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One column, so many terrible choices
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1. I married my husband three years ago. My husband’s sister and her husband adopted their 9-year-old daughter, “Lila,” shortly after she was born. They also have a biological son who is a few years older. They’ve chosen not to tell Lila that she was adopted—a decision my husband and I strongly disagree with, but there’s nothing I can do about it.
Lila is a bright and curious child with a deep love for animals and science. She and I have bonded over both, and I’ve become her closest aunt. She devours science books, especially those about genetics, and lately, she’s been asking me questions that make my heart stop. She wants to know why she has so many traits that aren’t shared with her brother, her parents, or anyone else in her family—why she’s the only left-handed person, the only one with blue eyes, the only one with a squint, the only one who’s shorter than average height, and so on. She’s clearly putting the puzzle pieces together. I’m not sure how to talk to her or to her parents about this.
—Troubled Aunt
Dear Aunt,
While I agree that telling parents how to raise their children almost never goes well, your sister-in-law and her husband are making a terrible mistake. Adoptions often used to be kept secret, it’s true, but there has been consensus for some time that adopted children should be told they are adopted. Experts advise that this absence of secrecy begin immediately upon adoption and that the conversation remain ongoing. It’s hard for me to believe that Lila’s parents don’t know this, but for starters, you might make sure they do. The person who broaches this with them should be someone very close to them and whom they utterly trust: Is your husband that person? How about his and his sister’s parents? Or one of the couple’s friends? Look around and see if you can identify the right person in their closest circle, and approach them with your concerns.
If there is no one, then I think you’ll need to step up yourself. You might begin by gently asking Lila’s parents if they’ve thought about what they’ll say if Lila asks them directly if she is adopted—and telling them about the questions she’s been asking you. I would point them to some resources (this article from the National Council for Adoption might be a place to start). It’s possible they believe that keeping her adoption a secret from her is protecting her from pain; they need to know that precisely the opposite is true, and that the sooner they disclose the truth to their daughter, the better. It will only get harder as time passes. Mention (cautiously) that keeping a secret of this kind “forever” will require flat-out lying, and that eventually, even if no one tells her, Lila is likely to discover the truth. Will she forgive her parents for lying to her? Are they willing to risk that she won’t forgive them? You’re right that you can’t force them to tell her. But you (or someone better suited to the task) owe it to Lila to try to persuade them to act in their child’s best interest.
As to Lila’s questions: When she says, “Isn’t it weird that everyone in my family except me is tall/has curly hair/is musical, athletic, or a math whiz?” or, “How did I end up with brown eyes when both my parents have blue eyes?” I’d stick to answering, “That’s a good question!” And if it comes to, “Auntie, was I adopted?” the only response I recommend is, “That’s a question for your parents.”
***************
2. Dear Care and Feeding,
My mother-in-law, “Lane,” has taken a normal toddler thing and blown it into the stratosphere. My husband and I have 3-year-old twins, “Olivia” and “Harold.” On Saturday, Lane picked them up for a trip to the park to be followed by lunch at McDonald’s to give my husband and me some much-needed alone time. Harold has been going through a phase lately where all he wants from McDonald’s are McNuggets, so I told her to keep that in mind when they ordered lunch.
When Lane brought the kids back, I could tell Harold had been crying and asked her if something had happened. She gave him a stern look and said that “someone” had misbehaved—had refused to eat the cheeseburger she’d ordered for him for lunch, and that next time she planned a fun outing, only Olivia would be invited to go with her. I reminded her of what I had told her earlier, and her dismissive response was, “Adults decide what children eat, and they eat it.” She called Harold “ungrateful” and said I was allowing him to “rule the house” before she turned on her heel and left. My husband quickly followed her outside. When he returned, he said it would be best to give her some time to cool down. He explained that his mother’s parents grew up just after the Great Depression and instilled in her and her siblings that wasting food was one of the worst things imaginable.
I’m not interested in her excuses. Lane was told about Harold’s eating habits, and the entire thing could have been avoided if she had just listened to me instead of going her own way. And this isn’t the first time she’s ignored my instructions when it comes to the kids. As far as I’m concerned, Harold doesn’t deserve to be excluded over something that wasn’t his fault. Frankly, I’m not sure I want to let her take the kids on her own for the foreseeable future. I have asked my husband to set some ground rules for his mother since she refuses to listen to me, but he’s afraid of upsetting her. How can I make him grow a pair when it comes to dealing with his mother?
