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Meddling parents and inlaws
1. Dear Eric: We are retired grandparents to 7-year-old twins who live close by. We are delighted to help with kiddo chauffeuring, grocery shopping or anything else needed by two very hard-working parents.
Today after dropping off groceries, my wife noted that the refrigerator, in her opinion, had an unpleasant odor and was very quick to share her opinion with my son-in-law. She is also rather critical of many of his habits. And her opinions are not without merit. But my mother always said, "less said, better mended."
When I say to my wife, "too much mother-in-law," I catch hell.
I think something has to be said to mend this or should I just go back to my corner?
– Too Many Opinions
Dear Opinions: It’s a shame we can’t get rich off of people adding their two cents. But since no bank will accept opinions as currency, some change is warranted here.
Your son-in-law has to manage his relationship with you and your wife, so if he’s feeling chafed by her opinions, he’s got to learn how to say something. You’ve told your wife what you think. Now it’s fine to back off.
However, if you feel something needs to be mended in the larger relationship, it’s fine to talk it through with both members of the couple but loop your wife in first. This way it doesn’t seem to her like you’re talking behind her back.
It’s perfectly reasonable to say, “I’m uncomfortable with the way our relationship is playing out with our son-in-law. I’m going to talk to both of them about ways that they can feel better supported. You can come along if you want, but this is just for listening and for learning.” Sometimes we just need to be heard and understood. And, who knows – maybe they don’t notice the comments and just appreciate your help.
Link one
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2. DEAR ABBY: I lost my daughter to cancer five years ago. She was only 36. She left behind a husband and three children, ages 3, 5 and 7. While my daughter and her husband worked, I was their "nanny granny" five days a week. I would also take them overnight on weekends. More often than not, I had more waking hours with my grands than their parents did. We were extremely close and bonded.
After my daughter passed, my son-in-law asked me to move in to help. I was in a position to do so, and it went OK the first year. Then some cracks began to show, and we ended up having a huge fight over money (though it wasn't REALLY about money). After I said some horrible things about him on Facebook, he took the grands away from me. It has been two years, and I have begged his forgiveness to no avail. What can I do? -- MISSING THEM IN MARYLAND
DEAR MISSING THEM: You wrote that "cracks began to show." I wish you had mentioned what that huge fight was "really" about because I might have been able to answer your question about how to patch things up more fully. As it stands, all I can suggest is to continue apologizing to your former son-in-law and continue sending gifts to your grandchildren on their birthdays and at Christmas so they will know they have a grandmother who exists and cares about them.
Link two
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3. DEAR ABBY: I have a full-time job and am in pretty good health. I have one son, "Brian," who is married and has three children. My problem is that my son is often rude to me. I was a single mom who raised him on my own. I thought I was a pretty good mother. His wife is super sensitive to any comment I make and finds fault with almost anything I do. They spend a lot of time with her family and exclude me.
If I make a comment about Brian's wife, he gets mad and calls me hateful or rude. I have been good to both of them, helping in any way I can, yet they do not take that into consideration. Brian and I get into arguments over this. Sometimes I have gone overboard and told him he needs to figure out what his problem is with me. He never tells me why he behaves like this. They don't visit me or bring the children over. They say they are busy, but they always find time to visit her family, their cousins, etc.
Must I give up on having any kind of relationship with them? I love my son and would like to be a part of his life, but I don't think I should accept him being critical of me all the time no matter what I do. If I try to talk objectively with his wife, she says I'm trying to start something. Please help. -- HEARTBROKEN IN GEORGIA
DEAR HEARTBROKEN: I'll try. Assume control of your life and quit looking for crumbs from your son and his wife! Doing otherwise has brought you only pain and disappointment. Recognize that however you raised your son, you did the best you could under difficult circumstances.
Your daughter-in-law seems to have taken control of your son, and he has allowed it. Sadly, it's not unusual. When you see or talk to them, exchange nothing but pleasantries. Concentrate your energies on your friendships and other aspects of your life. This may save you from additional grief and be more rewarding than continuing to hit your head against a brick wall.
Link three
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4. DEAR HARRIETTE: My family and I are gearing up for our annual family vacation. My oldest child is in a relationship and has been badgering me about wanting to bring his girlfriend. I would prefer not to bring her along on an intimate weeklong trip because I feel that her clothing can be rather revealing, and she doesn't seem shy about PDA. I have two much younger children, and I don't think they need to be exposed to that on their summer getaway. Besides, I don't plan to pay for some sort of couples' trip while the rest of us are trying to catch up and bond.
I shared my stance with my son and explained that it's OK for some things to be family-only, and he's now refusing to join us unless I extend an invitation to his girlfriend. My son is already away at college, so his younger siblings really cherish the time they spend with him on these vacations. I'm torn here. Are my concerns unreasonable? -- Vacation Ultimatum
DEAR VACATION ULTIMATUM: Your concerns are valid, but you need to look at the big picture. Talk to your son -- and his girlfriend, if possible. Make it clear that she is welcome if she can dress and behave appropriately for a G-rated audience. That means no skimpy clothing and no overt PDA. Tell them that you get to set the parameters for the trip as it is your family trip. If they are unwilling to comply, she cannot come -- even if that means your family misses out on quality time.
Link four
Today after dropping off groceries, my wife noted that the refrigerator, in her opinion, had an unpleasant odor and was very quick to share her opinion with my son-in-law. She is also rather critical of many of his habits. And her opinions are not without merit. But my mother always said, "less said, better mended."
When I say to my wife, "too much mother-in-law," I catch hell.
I think something has to be said to mend this or should I just go back to my corner?
