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Dear Prudence: brother’s girlfriend is refusing to treat her cancer with modern medicine
Question. Brother’s new GF wants to cure cancer with vegetables: My brother, a widower, is dating a new girlfriend after a long search. She is kind and loving, and I want them to be happy, but there’s one major problem: She has breast cancer, and she’s gone down the naturopathy rabbit hole. She absolutely rejects any form of modern medical treatment because she thinks the so-called “medical establishment” is corrupt and has placed her survival in the hands of “medical intuitives” who tell her to eat vegan foods, open her chakras, and visualize tying ribbons around her liver—I am not making this up.
If she keeps this up, she’s going to die, and my brother will face terrible mourning again. His daughter (a medical technician) and I are appalled, but unfortunately, the girlfriend has the right to make her own (terrible) decisions. Is there anything I can say or do to alter this inevitably fatal outcome?
Answer: How painful, and how bewildering. You’re right, of course, to recognize that your brother’s girlfriend has the right to manage her own medical care, even if her choice is a dangerous one. But that doesn’t mean you can’t speak to your brother about it—not necessarily with the expectation that he will be able to change her mind, but inasmuch as this is a very serious decision that will surely affect him too. Surely he’s distressed that she is ignoring her own diagnosis and could use some support as he figures out how to take care of his own feelings, as well as encourage her to at least consider seeing a medical doctor once with an open mind. Ask him how he’s doing, and if there’s anything you can do to help him.
Question. Re: Brother’s new GF wants to cure cancer with vegetables: The brother (and the letter writer) may also want to look into supportive services and resources for cancer caregivers at major cancer centers. The American Cancer Society has excellent guides for people who are caring and living with those who have cancer and the brother may want to seek specific counselling services to better cope with and understand the choices his girlfriend is making, no matter how much he and the letter writer may disagree with them.
Answer: Thank you so much for this. There are a lot of resources available to cancer patients and their loved ones, and I think it might help both you and your brother if you access them. His girlfriend certainly isn’t the first person to attempt to manage her diagnosis with positive visualization and vegetables, and they might have helpful recommendations about how to both support her and encourage her to seek medical treatment—and if she continues to refuse to do so, to get help yourselves in coping with the ramifications of her decision.
If she keeps this up, she’s going to die, and my brother will face terrible mourning again. His daughter (a medical technician) and I are appalled, but unfortunately, the girlfriend has the right to make her own (terrible) decisions. Is there anything I can say or do to alter this inevitably fatal outcome?
Answer: How painful, and how bewildering. You’re right, of course, to recognize that your brother’s girlfriend has the right to manage her own medical care, even if her choice is a dangerous one. But that doesn’t mean you can’t speak to your brother about it—not necessarily with the expectation that he will be able to change her mind, but inasmuch as this is a very serious decision that will surely affect him too. Surely he’s distressed that she is ignoring her own diagnosis and could use some support as he figures out how to take care of his own feelings, as well as encourage her to at least consider seeing a medical doctor once with an open mind. Ask him how he’s doing, and if there’s anything you can do to help him.
Question. Re: Brother’s new GF wants to cure cancer with vegetables: The brother (and the letter writer) may also want to look into supportive services and resources for cancer caregivers at major cancer centers. The American Cancer Society has excellent guides for people who are caring and living with those who have cancer and the brother may want to seek specific counselling services to better cope with and understand the choices his girlfriend is making, no matter how much he and the letter writer may disagree with them.
Answer: Thank you so much for this. There are a lot of resources available to cancer patients and their loved ones, and I think it might help both you and your brother if you access them. His girlfriend certainly isn’t the first person to attempt to manage her diagnosis with positive visualization and vegetables, and they might have helpful recommendations about how to both support her and encourage her to seek medical treatment—and if she continues to refuse to do so, to get help yourselves in coping with the ramifications of her decision.
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