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Dear Good Job,
I work as a speech therapist. At a family gathering, I noticed my cousin’s near 4-year-old could only say a few words and beg and point for items they wanted. They could only say “juice” or “Pad” and would cry if any other relative tried to engage them in conversation. I asked my aunt if this was normal behavior for the child, and she said yes but that she wasn’t concerned. At nearly 4, a child should be using full sentences of at least three or more words. It is a missed milestone and early intervention is key.
I checked the local school district, and they offer free screenings and testing that my cousin’s child would qualify for. I went to my aunt and suggested that, in my professional opinion, her grandchild might benefit from speech therapy or at least testing to make sure it wasn’t some other underlying problem. It was completely free and I sent her the info. I didn’t go directly to my cousin because I know some parents can be thin-skinned and defensive when it comes to advice from licensed professionals. I had parents rage at teachers for suggesting their kids need glasses because they can’t see the board.
Well, for my troubles, my cousin sent me an awful and barely coherent text telling me I was a busybody; because I don’t have kids, my opinion is worthless; and she is a mother, so she knows all, and especially what is best for her child, who is perfect. I left it alone after that. The problem is that two years later, the child started kindergarten and was diagnosed with a severe speech impediment, and the rationed therapy the school gives hasn’t really helped. My cousin had to enroll her child with a private therapist that her insurance doesn’t cover and it is pretty pricey. I know all this through the grapevine.
Then, at a family event, my aunt and cousin went off on my poor mother about how awful and selfish I am for not volunteering and helping in their hour of need. I never told anyone about the text since I didn’t want drama, but I kept it. Frankly, I am furious. I tried to help, and I thought I was respectful enough by just going to my aunt with the free resources that were available to my cousin. I didn’t press, preach, or accuse. But now, at this late date, they think publicly blaming me and dragging my poor mother into it will work? I am ready to go to war and I have the receipts, should I?
—Not Holding My Tongue
Dear Not Holding My Tongue,
I’m sorry your relatives blew up at you when you respectfully shared your expertise, and then blew up again (through your mom) for not fixing their problems. It sounds like they’re upset about the child’s developmental delays and are turning their fear and guilt into rage and blame. It’s tempting, of course, to go to war, but it will be more satisfying (and better for the child) if you remain calm and kind.
Your cousin may not even remember the text. It sounds like she and your aunt have some problems with reality, the most problematic of which was denying the child’s speech delay. They may have intentionally suppressed the memory of how they treated you a few years ago, possibly out of shame that you were right about the child’s needs and they were wrong. And it’s sadly common for people to assume their family members will donate labor (just ask the poor daycare worker who gets handed niblings with dirty diapers every time she visits her family).
If you haven’t told your mother about your efforts to help the family a few years ago and how your cousin replied, tell her now so she knows you tried. Your mother might still be rattled from the encounter at the family event and want to talk through it. She also has a longer history with your aunt (who I assume is her sister?) and might help you understand why she and your cousin are being so hostile.
To make the next family gathering more pleasant, and to help this child, I suggest untangling the lines of communication. Rather than going through your aunt to give a message to your cousin, and to prevent them from getting to you through your mother, ask to speak directly to your cousin. Don’t volunteer to be a free therapist, but offer to share your expertise with speech impediments to help your cousin cope. Tell her you know it’s a scary diagnosis, but she’s doing the right thing for her child by hiring a therapist. Tell her you’d be happy to answer questions about the treatment and goals of speech therapy. Give her some hope that the child will make progress, and encourage her to be patient and attentive (which are obviously not her natural strengths). She may stay hostile, but your reassurance might get through anyway and help her be a better parent. If other family members ask about the conflict, shake your head sadly and say you tried to help.
Link
I work as a speech therapist. At a family gathering, I noticed my cousin’s near 4-year-old could only say a few words and beg and point for items they wanted. They could only say “juice” or “Pad” and would cry if any other relative tried to engage them in conversation. I asked my aunt if this was normal behavior for the child, and she said yes but that she wasn’t concerned. At nearly 4, a child should be using full sentences of at least three or more words. It is a missed milestone and early intervention is key.
I checked the local school district, and they offer free screenings and testing that my cousin’s child would qualify for. I went to my aunt and suggested that, in my professional opinion, her grandchild might benefit from speech therapy or at least testing to make sure it wasn’t some other underlying problem. It was completely free and I sent her the info. I didn’t go directly to my cousin because I know some parents can be thin-skinned and defensive when it comes to advice from licensed professionals. I had parents rage at teachers for suggesting their kids need glasses because they can’t see the board.
Well, for my troubles, my cousin sent me an awful and barely coherent text telling me I was a busybody; because I don’t have kids, my opinion is worthless; and she is a mother, so she knows all, and especially what is best for her child, who is perfect. I left it alone after that. The problem is that two years later, the child started kindergarten and was diagnosed with a severe speech impediment, and the rationed therapy the school gives hasn’t really helped. My cousin had to enroll her child with a private therapist that her insurance doesn’t cover and it is pretty pricey. I know all this through the grapevine.
Then, at a family event, my aunt and cousin went off on my poor mother about how awful and selfish I am for not volunteering and helping in their hour of need. I never told anyone about the text since I didn’t want drama, but I kept it. Frankly, I am furious. I tried to help, and I thought I was respectful enough by just going to my aunt with the free resources that were available to my cousin. I didn’t press, preach, or accuse. But now, at this late date, they think publicly blaming me and dragging my poor mother into it will work? I am ready to go to war and I have the receipts, should I?
—Not Holding My Tongue
Dear Not Holding My Tongue,
I’m sorry your relatives blew up at you when you respectfully shared your expertise, and then blew up again (through your mom) for not fixing their problems. It sounds like they’re upset about the child’s developmental delays and are turning their fear and guilt into rage and blame. It’s tempting, of course, to go to war, but it will be more satisfying (and better for the child) if you remain calm and kind.
Your cousin may not even remember the text. It sounds like she and your aunt have some problems with reality, the most problematic of which was denying the child’s speech delay. They may have intentionally suppressed the memory of how they treated you a few years ago, possibly out of shame that you were right about the child’s needs and they were wrong. And it’s sadly common for people to assume their family members will donate labor (just ask the poor daycare worker who gets handed niblings with dirty diapers every time she visits her family).
If you haven’t told your mother about your efforts to help the family a few years ago and how your cousin replied, tell her now so she knows you tried. Your mother might still be rattled from the encounter at the family event and want to talk through it. She also has a longer history with your aunt (who I assume is her sister?) and might help you understand why she and your cousin are being so hostile.
To make the next family gathering more pleasant, and to help this child, I suggest untangling the lines of communication. Rather than going through your aunt to give a message to your cousin, and to prevent them from getting to you through your mother, ask to speak directly to your cousin. Don’t volunteer to be a free therapist, but offer to share your expertise with speech impediments to help your cousin cope. Tell her you know it’s a scary diagnosis, but she’s doing the right thing for her child by hiring a therapist. Tell her you’d be happy to answer questions about the treatment and goals of speech therapy. Give her some hope that the child will make progress, and encourage her to be patient and attentive (which are obviously not her natural strengths). She may stay hostile, but your reassurance might get through anyway and help her be a better parent. If other family members ask about the conflict, shake your head sadly and say you tried to help.
Link