Asking Eric, two letters from the same column

[conuly]

Link

1. Dear Eric: After college, I moved to Chicago even though my parents wanted me to move back home. They live in a suburb outside of Indianapolis. It’s fine for them but I wanted better career prospects and a social life that was different from what I had growing up.

I’m really happy here. It’s been five years and I don’t see any reason to move back.

Recently, I joined my parents on vacation at the lake, and they had what felt like an intervention for me. They and my aunt and uncle basically ambushed me at dinner and pointed out all these things that had changed about me. Each one of these things was an indication I was “losing myself.” Some of them were so silly, like I was letting my facial hair grow out and I once talked about a friend of mine and used “they” to refer to them (because they are non-binary).

They ended the meal by saying I had a lot to think about. I don’t really know what to do with this.

– Changed for the Better

Dear Changed: I’m not sure you do have a lot to think about. It sounds like they have a lot to think about, namely their acceptance and their expectations of you.

It’s reasonable and understandable to be concerned about a young adult child, especially when that child is in a different city. And they may have been letting their anxieties get the best of them. Try to hear the “note behind the note.” Is there something they want for you that you also want for yourself? If so, you may be able to find that without moving home, if you don’t want to.

If you’re curious, you might ask them to say more about what’s really going on, encouraging them to stay away from surface details. Ask them if they feel your relationship with them has changed in ways that make them nervous. If you were available enough to go on a lake vacation with just them and sit through an intervention dinner, it doesn’t sound like you’re neglecting them or your relationship with them. But it might be useful to poke around a bit to see if there’s some unmet expectation.

Most importantly, remember that this is a growing time for them and for you. Some of that growth will happen in tandem; most will happen separately. Focus on maintaining your connection and be clear with yourself, and them, about what your goals are and how you aspire to walk through the world.

****

2. Dear Eric: I do ballroom dance and we dance with many different partners throughout the evening. There is one gentleman that I dance with who likes to tell corny jokes. One of us will ask the other to dance, then he will invariably tell a corny joke or two before we begin dancing.

His latest was “What do attorneys wear to court? Lawsuits.” Corny.

I don’t find the jokes funny, or even clever. I’m not sure why he tells me the jokes. I usually just smile or groan. I have never laughed or encouraged more.

I thought he would recognize that I wasn’t enjoying them and stop, but that hasn’t happened. He seems oblivious to the fact. I’m sure he’s this way with all the women that he dances with, not just me. I assume he’s this way in life.

Is there a kind and polite way to tell this gentleman to stop telling me jokes? Or do I just continue to smile and groan since it seems like this is just the way he is? Why do people tell corny jokes at all? Is it anxiety or some need?

– Stop the Jokes Please

Dear Jokes: This may just be his way of breaking the ice, albeit one that’s grating to you. For him, the annoying part of it may be part of the “charm.” There’s a big audience for so-called “dad jokes.”

I’m mostly tempted to say just ignore it. You don’t have to grin or smile, if you don’t want to. You’re there to dance and it’s OK to keep your focus on that without offering a pity laugh to this man.

However, it’s noteworthy that you wrote he’s this way with all the women he dances with. He may consider this some kind of flirting and it’s clear that, at least in your case, it’s not welcome. If these jokes are making you uncomfortable or you feel that there is a pressure to give him a smile, a laugh, or do some other kind of emotional maintenance, it might be helpful to address it head-on. You can say something simple like, “I’m not a ‘dad joke’ person and it takes me out of the experience. Next time, can we just enjoy dancing together?”

Comments

[conuly]

1. LW1, I hate to break it to you, but your family is conformist in the worst way, and apparently also queerphobic. I'm not going to tell you to minimize contact, but that may end up where you end up if things don't improve. Definitely never move back home.

2. LW2 - geez, lighten up. Or if you really can't, just tell him, openly, that you don't like jokes, and then never smile or groan again. But seriously, lighten up.

