agonyaunt | (no subject)

DEAR ABBY: My daughter, "Violet," lives about two hours away. She and her mother (my wife) do not get along. Violet was always a rebellious, independent wild child, as well as the source of a lot of family problems. Violet and I also were estranged until we recently reconciled.

Yesterday, she sent me an email inviting me to lunch to celebrate my birthday. When I told my wife about the invitation, she responded, "Do what you want" in a tone and with a facial expression which said: "Go ahead, but if you do, you'll be sorry."

I have tried to reconcile these two women I love without success. My wife tells me she loves Violet but doesn't like her, although she would like to have a better relationship with her. Violet tells me she blames her mother for her PTSD (her unofficial diagnosis) and wants nothing to do with her.

So do I go to lunch with my daughter and incur the wrath of my wife for what she would consider a betrayal, or do I decline the invitation from my daughter and risk alienating her again? -- IN THE MIDDLE IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR IN THE MIDDLE: Your wife is wrong to attempt to use you to punish her troubled daughter. It would benefit all three of you if Violet were properly diagnosed. Before having that birthday lunch, ask your doctor if he or she can give you the name of some doctors who specialize in diagnosing and treating PTSD. During the lunch, tell Violet you love her, but this split in the family isn't good for any of you, which is why you are giving her the names of doctors who can help her work through her trauma. An alternative to that might be family counseling for the three of you.

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Oh, yes, Violet was the cause of these family problems, not LW and their controlling wife who may or may not have given their daughter PTSD.

I'm sure there are situations where the person who is in the right in a situation says "do what you want" with the clear understanding that it's a threat, but I can't actually think of any right now.

It's also possible that someone who describes their child as independent as if it is a bad thing might not be a complete piece of shit. The world is large, who could say.

"Her" troubled daughter? "Her" troubled daughter????

Violet is the LW's daughter too!!!!

Why is the columnist assuming that Violet hasn’t been checked out? Doctors use unofficial/working diagnoses all the time. Sometimes someone doesn’t fit neatly into a category, or it’s still being investigated (which can go on for a very long time), or a doc doesn’t want to label someone officially as something because it’s stigmatized or could cause problems for the patient (with employment, for example). An unofficial diagnosis doesn’t mean it’s something Violet came up with with no consultation or input from anyone.

Even if Violet gets a good therapist, if she's right [and I'm inclined to believe that she is] and her mom is the reason she has PTSD, then that family split maybe is good for her and LW has an obligation as a parent to prioritize the wellbeing of their daughter.

Seriously, what would it hurt LW or Violet to go out for a birthday lunch?

I have tried to reconcile these two women I love without success.

There's your problem, LW. You can't reconcile two people who don't want to be reconciled with one another. [For limited values of control] LW controls their relationship with their daughter, and their relationship with their wife. They cannot control their wife's relationship with their daughter, and they should stop trying. Have lunch if you want, but don't press for reconciliation. Tell your wife that you aren't trying to control her relationship with your daughter, and you respect their (mutual!) desire to not interact. Have a nice lunch and don't talk about mom. Come home and don't talk about your daughter.

This is terrible advice.

Dad needs to tell his wife not to punish him for trying to have a relationship with their daughter.

If he wants to suggest PTSD resources for the daughter, that's great.

But no way do the three of them need family counseling; jeez. My shoulders are up around my ears just thinking about it.

+1. Group counseling is not for adversarial parties who disagree about whether one of them abused the other, for fuck's sake.