I get the feeling that these people make their own problems....

[conuly]

1. Dear Annie: I'm a brokenhearted Nana who could really use your advice.

I have a 10-month-old grandson whom I adore, but I'm not allowed to kiss him -- not even on the back of his head. Recently, in a moment of pure affection, I forgot and gently kissed the back of his head. It was instinctual. I love him so much, it just happened.

The reaction was swift and harsh. I was scolded and now I'm not allowed to hold him unless he's sitting on my lap, facing away from me. To make matters worse, I'm only allowed to see him every other weekend for two hours, and someone has to be in the room to supervise me the entire time.

I've tried to talk to my son about it, but any attempt leads to an argument or a shutdown. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells just to be near my grandson, and my heart is breaking.

Is there anything I can do in this situation? I feel so lost. -- Heartbroken Nana

Dear Heartbroken: I can feel the love and the pain in your letter. This situation sounds heartbreaking, but it's rooted in something more than just that one kiss. Many new parents today have firm boundaries, often tied to health concerns or parenting philosophies. Right or wrong, it's their call.

For now, the best way to stay close is to respect the rules, as hard as they feel. Show your love through gentle presence, patience and consistency. In time, as trust rebuilds and your grandson grows, the restrictions may ease. Let your son know you're willing to follow their rules because your priority is staying in your grandson's life. Your love is clear. Let that be your guide.

Link one

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2. Dear Annie: I've been dating a wonderful man for five years, and for the most part, our relationship is strong and loving. We don't live together, so we typically see each other just a couple of times a week, with more time together when we go on vacation. That time feels precious to me. But lately, I've found myself increasingly frustrated, and I'm not sure how to bring it up without sounding jealous or petty.

The issue is his 30-year-old son, who calls or texts him constantly, even when we're on vacation. It's not about emergencies -- just frequent check-ins or casual conversations that end up interrupting our time together. I understand and respect the bond between a father and son, but I can't help feeling like a third wheel when we're supposed to be enjoying quality time as a couple.

I don't want to compete for attention, and I certainly don't want to damage their relationship. I just wish my partner could create some boundaries during our time together so we can stay focused on each other.

How can I bring this up in a way that's honest but kind, and without sounding like I'm being unreasonable? -- Feeling Overlooked

Dear Feeling Overlooked: You are not being unreasonable. You are simply asking for quality time in a relationship where time together is limited. That is not jealousy. That is emotional honesty.

It is clear your partner has a close bond with his son, and that is something to appreciate. A father who stays connected to his adult child is often someone with a strong sense of loyalty and care. The issue here is not the son reaching out. It is the lack of boundaries around when and how your partner responds, especially during your shared time.

Healthy boundaries do not weaken relationships. They strengthen them. They help everyone feel respected and valued. Right now, your needs are being unintentionally sidelined. It is perfectly fair to say, "I really value our time together, and it would mean a lot if we could unplug a bit during holidays so we can truly connect."

This does not mean shutting his son out. It means carving out space for your relationship to thrive. If your partner understands and loves you, he will want to find that balance, too.

Link two

Comments

[conuly]

1. There are two ways to understand this. The first, which LW clearly intends, is that the parents are utterly unreasonable and cruel and she can't possibly follow this arcane rule.

The second, which I think may be a little bit more likely, is that the baby has a serious health concern, LW absolutely knows it, LW has also been undermining the parents every way she can since forever, and if she keeps it up they'll ban her from visiting entirely.

Either way, the way forward is to follow their rules and smile.

2. Don't compete with your partner's child, you won't win. If these phone calls and texts really are unreasonably frequent - which we don't know, because LW was not at all clear on the frequency! - then LW will most likely need to find a new sweetie, because Boyfriend is not, at this point, going to ask Son to stop.

Alternatively, if "calls and texts constantly" means "this takes up perhaps 10 minutes of the day, total, between the hours of 9am and 8pm" then LW needs to get a grip. It's not a crime for a man to want to keep in touch with his dad.

(But it's fair, either way, to ask that the phone stays off during dates - not vacations! dates! - and dinners.)

[melannen]

I wonder, LW 2, if your problem is so much that Son is constantly in contact with his father - as that you aren't.

You don't state it outright so it's hard to say but it feels like there's kind of a subtext here that you feel like you aren't getting as much time with your partner as you want to, and you resent that the son can have as much time as he wants. Even if that's not what you're feeling, I wonder if it would help if you did have more casual checkins yourself. Do you feel like you can text or call him whenever just to chat? Do you ever do that? How does he respond if you do? Have you ever talked about that part of it?

He'd almost certainly be more receptive to "I like our life now but sometimes on the days we don't see each other I feel disconnected, so I'd like to call more and know you'll be happy to chat" than "I feel like I'm always a third-wheel to your son, please stop answering his calls".

[princessofgeeks]

Letter #1.... I have a strong feeling that this is totally the tip of a very ugly iceberg. And without knowing more, my sympathy is trending toward the parents and away from Nana.

Letter #2.... I have no sympathy for this letter writer at all. Sorry. Glad I'm not the advice columnist in this case.

[redbird]

OK, this isn't even "they won't talk to me about this"--it's that she "tried to talk to her son about it, but any attempt leads to an argument." GIven that, I suspect that (a) she knows damned well why she's not allowed to kiss her grandchild, but thinks the parents are being unreasonable, and (b) that "tried to talk" was long on "but why?!" and demanding that they change the rules, and short on anything like an apology. A real apology, not "I'm sorry you're upset, but what I did was only natural, so you shouldn't be upset."

[ashbet]

1) LW1 was told not to do a thing.

2) "I love him so much, it just happened."

3) LW1: "Whyyyyyy am I experiencing consequences for doing the thing that I was told not to do???"

I also wonder whether LW1 has oral herpes (my brother and I were not allowed to kiss my Dad on the face because he had it, and that's probably the reason why I have managed to avoid ever coming up positive!)

Also, with Covid (and various other childhood diseases making a resurgence because of antivaxxers), I can understand making a rule that other adults can't kiss the baby, who doesn't have a fully-formed immune system yet.

[ethelmay]

I will just say that WITHOUT the context that LW1 is obviously overstepping boundaries, I do think a kiss on the back of the head is unlikely to transmit any germs in a way that matters. That is, not more than just having the child on your lap (and hence breathing on them) would do. But that one tiny justifiable point does not make their story add up in their favor.

[torachan]

As someone who used to hang out with a friend who was just always on her phone chatting to other people while we were supposed to be hanging out, so that I was just sitting there doing nothing (this was pre-smart phone, just regular cell phone calls), I very much sympathize with LW2. It sounds like their partner is that way with his son, and I don't think it's asking too much to have the person you're hanging out with (whether a friend or partner) not constantly ignoring you in order to chat with someone else.

[jadelennox]

I'm fascinated that everyone went to disease with LW1. Because of the extremely limited and supervised time, I actually assumed a history of sexual abuse.