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agonyaunt2025-05-30 09:55 am
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2025-05-30 09:55 am
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Dear Prudence: Help! I Left My Ex Because He Didn’t Want Children.
Now I’m Pregnant With His Baby.
My relationship ended because although we were still in love, we were at an impasse where children were concerned: He had gone from “maybe” wanting them to 100 percent committed to living child-free. I have always wanted to be a mother, so we split amicably and I moved back to where I’m from on the other side of the world. I discovered I’m pregnant two weeks ago and am feeling conflicted. It’s definitely his as I haven’t been with anyone else in years. I want the baby, and I have a big community of family and friends around me to help. Am I obligated to inform him, knowing he doesn’t want children? What would co-parenting even look like with an ocean between us? It almost seems kinder not to tell him, but it seems immoral. I’m also afraid he will be angry or suggest I did it on purpose. Is there a way to tell him and also assure him that he need have no part in it, that he is under no obligation and I would even prefer he were not involved, without being a dick about it?
It is, I think, a good idea to tell your ex you’re going to have a child. Even if he doesn’t like the information, and even if the conversation is profoundly uncomfortable, at the very least you will be practicing for the many uncomfortable conversations you will have to have as a parent. Sure, there’s a way to tell him you’re pregnant and you also don’t intend to turn to him for emotional or financial support, or require his services as a co-parent. You just told me beautifully, and I think when you inform him you should say exactly what you said to me. He may get angry, which is fine. Having reproductive-style sex generally allows for the possibility of pregnancy, even with birth control; he can’t exactly get mad at you without also blaming himself. (Well, he can, and people do all the time, but he shouldn’t.) The silver lining is that both of you appear to be on the same page—neither of you want or expect him to be involved in this baby’s life. It may be possible for you two to arrive at a mutually satisfactory custody agreement together that spells out his non-involvement in your child’s life, which would likely bring you no little piece of mind in the future. —Danny M. Lavery
My relationship ended because although we were still in love, we were at an impasse where children were concerned: He had gone from “maybe” wanting them to 100 percent committed to living child-free. I have always wanted to be a mother, so we split amicably and I moved back to where I’m from on the other side of the world. I discovered I’m pregnant two weeks ago and am feeling conflicted. It’s definitely his as I haven’t been with anyone else in years. I want the baby, and I have a big community of family and friends around me to help. Am I obligated to inform him, knowing he doesn’t want children? What would co-parenting even look like with an ocean between us? It almost seems kinder not to tell him, but it seems immoral. I’m also afraid he will be angry or suggest I did it on purpose. Is there a way to tell him and also assure him that he need have no part in it, that he is under no obligation and I would even prefer he were not involved, without being a dick about it?
It is, I think, a good idea to tell your ex you’re going to have a child. Even if he doesn’t like the information, and even if the conversation is profoundly uncomfortable, at the very least you will be practicing for the many uncomfortable conversations you will have to have as a parent. Sure, there’s a way to tell him you’re pregnant and you also don’t intend to turn to him for emotional or financial support, or require his services as a co-parent. You just told me beautifully, and I think when you inform him you should say exactly what you said to me. He may get angry, which is fine. Having reproductive-style sex generally allows for the possibility of pregnancy, even with birth control; he can’t exactly get mad at you without also blaming himself. (Well, he can, and people do all the time, but he shouldn’t.) The silver lining is that both of you appear to be on the same page—neither of you want or expect him to be involved in this baby’s life. It may be possible for you two to arrive at a mutually satisfactory custody agreement together that spells out his non-involvement in your child’s life, which would likely bring you no little piece of mind in the future. —Danny M. Lavery