agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Carolyn: My stepdad died suddenly of a heart attack two years ago, and my mom let me move in with her. Her place is huge, so she doesn’t want to live there alone. She can’t sell the house because she didn’t really inherit it; she can live there until she dies, then it goes to my stepbrother. My mom doesn’t charge me rent; she said I should save and invest the money instead, so it’ll be there when I do get a place. She doesn’t try to run my life, and I have plenty of room, plus there’s a pool, sauna, tennis court, etc., so it’s a great deal and we both benefit.

This arrangement makes my dad and stepmom crazy. They keep telling me it’s hurting me since I’m not living in the “real world.” And they complain that they can’t visit me at my home. My parents are okay with each other but haven’t been in the same room since my college graduation six years ago. My mom and stepmom don’t get along. But I go over to their house all the time, so it’s not interfering with our relationship.

My dad and stepmom even made my little sister ask why I’m living still with my mom — because no way a 15-year-old is asking that on her own.

I am banking money, I cook for myself a lot of the time and do my own laundry. With work, dating, getting enough exercise and sleep, life is hard enough. Why should I deliberately make it harder on myself just to prove a point? How do I shut them down while staying on good terms?

Living With Mom: The “real world” comment is too silly to dignify with analysis beyond this: You’re saving money while making your mom’s awkward arrangement a little less so. Seems real to me. I assume the walls and furniture conform to the laws of physics. Even if your parents’ objections weren’t giving off disingenuous fumes — “We can’t abide your mother,” just say it! — this would still be 100 percent your business, zero percent theirs. Not subject to their opinions.

Now, if they wanted to express their frustration that “they can’t visit me at my home” — and instead of trying to frame it as bad for you simply admitted it’s bad for them and they wished they could feel comfortable visiting — then, okay. That’s enough of their business (barely) for you three to have one straightforward conversation about that. One. But hammering at it — this obstacle or anything else — once again makes it trespassing into your business.

You handle trespassers with a fence backed by enforcement. The fence is: “You’ve made your views clear. I’m through discussing my living arrangements with you.” The enforcement is a flat refusal to engage if they ignore your fence: “Next topic.” Don’t flinch, flip out or take any bait.

As for your “good terms,” even if the fence is sweet and pretty, people often react poorly once they learn they can’t trespass anymore. Whose fault would you say that is? It’s uncomfortable, sure. But your dad and stepmom just don’t get a say in where an adult-you lives and what you’ll debate with people. If they expect one and are willing to punish you emotionally to get it, then it starts to make sense why they’d take this living arrangement so hard.

Re: Dad and stepmom: Their roping in your little sister to keep prying into this situation for them, frankly, bothers me. A lot. — Anonymous

Anonymous: Thanks, that’s an answer unto itself, isn’t it? Control freaky. But the older sib can provide a counterexample next time. Or maybe it’s counterprogramming.

Younger sib: [comment parroting parents].

Older: “Huh. What makes you say that?” Or a prompt: “Interesting. What would you do in my place, then?” Then engage on the various points. “Right, I might want X too. But then I’d have to do Y and Z.”

In other words, instead of coming back reflexively with defenses or explanations for living with Mom, draw out the little sister to get her thinking for herself. (Dad and stepmom will love that.) It says you’re not dismissing hers as kiddie opinions while subtly saying nope to any parental propaganda.

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I will point out that Stepsister is 15, not 5, and it's at least possible that she came up with that question on her own - or at least, that the parents didn't explicitly intend for her to be their little flying monkey.

But LW knows those people and I don't, so if they think there's reason to believe that they're manipulating their daughter to carry messages, they probably have a good reason for that belief. In which case, given that this kid is, again, 15 and not 5, I will say the same thing I said the one and only time my mother tried this bullshit on my then-teenaged older nibling: If she ever used the kids to carry a message for her again, that would be the very last time I spoke to her about anything nonessential. It'd be doctor visits and meals only, and I'd block her number.

I didn't usually resort to outright threats with Mommy, but that was going too far. (I also talked to the nibling about it, and said that even if they don't understand my rule against carrying messages, I understood it and expected them to follow it. That rule was for their benefit, even if they didn't see it.)

And you know what, LW? My mother whined and fussed and swore she never meant to do it - but she absolutely was in the wrong, and she absolutely knew it, and I never had that problem with her again. Mind, she kept trying to get my sister to pass messages along to me, but even though Jenn thought my firm stance was an overreaction she did respect me enough to not go along with it. And of course, I never would pass that sort of message on to anybody else, and frequently walked out of the room if Mommy tried it, so she stopped trying very *hard*.

Edited 2025-11-20 20:36 (UTC)

"Shut them down" doesn't work in the same sentence/relationship as "stay on good terms". The need to shut them down comes from dad/stepmom already creating bad terms with YW. Boundaries. Enforcement. Full stop. Whatever the dad and step-mom decide to do about it is on them.

They keep telling me it’s hurting me since I’m not living in the “real world.”

What a messed up viewpoint for LW's dad and stepmom to take, to think that LW's life should be harder. Okay, so LW lives with their mom rent-free (in a luxury house no less). LW is saving on rent. They'll have a nest egg for when they do decide to leave or have to move out. What's wrong with that? Is it the luxury house? Is it that Mom is giving LW an opportunity to get ahead? Are they jealous?

Any which way, LW should shut them down as Carolyn describes, because LW is an adult now, and how they live their life is no one's business but LW's.

Wow, this is so none of her dad's business. AT ALL.

I agree that LW can just refuse to discuss it and keep visiting them. I don't see a problem here with her living arrangements! If she and her mom are happy, then so what!

Some cultures regard living with, and caring for, your aged parent as filial piety.

The only way this would be any of LW's dad's business is if it was genuinely hurting LW in some way

for example

"I hate that living with your mum means you have to hide that you are gay/bisexual/trans"

or "I hate that living with your mum means that you have to give up your ambition to be a professional dancer in favour of doing law"

or

"your mum is a major drug dealer, and I am worried that if there is a police raid, you could get caught up in it"

None of these apply, so it is none of the Dads business.

Envy is one of the deadly sins.

I wish I could tell LW she's being more of an adult here than her dad & stepmom.

Dad and stepmom don't want that ex-wife "winning" anything, including the LW's affection. How very dare LW have a good relationship with their mother, save money, and live a good life that doesn't involve them!