– Too Many Opinions
Dear Opinions: It’s a shame we can’t get rich off of people adding their two cents. But since no bank will accept opinions as currency, some change is warranted here.
Your son-in-law has to manage his relationship with you and your wife, so if he’s feeling chafed by her opinions, he’s got to learn how to say something. You’ve told your wife what you think. Now it’s fine to back off.
However, if you feel something needs to be mended in the larger relationship, it’s fine to talk it through with both members of the couple but loop your wife in first. This way it doesn’t seem to her like you’re talking behind her back.
It’s perfectly reasonable to say, “I’m uncomfortable with the way our relationship is playing out with our son-in-law. I’m going to talk to both of them about ways that they can feel better supported. You can come along if you want, but this is just for listening and for learning.” Sometimes we just need to be heard and understood. And, who knows – maybe they don’t notice the comments and just appreciate your help.
Link one
2. DEAR ABBY: I lost my daughter to cancer five years ago. She was only 36. She left behind a husband and three children, ages 3, 5 and 7. While my daughter and her husband worked, I was their "nanny granny" five days a week. I would also take them overnight on weekends. More often than not, I had more waking hours with my grands than their parents did. We were extremely close and bonded.
After my daughter passed, my son-in-law asked me to move in to help. I was in a position to do so, and it went OK the first year. Then some cracks began to show, and we ended up having a huge fight over money (though it wasn't REALLY about money). After I said some horrible things about him on Facebook, he took the grands away from me. It has been two years, and I have begged his forgiveness to no avail. What can I do? -- MISSING THEM IN MARYLAND
DEAR MISSING THEM: You wrote that "cracks began to show." I wish you had mentioned what that huge fight was "really" about because I might have been able to answer your question about how to patch things up more fully. As it stands, all I can suggest is to continue apologizing to your former son-in-law and continue sending gifts to your grandchildren on their birthdays and at Christmas so they will know they have a grandmother who exists and cares about them.
Link two
3. DEAR ABBY: I have a full-time job and am in pretty good health. I have one son, "Brian," who is married and has three children. My problem is that my son is often rude to me. I was a single mom who raised him on my own. I thought I was a pretty good mother. His wife is super sensitive to any comment I make and finds fault with almost anything I do. They spend a lot of time with her family and exclude me.
If I make a comment about Brian's wife, he gets mad and calls me hateful or rude. I have been good to both of them, helping in any way I can, yet they do not take that into consideration. Brian and I get into arguments over this. Sometimes I have gone overboard and told him he needs to figure out what his problem is with me. He never tells me why he behaves like this. They don't visit me or bring the children over. They say they are busy, but they always find time to visit her family, their cousins, etc.
Must I give up on having any kind of relationship with them? I love my son and would like to be a part of his life, but I don't think I should accept him being critical of me all the time no matter what I do. If I try to talk objectively with his wife, she says I'm trying to start something. Please help. -- HEARTBROKEN IN GEORGIA
DEAR HEARTBROKEN: I'll try. Assume control of your life and quit looking for crumbs from your son and his wife! Doing otherwise has brought you only pain and disappointment. Recognize that however you raised your son, you did the best you could under difficult circumstances.
Your daughter-in-law seems to have taken control of your son, and he has allowed it. Sadly, it's not unusual. When you see or talk to them, exchange nothing but pleasantries. Concentrate your energies on your friendships and other aspects of your life. This may save you from additional grief and be more rewarding than continuing to hit your head against a brick wall.
Link three
4. DEAR HARRIETTE: My family and I are gearing up for our annual family vacation. My oldest child is in a relationship and has been badgering me about wanting to bring his girlfriend. I would prefer not to bring her along on an intimate weeklong trip because I feel that her clothing can be rather revealing, and she doesn't seem shy about PDA. I have two much younger children, and I don't think they need to be exposed to that on their summer getaway. Besides, I don't plan to pay for some sort of couples' trip while the rest of us are trying to catch up and bond.
I shared my stance with my son and explained that it's OK for some things to be family-only, and he's now refusing to join us unless I extend an invitation to his girlfriend. My son is already away at college, so his younger siblings really cherish the time they spend with him on these vacations. I'm torn here. Are my concerns unreasonable? -- Vacation Ultimatum
DEAR VACATION ULTIMATUM: Your concerns are valid, but you need to look at the big picture. Talk to your son -- and his girlfriend, if possible. Make it clear that she is welcome if she can dress and behave appropriately for a G-rated audience. That means no skimpy clothing and no overt PDA. Tell them that you get to set the parameters for the trip as it is your family trip. If they are unwilling to comply, she cannot come -- even if that means your family misses out on quality time.
Link four
no subject
My honest suggestion to her is to STOP MAKING COMMENTS, because they are clearly coming across as passive-aggressive, negative, and critical.
Focus on her own life, yes, but also put some serious effort into being pleasant, cooperative, and non-judgmental toward her son and his wife, if she wants to have more than a superficial relationship with them.
***
LW4 caused me to make the type of stink-face that my cat does -- whether or not their son's girlfriend is scandalously dressed/behaved, I have a strong feeling that their attitude about it is extremely out of touch and pearl-clutching.
Unless they want to end up as LW3, where the son/DIL/grandkids don't want to spend time with them, I suggest drinking a tall glass of STFU, and taking a big step back from being judgy about their son's partner.
Also, is the PDA completely one-sided (unlikely), or is their son participating? If so, why solely blame the girlfriend?
I predict that if GF does come along, LW4 will then proceed to have a hissyfit about them sharing a room ;P
no subject
The whole thing about adults making a fuss about other adults sharing a room is so... *eye roll*
straight out of the 1950s.