

LITERALLY NONE OF THESE REASONS ARE YOUR BUSINESS.

No one owes you an explanation of why they are fat!

Weight is a matter for the person and their GP, and no-one else!

Would it really make you feel better if the person went "Well, the medication to treat my suicidal Depression made me put on 40 kilograms" ?