—Fast Food Fiasco
Dear Fiasco,
You can’t make him “grow a pair,” I’m afraid—he’d have to do that all on his own. But that doesn’t and shouldn’t stop you from letting your mother-in-law know that 1) she cannot take one of your children on a fun outing and exclude the other; 2) she is not to dole out punishment to either of your children without your permission, as she is not their parent; 3) if you and she differ about how children should be treated (for example, your way of handling matters of food/eating versus hers), you’re the one whose rules govern. If she cannot accept this latter proviso, your children cannot be left alone with her. I realize that this will inconvenience you: You will have to find a sitter you can trust, or you’ll give up some of that much-needed alone time. I also realize that your mother-in-law will be furious about all of this. So what? You’re the twins’ mother, not her. You call the shots. Your husband should be doing a better job supporting you, but his fear of “upsetting” her is not your problem, it’s his.
Notice that I am not weighing in here on “who’s right” about Harold and his nuggets or cheeseburger—you or Grandma. You didn’t ask me for a ruling on that. But I will tell you that I myself was a go-with-the-flow-when-it-comes-to-food mother, so while I am not officially taking sides … I’m with you, Mom.
********
3. Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband and I are expecting a daughter at the end of August, and we couldn’t be more thrilled. What I am not thrilled about is that his mother, “Helena,” has been after me to give her a family name that I detest. We have already chosen a name, but she refuses to lay off and in fact is becoming increasingly persistent as my due date gets closer. When I told my husband how fed up I was getting, he proposed that we tell her we’ve decided to go with the name from her side of the family after all—and then, when our daughter is born, we simply go with the name we’ve chosen. She’ll just have to deal with it, he says.
Personally, I think he’s trying to avoid putting his foot down with his mother, but if it gets her to shut up, I’m desperate enough to go for it. And an evil little part of me does find it appealing, considering how she’s been driving me up the wall ever since we told her I was pregnant. This wouldn’t be such a terrible thing to do, would it?
—The Joke’s Gonna be on Her
It’s not so much that it would be a terrible thing to do, it’s that it’s a ludicrous thing to do. While it would get her off your back now, what do you imagine will happen later? Do you think she’ll just let this go when you break the news to her? In fact, employing this strategy will result in more misery, longer-term, for you, while providing you with only the most temporary relief. Like Food Fiasco, you have to step up where your husband—that chicken—won’t. (By the way, do you think he will be the one to tell her what your daughter’s name actually is once she’s born, or will he leave that to you?)
If he won’t tell his mother to stop pushing for the name she wants your child to have, and won’t make it clear to her that naming your child is his and your decision entirely, then you’ll have to do it yourself. She’ll be mad. But she’ll get over it. Or she won’t—and that’ll be her problem. But if you put off the reckoning until after the birth, once Grandma has gotten her hopes up and no doubt told everyone she knows, it’s going to be much, much worse.
1. I married my husband three years ago. My husband’s sister and her husband adopted their 9-year-old daughter, “Lila,” shortly after she was born. They also have a biological son who is a few years older. They’ve chosen not to tell Lila that she was adopted—a decision my husband and I strongly disagree with, but there’s nothing I can do about it.
Lila is a bright and curious child with a deep love for animals and science. She and I have bonded over both, and I’ve become her closest aunt. She devours science books, especially those about genetics, and lately, she’s been asking me questions that make my heart stop. She wants to know why she has so many traits that aren’t shared with her brother, her parents, or anyone else in her family—why she’s the only left-handed person, the only one with blue eyes, the only one with a squint, the only one who’s shorter than average height, and so on. She’s clearly putting the puzzle pieces together. I’m not sure how to talk to her or to her parents about this.
—Troubled Aunt
Dear Aunt,
While I agree that telling parents how to raise their children almost never goes well, your sister-in-law and her husband are making a terrible mistake. Adoptions often used to be kept secret, it’s true, but there has been consensus for some time that adopted children should be told they are adopted. Experts advise that this absence of secrecy begin immediately upon adoption and that the conversation remain ongoing. It’s hard for me to believe that Lila’s parents don’t know this, but for starters, you might make sure they do. The person who broaches this with them should be someone very close to them and whom they utterly trust: Is your husband that person? How about his and his sister’s parents? Or one of the couple’s friends? Look around and see if you can identify the right person in their closest circle, and approach them with your concerns.
If there is no one, then I think you’ll need to step up yourself. You might begin by gently asking Lila’s parents if they’ve thought about what they’ll say if Lila asks them directly if she is adopted—and telling them about the questions she’s been asking you. I would point them to some resources (this article from the National Council for Adoption might be a place to start). It’s possible they believe that keeping her adoption a secret from her is protecting her from pain; they need to know that precisely the opposite is true, and that the sooner they disclose the truth to their daughter, the better. It will only get harder as time passes. Mention (cautiously) that keeping a secret of this kind “forever” will require flat-out lying, and that eventually, even if no one tells her, Lila is likely to discover the truth. Will she forgive her parents for lying to her? Are they willing to risk that she won’t forgive them? You’re right that you can’t force them to tell her. But you (or someone better suited to the task) owe it to Lila to try to persuade them to act in their child’s best interest.
