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Carolyn and readers are both nicer and more helpful than I am
Dear Carolyn: I’ve noticed an odd pattern in communication with my mother-in-law, “Ellen,” that I barely know how to describe, much less address. Basically, she won’t ever state her needs or wants, even when it’s very clear what she needs or wants.
One example: On a visit last week, my 3-year-old was listening to an audiobook that mimicked animal sounds. On multiple occasions, Ellen mentioned that she was concerned the book was too stimulating for my daughter. Each time, I told her it wasn’t and said my daughter had my permission to listen until dinner. By the second or third time she brought this up, it became clear to me Ellen was the one overwhelmed by the sounds.
If she'd just stated that — “Hey, I'm getting tired of elephant noises!” — then I would have happily told my daughter to pack it up. But when I said, “Ellen, it sounds like you might be getting annoyed by the toy and prefer it be put away?” she immediately insisted, “Oh no! I just think Granddaughter doesn't like it! She thinks it's too overwhelming!” I responded, “For the last time: She plays with this all the time, and she’s not overstimulated,” but then five minutes later we were back to, “She must find that toy so noisy and confusing!”
Many, many interactions are this way, and I don’t know how to react. I want Ellen to just say what she wants, rather than hiding behind the projected emotions of her grandkids, kids or her husband. It feels ridiculous to go along with an obviously untrue story, but it also feels ridiculous to tell my mother-in-law, “Sorry, Ellen! I'm not going to make Janie put away the toy that obviously bothers you unless you admit it bothers you!” Do you have any advice for navigating these conversations?
Out With It, Please!: Accept that you won’t fix her, nor is it your place to; be proud that you now speak nearly fluent Ellen; and make choices based on what you understand to be the truth even as she refuses to tell it.
In other words, put the toy away as soon as you clock that it’s bothering Ellen.
Reader responses:
1. Re: Out With It: OMG, My mother-in-law is Ellen too! You aren’t alone. Maybe it’s a generational thing? Learning to speak fluent Ellen was a big help.
1a. Also Fluent: It is a gender-ational thing, I’d say. Girls, then women, for so long were discouraged from seeming assertive. It was as stupid, limiting, negating and dehumanizing a thing as its counterpart in boys and men — the taboo against showing emotion, lest they appear weak. I'll never understand the insistence on gender conformity (whether or not that is what explains Ellen).
2. Re: Out With It: We were in a restaurant once and I couldn’t even get my mother-in-law to decide what she wanted to order! She just said, “Oh, whatever is easier.” I realized she was incapable of “owning” her decisions. In the end, it was kinder just to say something like, “I’m ordering a hot dog, do you want one, too?” In this case, it would be kinder just to deflect the little girl into another activity so grandma could get some peace. — Deflecting
2a. Deflecting: And make a mental note to give people ample room to be themselves, so we’re not making any more new Ellens.
3. To: Out With It: Why are you letting Janie continue listening to the book when you know it bothers Ellen?
Link
One example: On a visit last week, my 3-year-old was listening to an audiobook that mimicked animal sounds. On multiple occasions, Ellen mentioned that she was concerned the book was too stimulating for my daughter. Each time, I told her it wasn’t and said my daughter had my permission to listen until dinner. By the second or third time she brought this up, it became clear to me Ellen was the one overwhelmed by the sounds.
If she'd just stated that — “Hey, I'm getting tired of elephant noises!” — then I would have happily told my daughter to pack it up. But when I said, “Ellen, it sounds like you might be getting annoyed by the toy and prefer it be put away?” she immediately insisted, “Oh no! I just think Granddaughter doesn't like it! She thinks it's too overwhelming!” I responded, “For the last time: She plays with this all the time, and she’s not overstimulated,” but then five minutes later we were back to, “She must find that toy so noisy and confusing!”
Many, many interactions are this way, and I don’t know how to react. I want Ellen to just say what she wants, rather than hiding behind the projected emotions of her grandkids, kids or her husband. It feels ridiculous to go along with an obviously untrue story, but it also feels ridiculous to tell my mother-in-law, “Sorry, Ellen! I'm not going to make Janie put away the toy that obviously bothers you unless you admit it bothers you!” Do you have any advice for navigating these conversations?
Out With It, Please!: Accept that you won’t fix her, nor is it your place to; be proud that you now speak nearly fluent Ellen; and make choices based on what you understand to be the truth even as she refuses to tell it.
In other words, put the toy away as soon as you clock that it’s bothering Ellen.
Reader responses:
1. Re: Out With It: OMG, My mother-in-law is Ellen too! You aren’t alone. Maybe it’s a generational thing? Learning to speak fluent Ellen was a big help.
1a. Also Fluent: It is a gender-ational thing, I’d say. Girls, then women, for so long were discouraged from seeming assertive. It was as stupid, limiting, negating and dehumanizing a thing as its counterpart in boys and men — the taboo against showing emotion, lest they appear weak. I'll never understand the insistence on gender conformity (whether or not that is what explains Ellen).
2. Re: Out With It: We were in a restaurant once and I couldn’t even get my mother-in-law to decide what she wanted to order! She just said, “Oh, whatever is easier.” I realized she was incapable of “owning” her decisions. In the end, it was kinder just to say something like, “I’m ordering a hot dog, do you want one, too?” In this case, it would be kinder just to deflect the little girl into another activity so grandma could get some peace. — Deflecting
2a. Deflecting: And make a mental note to give people ample room to be themselves, so we’re not making any more new Ellens.
3. To: Out With It: Why are you letting Janie continue listening to the book when you know it bothers Ellen?
Link