I remember a white friend once describing that when she hung out with a group of IBPOC friends, they were venting about white people and she felt very awkward. I told her that she should feel incredibly lucky if they do that around her, because they’d only risk including her in that if they trust her enough to think she isn’t going to get defensive and throw a white-people tantrum about it.
That reframe - that being included in those discussions is a mark of trust and appreciation - helped her feel a whole lot better about it, and after that, being present for those discussions made her feel included rather than awkward. We personally don’t have to become hit dogs hollering just because a lot of people in our demographic category act like dogs, and life is better when we know and take on what we’ve done (once we know, we should fix our poor behavior) and don’t take on responsibility for what we haven’t done.
If the poor white folks LW wants to defend aren’t Trump supporters, then it’s easy to earnestly say something like, “This has been so frustrating for me because I’ve met a lot of poor white people now who hate Trump as much as we do, but they constantly get lumped in with all the white MAGAs. They’re getting hurt by this administration and losing access to basic services like healthcare, the support they depend on to live - they’re struggling to afford food and rent due to rising costs from the tariffs! - even though they did their best to keep Trump out of office. It’s so tough, especially when they keep getting attacked as if they’re Trump fans just because they’re poor and white. It’s like insult to injury when they’re already struggling just to survive.” If your friends are liberals, this will quietly redirect them to feeling bad for the poor; a snarky attack won’t do that.
If the poor whites she wants to defend are indeed Trump supporters (I’d argue they don’t deserve support, but w/e, this is about her), then I’d suggest focusing on the way that education has been systematically defunded in those areas, to the point where they haven’t been able to develop critical thinking skills in generations, and the ways their fears are created and weaponized by politicians and the right-wing media that their social ecosystem tells them is the only trustworthy media. Come at it from an angle of the fact that they’ve been raised in and continue to live in a shared delusion, and you’re not sure how society fixes the problem when a large group of people are being kept in an alternate subjective reality.
As for BF, just make sure he knows not to take it personally, and don’t act like a hit dog hollering. Make sure he understands that being included is a sign of trust. If he’s cool, they’ll accept him pretty quick.
ETA: This comment double-posted for some reason, so I deleted the first comment; it was exactly the same as this one (other than not having an ETA).
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That reframe - that being included in those discussions is a mark of trust and appreciation - helped her feel a whole lot better about it, and after that, being present for those discussions made her feel included rather than awkward. We personally don’t have to become hit dogs hollering just because a lot of people in our demographic category act like dogs, and life is better when we know and take on what we’ve done (once we know, we should fix our poor behavior) and don’t take on responsibility for what we haven’t done.
If the poor white folks LW wants to defend aren’t Trump supporters, then it’s easy to earnestly say something like, “This has been so frustrating for me because I’ve met a lot of poor white people now who hate Trump as much as we do, but they constantly get lumped in with all the white MAGAs. They’re getting hurt by this administration and losing access to basic services like healthcare, the support they depend on to live - they’re struggling to afford food and rent due to rising costs from the tariffs! - even though they did their best to keep Trump out of office. It’s so tough, especially when they keep getting attacked as if they’re Trump fans just because they’re poor and white. It’s like insult to injury when they’re already struggling just to survive.” If your friends are liberals, this will quietly redirect them to feeling bad for the poor; a snarky attack won’t do that.
If the poor whites she wants to defend are indeed Trump supporters (I’d argue they don’t deserve support, but w/e, this is about her), then I’d suggest focusing on the way that education has been systematically defunded in those areas, to the point where they haven’t been able to develop critical thinking skills in generations, and the ways their fears are created and weaponized by politicians and the right-wing media that their social ecosystem tells them is the only trustworthy media. Come at it from an angle of the fact that they’ve been raised in and continue to live in a shared delusion, and you’re not sure how society fixes the problem when a large group of people are being kept in an alternate subjective reality.
As for BF, just make sure he knows not to take it personally, and don’t act like a hit dog hollering. Make sure he understands that being included is a sign of trust. If he’s cool, they’ll accept him pretty quick.
ETA: This comment double-posted for some reason, so I deleted the first comment; it was exactly the same as this one (other than not having an ETA).