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Two similar letters, originally posted years apart
1. Dear Carolyn: My mom basically despises my boyfriend, “Tom,” because he didn’t graduate from college and works a blue-collar job. She is so rude to him, we can’t even be around her. She defends this by saying that looking at us together makes her feel disgusted, she can’t help how she feels, and she’s being as nice as she can given the intensity of her feelings. Tom actually cried after our last dinner with my parents.
Tom and I are 24, are independently financially stable and have lived together for six months — another source of my mother’s angst, but I suspect if I were “shacking up” with a more “eligible” bachelor, she would deal just fine. Although I am beyond furious at her treatment of Tom, I don’t want to lose her. Our relationship no longer resembles the mother-daughter bond we used to have. I’m also scared about what this is doing to my parents’ marriage. My dad is saying things to her in a tone I’ve never heard before — telling her that her behavior is unacceptable, that she needs to stop. She just gets defensive and yells at him. I don’t want my relationship to be their undoing.
I love Tom and could see us getting engaged in a year or two. However, I’m actually thinking about breaking up with him over this, although I know evil shouldn’t triumph. But I feel like he’s on one side, and on the other side is my relationship with my mom AND my parents’ relationship AND the potential to have it all if I meet a college-educated suitor. (I feel like a horrible person saying this.)
Mom vs. Boyfriend: Wow. You just made countless adult children grateful for their parents’ passive aggression and subterfuge, since now they see the alternative.
I’ll start with the (relatively) easy part: You’re not responsible for your parents’ marriage. You didn’t cause their rift; you’re merely the topic. The cause is the difference between their beliefs that this topic laid bare. It was there before Tom, and it will remain if Tom goes away.
As for your bond with Mom, you can no more go back to the “before” picture than your dad can. You can’t break up with knowledge, and your family bonds hereafter will reflect what this situation has taught you, about yourselves and about each other. So don’t leave Tom to solve your family problems; leave only if it solves your Tom problems.
In that little throwaway line at the end, you admit you’ve toyed with the idea that you can do better than Tom. As difficult as it will be, you need to decide whether that’s your voice or your mother’s — and somehow tune out her vacation from her senses. Specifically, you need to stop thinking in terms of whether “evil” should or shouldn’t “triumph.” In this case, “good” shouldn’t triumph, either: Resisting Mom’s pressure on principle would be just as much of a mistake as caving in to it.
Principle makes this about your mom, and she’s nothing but a terrible distraction from the important process of figuring out whether you and Tom really fit. Principle also won’t keep your conversations with Tom going 20 years from now; compatibility will, and commonality, and affection, respect and trust. Be patient, please, and see if that’s what you have in Tom.
Link one
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2. Dear Annie: I am a 26-year-old woman deeply in love with someone my parents can't stand. He's not what they envisioned for me; he's rough around the edges, has tattoos, rides a motorcycle and works with his hands for a living. My parents like clean-cut, college-educated types in suits, and he's the complete opposite.
Yes, he has a bit of a "bad boy" past. He's made some mistakes in his younger years -- got into trouble, partied too hard, even had a brush with the law. But that was years ago. Since then, he's turned his life around. He's steady, loyal, hardworking, and treats me with more respect and care than anyone I've ever dated.
Despite all that, my parents won't give him a chance. They're polite when he's around, but I can tell they're just waiting for me to wake up and realize he's "not good enough." They constantly drop hints about finding someone "more suitable" or "more stable," and it's starting to wear me down. I feel caught in the middle -- between a man I love and parents I don't want to disappoint.
I'm not blind to his flaws, but I believe in the man he is now. How do I move forward when the people I've always looked to for support can't accept the person I've chosen? Am I being naive for thinking love is enough, or are my parents judging him unfairly? -- Torn Between Love and Loyalty
Dear Torn: It is hard to be in love with someone your parents do not approve of, especially when you have always valued their support. Your heart is clearly in this relationship, and you are trying to balance love with family expectations.
You have acknowledged your boyfriend's past and seem proud of the man he is today. That matters. People grow and change. If he is now kind, respectful and steady, that speaks volumes. Your parents may still be seeing who he was, not who he is.
Have an open, honest conversation with them. Share what you see in him, not to convince them, but to help them understand. If he continues to show up with maturity, they may come around.
