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Dear Carolyn: My wife and I have been married 20 years, the past five full of anger and hostility.
She is highly introverted. Her happy place is deep in a book, on a solo hike, or with her sisters or her few friends. She is very content. I am not. I am lonely and feel overlooked. It has made me very angry and resentful, and I have exploded at her in anger in ways she apparently found terrifying and traumatic. I would never hurt her or our kids (older teens), but I have broken things, punched walls and screamed at her.
At her urging, I sought therapy, but reflecting on our marriage made me realize I have been unhappy, and resentful, for most of it. I don’t know if I want to be married to her. I try to do nice things for her, but I don’t think she is capable of giving me the attention I need to feel loved. She cites her introversion, but also the angry behaviors I haven’t been able to get under control. She isn’t wrong — I do sometimes talk about harming myself or say she has ruined the marriage. But I no longer break or punch anything. I don’t understand why my efforts don’t count more.
She notes she has remained present and engaged, encouraged therapy, and responded with patience and kindness, and I need to accept she cannot erase my loneliness or suddenly become an unreserved person. She spends time with me and has encouraged me to pursue friendships and hobbies.
But it isn’t helping. I am still so angry and isolated. I know I have messed up in some ways, but I don’t understand why she can’t just work harder to make me feel like a priority.
Lonely and Resentful: Threatening self-harm means you need more help than you’re getting. Full stop.
Back to therapy; tell the truth. None of this “she apparently found” crap, either. No. Your violence terrified and traumatized your family. That is abuse, not “messed up in some ways.” Stop dodging responsibility for it.
And stop seeing therapy as a way to change your wife. Last time, you emerged resentful of her for not “mak[ing]” you happy. That’s not how it works. Having needs is valid, but they’re not invoices to others — not even to spouses. If people don’t meet our needs, then we can ask, yes, for X. But if they say no, we don’t get to take them to emotional collection and extract X by force.
Your ability to change your marriage ends where your wife’s autonomy begins. You can’t make her be someone she isn’t or do something she won’t. You can’t call it her fault and abuse her. Your wife is modeling autonomy within a marriage: giving what she is willing and able to give you, remaining true to herself within the context of your union. Whether it’s what you want is up to you. If not, then you can try to thrive on what she offers, or do without, or divorce.
You expect her to “work harder,” yet how successfully have you changed your core self?
Here’s a metaphor: Therapy showed that you’ve craved steak your entire marriage. But your marriage is a tea shop. Is your wife asking, “Why can’t he work to love tea?!” Seems not. So. Find your own honest protein sources — as your wife now nourishes herself — or embrace scones, or admit you picked wrong and leave. Don’t terrorize tea shops for being tea shops. For help mid-fury, step away and call 800-799-SAFE or 988.
Link
She is highly introverted. Her happy place is deep in a book, on a solo hike, or with her sisters or her few friends. She is very content. I am not. I am lonely and feel overlooked. It has made me very angry and resentful, and I have exploded at her in anger in ways she apparently found terrifying and traumatic. I would never hurt her or our kids (older teens), but I have broken things, punched walls and screamed at her.
At her urging, I sought therapy, but reflecting on our marriage made me realize I have been unhappy, and resentful, for most of it. I don’t know if I want to be married to her. I try to do nice things for her, but I don’t think she is capable of giving me the attention I need to feel loved. She cites her introversion, but also the angry behaviors I haven’t been able to get under control. She isn’t wrong — I do sometimes talk about harming myself or say she has ruined the marriage. But I no longer break or punch anything. I don’t understand why my efforts don’t count more.
She notes she has remained present and engaged, encouraged therapy, and responded with patience and kindness, and I need to accept she cannot erase my loneliness or suddenly become an unreserved person. She spends time with me and has encouraged me to pursue friendships and hobbies.
But it isn’t helping. I am still so angry and isolated. I know I have messed up in some ways, but I don’t understand why she can’t just work harder to make me feel like a priority.
Lonely and Resentful: Threatening self-harm means you need more help than you’re getting. Full stop.
Back to therapy; tell the truth. None of this “she apparently found” crap, either. No. Your violence terrified and traumatized your family. That is abuse, not “messed up in some ways.” Stop dodging responsibility for it.
And stop seeing therapy as a way to change your wife. Last time, you emerged resentful of her for not “mak[ing]” you happy. That’s not how it works. Having needs is valid, but they’re not invoices to others — not even to spouses. If people don’t meet our needs, then we can ask, yes, for X. But if they say no, we don’t get to take them to emotional collection and extract X by force.
Your ability to change your marriage ends where your wife’s autonomy begins. You can’t make her be someone she isn’t or do something she won’t. You can’t call it her fault and abuse her. Your wife is modeling autonomy within a marriage: giving what she is willing and able to give you, remaining true to herself within the context of your union. Whether it’s what you want is up to you. If not, then you can try to thrive on what she offers, or do without, or divorce.
You expect her to “work harder,” yet how successfully have you changed your core self?
Here’s a metaphor: Therapy showed that you’ve craved steak your entire marriage. But your marriage is a tea shop. Is your wife asking, “Why can’t he work to love tea?!” Seems not. So. Find your own honest protein sources — as your wife now nourishes herself — or embrace scones, or admit you picked wrong and leave. Don’t terrorize tea shops for being tea shops. For help mid-fury, step away and call 800-799-SAFE or 988.
Link