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Dear Prudence: What is this I don't even
Dear Prudence,
A few months ago, in order to spice up our sex lives, I persuaded my wife of four years to try swinging. I searched online and found an ordinary-looking couple I thought would suit us to begin with. We met, had dinner, went to a hotel, and swapped partners. I am a fit, fairly good-looking, well-endowed man. I was surprised and dismayed when the other man, who is older, somewhat overweight, and balding, undressed. He was way larger than me, and for two hours I had to watch him work my wife into multiple fits, screams, and moans. Since this experience (which we have not repeated), I haven't been able to look at my wife in the same way. I cannot get that night out of my mind. It's affecting my work and ability to be happy. Sometimes I feel I could just punch my wife in the face. I want a divorce. The few friends I have confided in about this say that I am being unfair, but I cannot see how I could possibly be content in my marriage ever again. Is there a way I can overcome this?
—Outgunned Husband
Dear Outgunned,
Next time you consider swinging, choose your new partners more carefully. You're looking for an advertisement that says something like, "She's svelte, stacked, and sexy. He's fat, bald, hung like a gnat, and suffering from erectile dysfunction." How sweet for your wife, whom you coerced into this, that the male member of your "ordinary couple" ended up being an oversized piston. Perhaps you watched her having the best sex of her life while neglecting your own duties. Possibly your wife was putting on something of a show just to yank your chain. Now you want to divorce her, after first giving her a sucker punch. If you feel you're actually a danger to your wife, you need to tell her and move out for her safety. You sound like quite a prize, and since you've obviously been behaving abominably since your encounter, I hope your wife has already tied up the services of the best divorce lawyer in town. However, if both of you want to salvage your marriage, you need the help of a mental health professional. You've fallen into an obsessive spiral that's destroying you. You need medication, or meditation, or some intervention to get your thoughts back on track. Whether or not your wife is willing to rebuild your marriage, you owe her an apology. Tell her that you made a dreadful mistake and you hate that you pressured her to have sex with another man. Then take a look at Aesop's fable about the tortoise and the eagle, which is a nice summary of the consequences of getting what you wished for.
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So, basically, when you say "spice up our sex lives," you meant, "spice up my sex life," and by "swinging," you meant, "I want to have sex with someone else." You, sir, are the worst nightmare of people who argue that responsible, mutually beneficial non-monogamy is possible. Actually, you're not. You don't deserve that status. You're just a garden-variety turd whose marital expectations belong in a Victorian novel.
In any event, please do get a divorce, because she certainly deserves better than you.
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"Tell her that you made a dreadful mistake and you hate that you pressured her to have sex with another man."
No. Because it's a lie. He doesn't hate that he pressured her to have sex with another man (and nowhere in the letter does it imply that he did "pressure" her; persuade ain't the same thing, and she by all accounts was quite into it). He hates that she enjoyed it.
It's deflecting blame. The problem isn't that he's unhappy with himself for wanting non-monogamy; the problem is that he's an ass.
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icon love!
Re: icon love!
She also made this one. I think she wrote it, too. She is brilliant. Her LJ icon community is
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