At the end of the day, this is your life. Love does not always come in the package parents expect, but that does not make it any less real. Trust yourself and take things one step at a time.
Link two
Tom and I are 24, are independently financially stable and have lived together for six months — another source of my mother’s angst, but I suspect if I were “shacking up” with a more “eligible” bachelor, she would deal just fine. Although I am beyond furious at her treatment of Tom, I don’t want to lose her. Our relationship no longer resembles the mother-daughter bond we used to have. I’m also scared about what this is doing to my parents’ marriage. My dad is saying things to her in a tone I’ve never heard before — telling her that her behavior is unacceptable, that she needs to stop. She just gets defensive and yells at him. I don’t want my relationship to be their undoing.
I love Tom and could see us getting engaged in a year or two. However, I’m actually thinking about breaking up with him over this, although I know evil shouldn’t triumph. But I feel like he’s on one side, and on the other side is my relationship with my mom AND my parents’ relationship AND the potential to have it all if I meet a college-educated suitor. (I feel like a horrible person saying this.)
Mom vs. Boyfriend: Wow. You just made countless adult children grateful for their parents’ passive aggression and subterfuge, since now they see the alternative.
I’ll start with the (relatively) easy part: You’re not responsible for your parents’ marriage. You didn’t cause their rift; you’re merely the topic. The cause is the difference between their beliefs that this topic laid bare. It was there before Tom, and it will remain if Tom goes away.
As for your bond with Mom, you can no more go back to the “before” picture than your dad can. You can’t break up with knowledge, and your family bonds hereafter will reflect what this situation has taught you, about yourselves and about each other. So don’t leave Tom to solve your family problems; leave only if it solves your Tom problems.
In that little throwaway line at the end, you admit you’ve toyed with the idea that you can do better than Tom. As difficult as it will be, you need to decide whether that’s your voice or your mother’s — and somehow tune out her vacation from her senses. Specifically, you need to stop thinking in terms of whether “evil” should or shouldn’t “triumph.” In this case, “good” shouldn’t triumph, either: Resisting Mom’s pressure on principle would be just as much of a mistake as caving in to it.
Principle makes this about your mom, and she’s nothing but a terrible distraction from the important process of figuring out whether you and Tom really fit. Principle also won’t keep your conversations with Tom going 20 years from now; compatibility will, and commonality, and affection, respect and trust. Be patient, please, and see if that’s what you have in Tom.
Link one
2. Dear Annie: I am a 26-year-old woman deeply in love with someone my parents can't stand. He's not what they envisioned for me; he's rough around the edges, has tattoos, rides a motorcycle and works with his hands for a living. My parents like clean-cut, college-educated types in suits, and he's the complete opposite.
Yes, he has a bit of a "bad boy" past. He's made some mistakes in his younger years -- got into trouble, partied too hard, even had a brush with the law. But that was years ago. Since then, he's turned his life around. He's steady, loyal, hardworking, and treats me with more respect and care than anyone I've ever dated.
Despite all that, my parents won't give him a chance. They're polite when he's around, but I can tell they're just waiting for me to wake up and realize he's "not good enough." They constantly drop hints about finding someone "more suitable" or "more stable," and it's starting to wear me down. I feel caught in the middle -- between a man I love and parents I don't want to disappoint.
I'm not blind to his flaws, but I believe in the man he is now. How do I move forward when the people I've always looked to for support can't accept the person I've chosen? Am I being naive for thinking love is enough, or are my parents judging him unfairly? -- Torn Between Love and Loyalty
Dear Torn: It is hard to be in love with someone your parents do not approve of, especially when you have always valued their support. Your heart is clearly in this relationship, and you are trying to balance love with family expectations.
You have acknowledged your boyfriend's past and seem proud of the man he is today. That matters. People grow and change. If he is now kind, respectful and steady, that speaks volumes. Your parents may still be seeing who he was, not who he is.
Have an open, honest conversation with them. Share what you see in him, not to convince them, but to help them understand. If he continues to show up with maturity, they may come around.
At the end of the day, this is your life. Love does not always come in the package parents expect, but that does not make it any less real. Trust yourself and take things one step at a time.
Link two