agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Eric: My husband and I have been estranged from our 17-year-old granddaughter for eight years. We were loving, supportive grandparents but after the mother of our granddaughter broke up with our son, the father, she stopped our granddaughter from seeing us as well.

For eight years, I have tried to keep contact with our granddaughter with gifts and cards on her birthday, Christmas and other times. I do not receive a response of any kind from her. We believe her mother forbids her from contacting us.

My question is should I continue to send cards and gifts to her? I’m ready to stop. I don’t want her to forget us but I’m very tired of attempting to reach out to her with no response.

– Estranged Gramma

Dear Gramma: Eight years is a long time to go with no response. I’m sorry; I know that’s hard. If you’re ready to stop – or modify this practice – I think it’s OK to do so. Sending cards and gifts hasn’t had the desired effect thus far and if it’s just contributing to your grief and sense of loss, it might be best to take a pause.

Consider, however, that your granddaughter is about to be a legal adult and therefore will be able to make different choices about who gets to contact her. And also consider that the gifts may have had a positive impact on her, even if they didn’t result in a closer relationship with you. There are a lot of unknowns. As such, don’t feel obligated to keep up a tradition that’s wearing you down.

You might, for instance, take a few years off, and then reach out with a letter asking if she’s open to reconnecting. You’ll have to respect whatever she chooses, but there are other paths forward. They’ll just take a little more time.

Link

Threaded | Flat

LW kinda suggests that Mean Mom is cruelly keeping her and Son from speaking to Granddaughter for no reason, but what she doesn't say is what the hell her son did.

Most people do not want to cut a child off from their other parent for no reason. Even if it's absolutely in the best interests of the kid, it can be very difficult to get the courts to agree. So either he is the absolute fucking worst or he actively is choosing not to have any contact with them - or, third option, he and Mom both agreed to cut Grandma out of the loop.

One, two, three, in all of those situations I completely understand why LW is not being allowed contact with Granddaughter. She might not think it's very fair, but if I had to cut off all contact from my ex for my well-being, I would think twice before continuing a close relationship with his mom.

I’m not sure why the LW would decide to stop sending CARDS to a minor child, given that the granddaughter may not have the ability to respond easily, being under 18 and living at home.

Seriously, if you’re upset about not hearing back about the gifts, just send a birthday and holiday card, with the understanding that you may not hear back.

Since the child herself has not indicated that she doesn’t want to hear from the grandparents, my charitable assumption would be that she either may not be getting the cards/gifts passed on to her, or that she may not be allowed to respond, because her mother is enforcing the lack of contact.

It may well be that the child is unaware of the cards/gifts. When my step-mom left my dad, I was in college and writing to my decade younger step-sister regularly. She stopped replying, and when I did get a letter from her, she said that her mom had been keeping my letters from her and one day she got the mail first.

And, I totally agree that there are probably good reasons to avoid contact with that grandma.

Why in the world would you stop when the kid is 17? Cards and gifts aren't that much effort per year; you can at least wait until the grandchild is old enough you can assume the lack of contact is their decision.

It makes me suspect that the relationship with the grandchild isn't really the point.

LW, keep sending cards, and do your best to keep sending cards after she moves out, too, if you can do it without being creepy about it. I had a cousin in this situation (and no, we don't know why my uncle was cut off, neither he nor my cousin ever talked about it to the wider family) but her aunts and uncles made the effort to at least send Christmas cards and the family reunion invite when they had an address. It meant that when my cousin's mother also lost contact with her and she was in a really bad situation, she knew she still had people she could contact for help who still cared. (And it wasn't a "Mom is the villain" situation even then - Mom was in a really bad place too.)

She's never been as close as the rest of the family and never really worked things out with her dad, though they eventually spoke sometimes and she was able to be POA when he was very sick; don't expect it to be the way it was and definitely don't pressure her for that. But yes, unless she contacts you to ask you to stop, keep the door open to her, of course!

Edited 2025-06-11 16:18 (UTC)