![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Dear Care and Feeding,
My wife, “Minerva,” and I have a 6-year-old son, “Blaine.”
When Blaine was just under 1, Minerva and I began to have issues getting along. I started an affair with “Wendy,” Minerva’s sister. Less than a year into the affair, Wendy ended up pregnant and had a son, “Cameron.” She told everyone she conceived through a sperm donor.
The affair lasted another two years, when we decided we both could not continue on with it.
The boys are close and love spending time together. The trouble is that as they have gotten older, they are resembling each other more and more—and they both look like me.
Luckily Blaine is blond like his mother, which makes it slightly less obvious, though not much. Lately Wendy and I have been taking steps to try and keep them apart, or at least have them see each other for playdates and outings without Minerva present.
However, we know we can’t keep this up. Wendy suggested that should could request a transfer to another state through work. We both agreed that would be the best thing, even if I don’t get to see my younger son grow up.
Would there ever be an appropriate time to confess the truth to my wife, or is this one of those things you take to your grave? Minerva and I have managed to repair our relationship in the last couple of years, and I don’t want to jeopardize that.
—No Such Thing as the Best of Both Worlds
Dear No Such Thing,
Yikes, man. They are brothers. It’s her sister. You would separate brothers and sisters to cover up your own transgressions? Just come clean. Living with big lies like this is a waste of time. They always come out eventually, and time will only make you both look more deceitful. Why not fess up now so you can begin repairing the multiple relationships involved and maybe save a few?
A white lie is one that doesn’t hurt people, but making your wife’s sister move to another town with your own son to save the marriage that you jeopardized in the first place is definitely hurting people. Separating two kids who might otherwise form an amazing, lasting bond is hurting people. Grow up and fess up.
If your wife breaks up with you and disowns her own sister, that’s up to her, but at least she’ll be partially responsible for the broken relationships instead of being left wondering why her own sister and nephew fled town. You’ve shown tremendous disrespect for your wife by lying to her, and you’re continuing to disrespect her by proposing to continue lying to her while her sister skips town with her nephew in order to purposefully see her less often. If Minerva ever wishes aloud that she saw her sister and nephew more often, are you just going to say, “Oh boy yeah, that sucks,” and continue living this lie? It’s not right.
The appropriate time to confess is now. Here’s how I’d approach the conversation: If the boys already look alike, she has to be a little suspicious already. Has she ever said anything? If she has, tell her that she was right. Make her feel validated in her suspicions. Tell her that the only thing stopping you from saying something earlier was exactly what you wrote—that you didn’t want to jeopardize your repaired relationship. Tell her you realize now this was selfish and wrong. And sure, tell her you want to stay together. But also be clear that you want to do what’s in the best interest of the kids to make sure their relationship can blossom. It will probably feel strange not to be thinking only of yourself, but give it a go. (For the kids!)
You and Wendy did this together, so you may want to consider approaching Minerva together to let her know. She may feel ganged up on, but it may also help her to have it all out in one conversation where she can spread the blame to both of you. She’ll also know that you’re both telling the same story. If you approach her alone, I think it’s likely that you’ll chicken out or blame Wendy.
Also, I know this is hindsight, but I just have to say that sleeping with your sister-in-law is a totally uncreative, lazy, loser, boneheaded move. If you’re going to have an affair, cast a wider net and get off the family tree. Preferably a different orchard altogether.
—Greg
Link
My wife, “Minerva,” and I have a 6-year-old son, “Blaine.”
When Blaine was just under 1, Minerva and I began to have issues getting along. I started an affair with “Wendy,” Minerva’s sister. Less than a year into the affair, Wendy ended up pregnant and had a son, “Cameron.” She told everyone she conceived through a sperm donor.
The affair lasted another two years, when we decided we both could not continue on with it.
The boys are close and love spending time together. The trouble is that as they have gotten older, they are resembling each other more and more—and they both look like me.
Luckily Blaine is blond like his mother, which makes it slightly less obvious, though not much. Lately Wendy and I have been taking steps to try and keep them apart, or at least have them see each other for playdates and outings without Minerva present.
However, we know we can’t keep this up. Wendy suggested that should could request a transfer to another state through work. We both agreed that would be the best thing, even if I don’t get to see my younger son grow up.
Would there ever be an appropriate time to confess the truth to my wife, or is this one of those things you take to your grave? Minerva and I have managed to repair our relationship in the last couple of years, and I don’t want to jeopardize that.
—No Such Thing as the Best of Both Worlds
Dear No Such Thing,
Yikes, man. They are brothers. It’s her sister. You would separate brothers and sisters to cover up your own transgressions? Just come clean. Living with big lies like this is a waste of time. They always come out eventually, and time will only make you both look more deceitful. Why not fess up now so you can begin repairing the multiple relationships involved and maybe save a few?
A white lie is one that doesn’t hurt people, but making your wife’s sister move to another town with your own son to save the marriage that you jeopardized in the first place is definitely hurting people. Separating two kids who might otherwise form an amazing, lasting bond is hurting people. Grow up and fess up.
If your wife breaks up with you and disowns her own sister, that’s up to her, but at least she’ll be partially responsible for the broken relationships instead of being left wondering why her own sister and nephew fled town. You’ve shown tremendous disrespect for your wife by lying to her, and you’re continuing to disrespect her by proposing to continue lying to her while her sister skips town with her nephew in order to purposefully see her less often. If Minerva ever wishes aloud that she saw her sister and nephew more often, are you just going to say, “Oh boy yeah, that sucks,” and continue living this lie? It’s not right.
The appropriate time to confess is now. Here’s how I’d approach the conversation: If the boys already look alike, she has to be a little suspicious already. Has she ever said anything? If she has, tell her that she was right. Make her feel validated in her suspicions. Tell her that the only thing stopping you from saying something earlier was exactly what you wrote—that you didn’t want to jeopardize your repaired relationship. Tell her you realize now this was selfish and wrong. And sure, tell her you want to stay together. But also be clear that you want to do what’s in the best interest of the kids to make sure their relationship can blossom. It will probably feel strange not to be thinking only of yourself, but give it a go. (For the kids!)
You and Wendy did this together, so you may want to consider approaching Minerva together to let her know. She may feel ganged up on, but it may also help her to have it all out in one conversation where she can spread the blame to both of you. She’ll also know that you’re both telling the same story. If you approach her alone, I think it’s likely that you’ll chicken out or blame Wendy.
Also, I know this is hindsight, but I just have to say that sleeping with your sister-in-law is a totally uncreative, lazy, loser, boneheaded move. If you’re going to have an affair, cast a wider net and get off the family tree. Preferably a different orchard altogether.
—Greg
Link