(no subject)

[conuly]

DEAR ABBY: I see a psychiatrist and psychologist for generalized anxiety disorder, major depression disorder and borderline personality disorder. According to my doctors, my psychiatric disorders are a result of the 44 years of abuse I received from my mother, as well as the abuse she allowed others to inflict on me.

Her physical abuse stopped when I fought back at 17. When I was 18, it was the last time her precious prince of a son raised his fist to me because I told him I'd press charges and have him arrested. The sexual abuse had stopped when I was 12, and I realized she'd known what had been happening the whole time. It also ended my wanting a relationship with my mother, but her emotional abuse continued until she died in 2013.

I am being told that, because she's dead, I should just let it go. My siblings backed her because they wanted to be in Mommy's good graces. After years of hatred and abuse, I believed the only family I had were my own two children, but even they are cold to me now. They scold me -- "Your mother's dead. Get over it." How do I explain that when abuse starts before a child can walk, you DON'T just "get over it"? -- BLEEDING HEART IN OHIO

DEAR BLEEDING HEART: I am so sorry for the unrelenting trauma you experienced. Your children may mean well, but they are clueless about what the effects of physical, emotional and sexual abuse can be. I'm not sure your children will ever fully understand why you can't forgive what your mother and siblings did to you without the help of a family therapist, if you can convince your children to accompany you.

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Comments

[joyeuce]

How do you find family quickly though? I'd have thought it would have to be a relationship that developed over a long time before it got to the found family stage.

[melannen]

You can't do it quickly, but you gotta start somewhere.

[conuly]

In LW's case, I'd ask their therapist to recommend a support group for people who suffered from child abuse. That'll at least give them a sympathetic audience while they also go out in the world and make friends in the more usual way.

[matsushima]

That was my thought, too. There is an appropriate way to tell your children that you were abused as a child - and, like melannen said, there was a real safety reason to do it when Grandma was still alive - but getting emotional validation/support isn't it. (It could arguably be a kind of emotional abuse!)

I think LW needs a support group for adult survivors of child abuse and maybe like a knitting circle or baking class, etc? Something to get out thee and make friends and widen their support circle naturally over time.