Dear Abby: Abby on weight. Fish in Barrel

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY?: What do you say if someone who is overweight says she's fat or asks you if she's fat? It's always such an awkward situation, and I usually end up saying, "Of course you're not fat!" I'd like to know if there's a better way of handling this. You always know what to say. -- TONGUE-TIED IN FLORIDA

DEAR TONGUE-TIED: If someone who was obese stated that she (or he) was fat, I would either let the comment hang there in silence or I'd say, "What do you intend to do about it?" And if someone with a weight problem asked me if he or she was fat, instead of denying the obvious, I would respond, "What I think isn't nearly as important as what you think about that."

Comments

[cereta]

You know, the sad thing is, the second answer not only isn't bad, it's actually quite good. Because the truth is, the social script of, "Am I fat?", "No, of course you're not!" isn't a particularly healthy one, and breaking out of that is good. The fact that Abby doesn't intend it to to mean, "you know, maybe the important thing is how you feel about your body and not how society is telling you to feel" doesn't mean her answer can't be used that way.

But man, on a good day, a GOOD day, if I expressed frustration with my weight and the issues that went with it, and a "friend" answered "What do you intend to do about it?", I am not sure how long that friendship would last. On a day like today, when my exercise regime is suffering another injury-related setback after weeks of struggling through a chronic cough? There might be violence.

[owlectomy]

I would like to be able to say "I'm fat" without totally derailing the conversation into "No you're not!"

It's not necessarily fishing for compliments. It's a piece of information that adds to the discussion.

Scenario: Friend A is posting lots of stuff on her tumblr shaming fat meat-eaters. I complain to mutual Friend B about it, saying, "Hello, she DOES have a friend who is a fat vegetarian!"

Conversation instantly becomes about whether or not I am fat.

Probably best to let the remark pass without comment, and address the real problem -- the thoughtless friend, the inability to find pants, etc.

[amadi]

Notice how the letter writer said "overweight" and Abby immediately jumped to "obese?" Is anyone dealing with a spare 10-15 pounds in Abby's world or is everyone, well, amadi-sized? Geez.

I can't even poke at the pros and cons of the response because I'm so caught up in Abby's obsession with ZOMGOBESITY.

[havocthecat]

DEAR TONGUE-TIED: If someone who was obese stated that she (or he) was fat, I would SHAME THE EVER-LIVING FUCK OUT OF THEM for not meeting our societal standards.