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Dear Prudence: My friend is stalking a celebrity
Dear Prudence,
I’ve known my friend “B” for around five years. We met as students and had a wonderful companionship through school and still remain close. The only problem is her escalating interest in the cast of a television show, particularly one male actor. It began with a minor interest in the show while we were students. She was going through a rough time personally and began watching; over the years, she has become so obsessed with one of the lead actors that she now spends thousands of dollars to go to conventions across the country, attends related events, and generally finds reasons to be in his neighborhood. They have “coincidentally” met several times, and he was rude to her on multiple occasions. This is only a fraction of what B has done to research, stalk, and meet this actor, who is twice her age. He now recognizes her.
I’ve never spoken to her about how I feel although the whole thing creeps me out. Now she has a group of friends that she met online, and they are all intensely involved in the “fandom,” too. When I have met them, they only discussed said actor, who most recently saw him, and what’s happening in their online community. Many of her pre-fandom friends are ghosting her, including her closest friend from childhood, and I’m considering doing the same. Others have told B that her behavior is odd, and she has responded with anger. Should I tell her that this is why her other friends have stopped speaking to her? (She is completely unaware of the reason they dropped out of her life.) Or should I avoid the confrontation and fade out as well?
—Caught Up in Fandom
Answer: Your friend B’s behavior isn’t odd, it’s worrying and dangerous. Having a significant interest in a particular show, or spending a lot of time thinking about celebrities, is harmlessly odd, in much the same way that getting really into any hobby or pastime is a little odd but ultimately rewarding for the enthusiast. What you’re describing—stalking an actor to the point of immediate recognition, the fact that he clearly does not like running into her, turning on friends who don’t share her all-consuming interest in the object of her affections, an apparent inability to recognize her own behavior as socially inappropriate—is highly distressing, and since you’re already on the verge of giving up your friendship with her, you have nothing to lose by telling her the truth. You already know that her immediate response is likely to be anger, so prepare yourself for that outcome and say it anyway. Tell her that you care about her, that you value her friendship, that the change you’ve seen in her over the last few years has worried you profoundly, that you’ve seen her react to gentle criticism with defensiveness and anger, that she’s lost friendships over her all-consuming obsession with this actor and recentered her social life around people who validate and support her stalking, and that you’re worried about her and want her to seek help to make better choices. If she decides not to take your advice and stops speaking to you, you’ve lost nothing, and at least you’ll know that at least once, someone tried to reflect reality and truth to her. I wish both of you the best.
I’ve known my friend “B” for around five years. We met as students and had a wonderful companionship through school and still remain close. The only problem is her escalating interest in the cast of a television show, particularly one male actor. It began with a minor interest in the show while we were students. She was going through a rough time personally and began watching; over the years, she has become so obsessed with one of the lead actors that she now spends thousands of dollars to go to conventions across the country, attends related events, and generally finds reasons to be in his neighborhood. They have “coincidentally” met several times, and he was rude to her on multiple occasions. This is only a fraction of what B has done to research, stalk, and meet this actor, who is twice her age. He now recognizes her.
I’ve never spoken to her about how I feel although the whole thing creeps me out. Now she has a group of friends that she met online, and they are all intensely involved in the “fandom,” too. When I have met them, they only discussed said actor, who most recently saw him, and what’s happening in their online community. Many of her pre-fandom friends are ghosting her, including her closest friend from childhood, and I’m considering doing the same. Others have told B that her behavior is odd, and she has responded with anger. Should I tell her that this is why her other friends have stopped speaking to her? (She is completely unaware of the reason they dropped out of her life.) Or should I avoid the confrontation and fade out as well?
—Caught Up in Fandom
Answer: Your friend B’s behavior isn’t odd, it’s worrying and dangerous. Having a significant interest in a particular show, or spending a lot of time thinking about celebrities, is harmlessly odd, in much the same way that getting really into any hobby or pastime is a little odd but ultimately rewarding for the enthusiast. What you’re describing—stalking an actor to the point of immediate recognition, the fact that he clearly does not like running into her, turning on friends who don’t share her all-consuming interest in the object of her affections, an apparent inability to recognize her own behavior as socially inappropriate—is highly distressing, and since you’re already on the verge of giving up your friendship with her, you have nothing to lose by telling her the truth. You already know that her immediate response is likely to be anger, so prepare yourself for that outcome and say it anyway. Tell her that you care about her, that you value her friendship, that the change you’ve seen in her over the last few years has worried you profoundly, that you’ve seen her react to gentle criticism with defensiveness and anger, that she’s lost friendships over her all-consuming obsession with this actor and recentered her social life around people who validate and support her stalking, and that you’re worried about her and want her to seek help to make better choices. If she decides not to take your advice and stops speaking to you, you’ve lost nothing, and at least you’ll know that at least once, someone tried to reflect reality and truth to her. I wish both of you the best.
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It must be so weird experiencing someone do this in RL as opposed to online, especially if you're a complete fandom outsider. It's disturbing enough watching the tinhatting and stalking people post about online.
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So Goss is a comm devoted to the fervent belief that Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki are in a secret relationship and their wives and children are an elaborate cover up for that relationship. It's something else.
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...
!!!
Thank you for explaining. ^_^
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I'm just glad you have not encountered this behavior in its native habitat. LOL
With Goss, I console myself by thinking the number of people in the community (it's anon) is probably very small; the idea that lots of people go to conventions and stalk out the parts of Vancouver where J2 work/live to find evidence for the theory that they're secretly dating is very disturbing.
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