![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
DEAR ABBY: I am a mother of six and a grandma to four. We are a close family and enjoy each other's company. My mom is nearly 80. For reasons I could never understand, she didn't enjoy my children when they were growing up and didn't connect deeply with them. She once commented to me that she was bored with women her age because they were "obsessed" with their grandchildren and she wanted deeper conversations.
Mom moved away and would mostly visit just for holidays and birthdays. When the children tried to share things that were going on in their lives, she wasn't interested, and we eventually stopped inviting her to sports events and recitals because she seemed annoyed to be there.
Now that her grands have almost reached adulthood, my mother wants to connect with them. She texts them often and sometimes invites them to visit. They respond politely, and a couple have gone to visit her, but none seem interested in a deeper relationship. This bothers her, and she has been asking me to pressure them to visit her and include her in their lives more. But to them, she is a distant relative. They don't feel close to her.
What is my responsibility now? I wish they had a closer relationship with my mom, but I feel awkward telling busy young adults they must plan trips to visit someone who didn't try to establish relationships with them when they were young. Any advice? -- TORN DAUGHTER IN WASHINGTON
DEAR DAUGHTER: Your only responsibility is to remind your mother of the truth. When it was time to establish a relationship with her grandchildren, she chose to be absent. Then explain that pressuring them to include her in their lives after she excluded them from hers won't have the desired effect because that ship sailed a long time ago.
Link
Mom moved away and would mostly visit just for holidays and birthdays. When the children tried to share things that were going on in their lives, she wasn't interested, and we eventually stopped inviting her to sports events and recitals because she seemed annoyed to be there.
Now that her grands have almost reached adulthood, my mother wants to connect with them. She texts them often and sometimes invites them to visit. They respond politely, and a couple have gone to visit her, but none seem interested in a deeper relationship. This bothers her, and she has been asking me to pressure them to visit her and include her in their lives more. But to them, she is a distant relative. They don't feel close to her.
What is my responsibility now? I wish they had a closer relationship with my mom, but I feel awkward telling busy young adults they must plan trips to visit someone who didn't try to establish relationships with them when they were young. Any advice? -- TORN DAUGHTER IN WASHINGTON
DEAR DAUGHTER: Your only responsibility is to remind your mother of the truth. When it was time to establish a relationship with her grandchildren, she chose to be absent. Then explain that pressuring them to include her in their lives after she excluded them from hers won't have the desired effect because that ship sailed a long time ago.
Link
Thoughts
However, I note that some people just aren't good with kids, and that's okay. Sometimes it can be an advantage, where teens or new adults will connect with a relative who doesn't see them as little children from having helped raise them. But it depends on the kids whether that appeals to them.
I would ask, what can she do for them? If there are practical benefits not just social ones, if she can meet a need of theirs, it might make establishing a relationship with her more attractive to them.