Dear Abby: Wife Treated Like a Queen Longs for Simple Snuggling

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: I recently got married to a wonderful man who is 19 years younger than I am. He's the love of my life. The problem is, he sleeps totally on one side of the bed and isn't affectionate at night except when we are making love. Then he is amazing -- affectionate, sensitive, and very attentive and kind.

He says his mother was very cold toward him, and he was reared by his grandparents, who loved him, but were not "touchy-feely." He treats me like a queen, Abby. Should I just forget about it and be content sleeping un-hugged and un-held all night? -- ON MY SIDE IN MARYLAND

DEAR ON YOUR SIDE: No, you should talk to your husband and explain what your needs are. Although the sex is wonderful, many people -- of both sexes, by the way -- need to feel the warmth of human contact. Because he treats you like a queen, tell him you need more, and perhaps he will make more of an effort on your side of the bed and outside the bedroom.

Comments

[cereta]

As someone who, with one major exception*, doesn't really like being touched in my sleep, I'm bothered by Abby's answer. There doesn't seem to be any consideration for the husband's needs. Maybe he can't sleep while snuggling, or even touching another person.

Why not suggest a compromise: a period of snuggling before bed. They can watch a movie, or read, or just enjoy the moment.

*That being the increasingly-less-small fanperson. And even there, unless we're sleeping in the recliner, all night is tough for me, as staying in one position all night leads to pain.

[lone_lilly]

But... why would you only address this after you were married?

And also, maybe be content with the affection and love he shows you but respect his own need for space when he is sleeping?

[lunabee34]

No!!!!!

Sleeping time is for sleeping and not touching another human at all! Awake time is for touching.

[redbird]

It sounds as though Abby mis-read the question: her answer would make sense for "my husband isn't affectionate [at all] except when we make love." Asking someone to make more effort outside the bedroom would make sense if the problem was closer to "he doesn't touch me except during sex, or when he's asking for sex," rather than "doesn't like to be touched when he sleeps, or when he's falling asleep."

If that's the relevance of his grandparents not having been "touchy-feely," a suggestion to ask for more snuggling, hand-holding or other contact during the day would make sense. For what's actually described, cereta's suggestion of snuggling before sleep would make sense.

[xenacryst]

That's pretty much what I do. I'd love to be able to fall asleep snuggling, but I can't - or, well, I can, but my partner can't because I have a bit of restless legs and frequently twitch as I fall asleep. Smacking or kicking your snuggling partner does not endear you to them. But a bit of snuggling before falling asleep is fine.

[cereta]

Yeah, I do quite a bit of myoclonic jerking, so that, too, would be an issue.

[deird1]

So says my best friend. Whereas I reckon sleep time must involve snuggling. Thankfully, our spouses agree with us. :)

[lunabee34]

Heeeeee.

Mine does not agree with me but accepts that it must be so for me.

[deird1]

We spent a year in two single beds pushed together - with a 4 inch GAP where the sides were. We were miserable. No touching knees, or anything!

My bestie couldn't really see the problem...

[lunabee34]

Awwwww. That sucks. I'm glad those times are behind you.

I do like it when our backs touch at night. Sometimes. LOL

[shirou]

I do that too but didn't know what it was called! Thank you!

I agree with your answer. I couldn't cuddle and sleep at the same time, and frankly I have a hard time imagining how anyone could. There are times for being affectionate, but the LW should understand that her husband needs sleeping time to be for sleep and discuss how/when else he can meet her needs.

[torachan]

Yeah, this is a terrible answer. Not everyone likes to sleep touching or cuddling and that is perfectly fine.