As to Lila’s questions: When she says, “Isn’t it weird that everyone in my family except me is tall/has curly hair/is musical, athletic, or a math whiz?” or, “How did I end up with brown eyes when both my parents have blue eyes?” I’d stick to answering, “That’s a good question!” And if it comes to, “Auntie, was I adopted?” the only response I recommend is, “That’s a question for your parents.”
2. Dear Care and Feeding,
My mother-in-law, “Lane,” has taken a normal toddler thing and blown it into the stratosphere. My husband and I have 3-year-old twins, “Olivia” and “Harold.” On Saturday, Lane picked them up for a trip to the park to be followed by lunch at McDonald’s to give my husband and me some much-needed alone time. Harold has been going through a phase lately where all he wants from McDonald’s are McNuggets, so I told her to keep that in mind when they ordered lunch.
When Lane brought the kids back, I could tell Harold had been crying and asked her if something had happened. She gave him a stern look and said that “someone” had misbehaved—had refused to eat the cheeseburger she’d ordered for him for lunch, and that next time she planned a fun outing, only Olivia would be invited to go with her. I reminded her of what I had told her earlier, and her dismissive response was, “Adults decide what children eat, and they eat it.” She called Harold “ungrateful” and said I was allowing him to “rule the house” before she turned on her heel and left. My husband quickly followed her outside. When he returned, he said it would be best to give her some time to cool down. He explained that his mother’s parents grew up just after the Great Depression and instilled in her and her siblings that wasting food was one of the worst things imaginable.
I’m not interested in her excuses. Lane was told about Harold’s eating habits, and the entire thing could have been avoided if she had just listened to me instead of going her own way. And this isn’t the first time she’s ignored my instructions when it comes to the kids. As far as I’m concerned, Harold doesn’t deserve to be excluded over something that wasn’t his fault. Frankly, I’m not sure I want to let her take the kids on her own for the foreseeable future. I have asked my husband to set some ground rules for his mother since she refuses to listen to me, but he’s afraid of upsetting her. How can I make him grow a pair when it comes to dealing with his mother?
—Fast Food Fiasco
Dear Fiasco,
You can’t make him “grow a pair,” I’m afraid—he’d have to do that all on his own. But that doesn’t and shouldn’t stop you from letting your mother-in-law know that 1) she cannot take one of your children on a fun outing and exclude the other; 2) she is not to dole out punishment to either of your children without your permission, as she is not their parent; 3) if you and she differ about how children should be treated (for example, your way of handling matters of food/eating versus hers), you’re the one whose rules govern. If she cannot accept this latter proviso, your children cannot be left alone with her. I realize that this will inconvenience you: You will have to find a sitter you can trust, or you’ll give up some of that much-needed alone time. I also realize that your mother-in-law will be furious about all of this. So what? You’re the twins’ mother, not her. You call the shots. Your husband should be doing a better job supporting you, but his fear of “upsetting” her is not your problem, it’s his.
Notice that I am not weighing in here on “who’s right” about Harold and his nuggets or cheeseburger—you or Grandma. You didn’t ask me for a ruling on that. But I will tell you that I myself was a go-with-the-flow-when-it-comes-to-food mother, so while I am not officially taking sides … I’m with you, Mom.
3. Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband and I are expecting a daughter at the end of August, and we couldn’t be more thrilled. What I am not thrilled about is that his mother, “Helena,” has been after me to give her a family name that I detest. We have already chosen a name, but she refuses to lay off and in fact is becoming increasingly persistent as my due date gets closer. When I told my husband how fed up I was getting, he proposed that we tell her we’ve decided to go with the name from her side of the family after all—and then, when our daughter is born, we simply go with the name we’ve chosen. She’ll just have to deal with it, he says.
Personally, I think he’s trying to avoid putting his foot down with his mother, but if it gets her to shut up, I’m desperate enough to go for it. And an evil little part of me does find it appealing, considering how she’s been driving me up the wall ever since we told her I was pregnant. This wouldn’t be such a terrible thing to do, would it?
—The Joke’s Gonna be on Her
It’s not so much that it would be a terrible thing to do, it’s that it’s a ludicrous thing to do. While it would get her off your back now, what do you imagine will happen later? Do you think she’ll just let this go when you break the news to her? In fact, employing this strategy will result in more misery, longer-term, for you, while providing you with only the most temporary relief. Like Food Fiasco, you have to step up where your husband—that chicken—won’t. (By the way, do you think he will be the one to tell her what your daughter’s name actually is once she’s born, or will he leave that to you?)
If he won’t tell his mother to stop pushing for the name she wants your child to have, and won’t make it clear to her that naming your child is his and your decision entirely, then you’ll have to do it yourself. She’ll be mad. But she’ll get over it. Or she won’t—and that’ll be her problem. But if you put off the reckoning until after the birth, once Grandma has gotten her hopes up and no doubt told everyone she knows, it’s going to be much, much worse.