agonyaunt | (no subject)

Hi Carolyn! I have a 5-year-old, “Jane,” and a 2-year-old. Jane is a highly physical kid and loves to roughhouse. She also ALWAYS is chewing on things that aren’t food. There have been times recently where she has hurt herself doing something that I’ve already warned her not to do and inside I’m just screaming, “I told you so!”

Two examples in the past week: Jane is enjoying running and sliding in socks on our wood floors. I tell her she might bump into something so maybe take the socks off. She ignores me and within a minute has bumped her head and shoulder into the wall and bursts into tears. Last night she was chewing on a pen that had a little pompom on a chain. I tell her to stop or it will break. She continues chewing and somehow latches the clasp on a small gap between her teeth. It gets stuck, takes my husband and me about 10 minutes of holding her down screaming so we can unhook it.

In cases like these, I really want to say something after she calms down, like, “Honey, I give you warnings to stop something because I don’t want you to get hurt.” My husband feels like a lecture after she’s been crying isn’t going to help. Who is right?

— Natural Consequences

Natural Consequences: Funny you mention natural consequences. You are living the natural consequences of bare hardwood floors and pens with pompoms attached. You want your kids to respect verbal instructions and rules. No disagreement there. But Jane’s calamities say she doesn’t have the impulse control for that — yet!

So, to answer your question, neither of you is right, because you’re apparently both using verbal guardrails on a kid who needs real ones. Telling her the pen will break doesn’t cut it; no more such pens in the house. Like, until the mouthing stops. Serious choking hazards here. Neurology doesn’t respect your warnings. And telling her she might crash if she slides in socks may work for some 5-year-olds, but until it works for yours, either stop her from sliding (socks off, or shoes on, or redirect), accept she will crash (stash the breakables) or put down more rugs.

Highly physical, impulsive kids are fine, they’re wonderful, they grow up to rescue us and teach us and entertain us in arenas and build things and so much more — their parents just need skill sets to match their energy. It starts with eyes open. Anticipating any child beats reacting, but with kids like this, it’s your only advantage. And you’ve been reacting to Jane.

An example of anticipating is to add more exercise: the park, exploring nature, soccer, tumbling, kiddie music class, etc., whatever burns off the excess energy with supervision or guardrails. Keep ’em coming as she grows and any need persists. Keep the channels open with teachers, too, in case neuropsych testing is next.
You’re strategizing with an eye to the rest of her childhood, making a for-now plan with room for updates. She may not roughhouse at 16 but may drive too fast, for example.

Readers’ thoughts:

1. As a special-education teacher, I recommend “The Out-of-Sync Child Has Fun.” Am I saying your child has sensory processing problems? Nope! But for a child prone to taking physical risks, there are a lot of fun, safe ideas. Check it out of your local library and see.

2. Oh dear, this was absolutely me. Three dance classes a week at least made me more coordinated and graceful in my fidgeting and sliding. I would spend ages practicing time steps instead of tumbling on the living room couches. In my case, it was actual ADHD — not making any suggestions or diagnoses for Jane — but Jane’s extra energy can be focused on very positive habits if you find what works for her.

3. My son is now 21 and playing intercollegiate rugby. He has survived to adulthood, and I have had to spend time recognizing that MY anxiety was the primary issue. Chewing on choking hazards notwithstanding, kids slide, crash, tumble, tear, break, get their hearts broken, get treated badly by friends, get fired, get into car accidents and the list goes on. We cannot save them from getting hurt, but we can save them from having to deal with OUR anxiety on top of learning how to live in the world.

4. As the mom of a rambunctious child: 1. Learning he had ADHD when he was 11 wasn’t great; wish we’d known much earlier. 2. HE IS AWESOME, and I just love the surprises. (Well, most of them.)

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If LW is not already thinking about ADHD then I doubt the reader comments will help, but yeah, LW needs to be thinking about ADHD. And definitely they need to take Carolyn's advice on childproofing the house. Like, wtf.

Hard agree that while words might work when the kids are older, right now, that’s not the level they’re able to be at.

(It didn’t even occur to me that sock-sliders could end up hitting a wall, because when I did it as a kid at my best friend’s house, at about Jane’s age, I ended up with feet filled with splinters, so that’s my first thought.)

SHE IS FIVE. Saying "I told you so" doesn't work on adults, and this woman thinks it will work on her, I repeat, FIVE-YEAR-OLD.

Yeah, expecting a five year old to heed and remember verbal warnings is not happening.

Age appropriate stuff is SO CRUCIAL.

*shudders at memories of a horrible dad who was once a neighbor*

- Childproof the house;

- A wide range of fidget toys/sensory toys, including safe things to chew on;

- ADHD assessment

Yeah, "five years old" seems like a sufficient explanation for this behavior. If you don't want her chewing on the pen with small decorations, take it away from her.

yes to all this

Y'know, actual natural consequences are, like, you do something risky and sometimes you get hurt. Adding a guilt-trip from your mom on top of it is mean.

They're lucky she hasn't yet tried sliding in her socks WHILE chewing on a pompon pen.

I like this advice columnist. Good broadband advice for working constructively with the kid as well as keeping an eye on any neuropsych details that might need further addressing.

An awful lot of people writing to advice columns seem loathe to engage in even the barest mimimum of parenting that involves something a child might not be thrilled at, and that this is essential with younger children. Yet the consequences that ensue are much more upsetting. Take the pen away from Jane. Maybe she'll be annoyed! Tough, she can learn to deal with it. But she won't spend 10 mins screaming. It is ok to not be constantly affirming a young child's decisions. It is your job not to!

"I tell her she might bump into something so maybe take the socks off."

Like, what even is this? If this is all you're going to do or say, don't be surprised that she didn't take your advice.

I'm surprised no one suggested providing Jane with safe chewable items. I (old, no children) only know about them because a friend shopped for such for her four-year-old twins, but they seem like such a useful thing.

Even if I loved the friend who told me this story, I would laugh pretty hard. You told? A five-year-old? To stop doing a fun thing? And kid didn't stop??? You are surprised? LOLOL

This is not the first recent story I've seen about parents who are very reluctant to accept that THEY are now the adult in the room...

Right? As an adult I am not always great at making the choice to stop doing [fun thing] in favour of [sensible option], but I can at recognise the choice. Jane is 5! Forbid sliding in the house. Actually parent her!

She didn't even tell her to stop! She just vaguely advised her that it might be a good idea!

And, sure, I often advised instead of forbidding when the kids were little. I didn't want to get into actual fights with preschoolers, and I *really* didn't want them to do the thing anyway and then laugh about how I was wrong and it was totally safe. I wanted my "no" to have a real impact.

But if you don't actually tell the child to stop, or at least advise them in a less wishy-washy way, then you can't be surprised when they fail to stop doing the thing.

Carolyn is pretty reliable.