[zavodilaterrarium]

2. I usually just smile or groan. I have never laughed or encouraged more.
Unfortunately for LW2, both smiling and groaning could be interpreted as 'positive' reactions to a joke, especially a corny one. It does depend on how you do it (like, obviously the more venomous your groan/scoff, the less positive), but puns are often a form of teasing and playful annoyance, so you have go be a lot more clear than that if it genuinely annoys you. I love corny jokes but they will get me groaning if I think that's the funnier reaction in that scenario.

Why do people tell corny jokes at all? Is it anxiety or some need?
I get you hate them, but goddamn, you don't have to pathologize them lmfao. Corny jokes are funny to some people, and can lighten the mood. I think myself very funny, but I can't pull a good, non-corny joke from thin air, something has to be happening for me to joke about it. So like, if I'm gonna joke as a greeting, it's gonna be corny. Sure, I could just not do that, and typically I don't. But that doesn't make it wrong to if you wanna! You also don't have to communicate with willpower and mental insults!

[lilysea]

LW, unless

1. the person having an opinion is your sexual partner who is saying "your facial hair is scratching me during kissing/oral sex"

or

2. the person having an opinion is your work supervisor who is saying "your facial hair means your N95 face mask/fire fighter mask/scuba mask or similar doesn't seal properly and this is a safety issue"

then your facial hair is none of their business.

[lilysea]

Each one of these things was an indication I was “losing myself.” Some of them were so silly, like I was letting my facial hair grow out and I once talked about a friend of mine and used “they” to refer to them (because they are non-binary).

They ended the meal by saying I had a lot to think about. I don’t really know what to do with this.

Ugh, the vibes I am getting from this is that LW's family voted for Trump / are MAGA types.

[mrissa]

Each one of these things was an indication I was “losing myself.”

So five years after college...this person is likely 25-29. And their family is concerned that they are not the same person they were when they were a high school student living at home. Wouldn't it be more concerning if they were entirely the same person? I have known 27yos who had not seemed to gain life experience or awareness of other perspectives since they were 16. It was not good. That's the perspective you need on how seriously to take this, LW. They are asking for your politics, your social attitudes, your personal style--your "self"--to be frozen in amber from high school. That's a big no thanks, not a chance to ask them to say more about it.

[matsushima]

So five years after college...this person is likely 25-29. And their family is concerned that they are not the same person they were when they were a high school student living at home. Wouldn't it be more concerning if they were entirely the same person?
I had the same thoughts exactly. It sounds like LW1's family is upset that LW1 has learned more about the world than their (sheltered, conservative) family wanted them to. That's not "losing yourself," that's growing up.

[mrissa]

I don't know if they're still doing this, but in the 90s there was a huge push for high school students from evangelical backgrounds to take various public pledges, not just the one that they would not have sex before marriage (although FOR SURE THAT) but also for various other things that their evangelical churches wanted to encourage or avoid. And that was used as a shaming mechanism, look, you have broken your explicit public promise, this stuff is definitely everyone's business and you have messed it up. And I think that part of that is trying to get to pin down a young person's values, not just teach them values but get them to swear an oath that they adhere to these values...before they are fully aware of the options. And "losing yourself" was definitely part of that. We have now fully defined what is and is not "you"! You don't get to grow or change! Sigh.

[conuly]

What I read once - don't remember where - is that purity rings are the ultimate example of something that does not scale. When less than about 1/3 of the school has them, most of the kids wearing them put them on at least a little by choice and really get a morale boost at seeing how many people are in their particular minority. But once you get past that tipping point there's too much peer and parental pressure, and lots of kids put them on with no intent of taking it seriously, and everybody knows it and it all tanks.

That's not quite relevant to what you said. Sorry.

[mrissa]

Not quite but it's still very interesting, at least to me.

[resonant]

Swearing that I would never change my beliefs would be a violation of my values, which include openness to experience, ongoing learning, and accepting people who are different from me.

These people always want to talk like nothing counts as values unless they agree with it.

[aflaminghalo]

>a young adult child

> After college,... It’s been five years

Its getting creepier and creepier how old "young adults" are getting. OP is at least 26.

[cereta]

I think there's two meanings. There's young (adj) adult (noun), which just means that an adult is young (under about 35), and there's "young adult" (noun), which describes things like books and clothes, and refers to adolescence. That said, we've extended adolescence quite a lot.