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Dear Care and Feeding,
My wife “Cathy” and I have two kids, “Sadie,” who is 10, and “Melody,” who is 8. Melody’s friend “Audrey” is having a birthday slumber party next month and she has been invited. Melody has type 1 diabetes and recently began using an insulin pump, which has allowed her more freedom in terms of things like eating and not having to worry about injections. Her care team has been great in teaching her how to manage it and she’s been doing really well with oversight from my wife and me.
Melody has been allowed to have friends over to our place for sleepovers, but we have never let her stay overnight at a friend’s alone before due to her condition. On prior occasions when Melody has gone to a sleepover party, she has been allowed to stay until after dinner is served (with my wife or myself present for the duration in case of an emergency) and then gone home. She has been lobbying big time to go to Audrey’s slumber party by herself and points out that we have allowed Sadie to go to sleepovers by herself since she was 7. Given how well Melody has been doing with her insulin pump, I think this would be a good opportunity for her to start having typical childhood experiences that her condition previously put limitations on.
The trouble is that Cathy is adamantly against Melody staying overnight solo. As far as she’s concerned, our previous way of doing things has worked well and she sees no reason to “fix something that isn’t broken.” I think she is missing that the whole point of getting Melody the pump was to make it possible for her to become more independent. Audrey’s parents are aware of Melody’s condition and have a nephew who is diabetic. (They were even the ones who told us how much of a difference an insulin pump made for him, which put us on the path to getting one for Melody.) They know how to provide help if she needs it and I see no reason to think our daughter would be at risk if she went on her own. Melody is becoming increasingly upset at what she refers to as her mother treating her “like a baby,” and I worry about how this will affect their relationship if Cathy continues to prevent our daughter from participating in age-appropriate experiences. What can I do to help my wife overcome her trepidation?
—She’s Not Made of Glass
Dear Glass,
If every parent followed the “let’s not fix something that isn’t broken” philosophy, all bikes would have training wheels and we’d be bathing our children well into their teen years.
The point of parenting is not protecting our kids to the detriment of all else; the point is to facilitate their growth into compassionate, independent, and capable human beings. Part of that journey is finding reasonable ways to foster children’s independence while still providing a safety net just in case. This sleepover sounds like the perfect option. The family is well acquainted with the challenges surrounding type 1 diabetes, they’ve seen the disease and treatment in action, and they’re willing to take responsibility for Melody. They’d probably also agree to periodically check in on Melody if that is what it would take to make the event successful for all the kids.
I suggest that Cathy check out How to Raise an Adult by Julie Lythcott-Haims, which presents a compelling argument for why we need to give our kids more independence and how we might go about it. And while I’m not familiar with the intricacies of managing type 1 diabetes, I do know that kids with chronic illnesses and disabilities can face challenges when it comes to reaching independence-related milestones at the same pace as their peers. Yet progressing toward more independence is as crucial—if not more—for these kids so that they can learn how to stay safe and regulated and so they can learn how to advocate for themselves.
You’ve already taken a great step forward in getting an insulin pump for Melody. Now, figure out what conditions you can put in place so that Cathy feels safe enough to let her daughter fledge a bit. Involve Melody in that conversation so that she can cultivate some agency and help with identifying a reasonable path forward. This will pay dividends, beyond those that will come from the sleepover itself.
Nobody would say this is an easy prospect, or that Cathy is being wholly unreasonable. We all want to keep our kids safe, but it’s easy to go too far. This sleepover seems like a great opportunity for your family to challenge some of those instincts. Good luck!
Link
My wife “Cathy” and I have two kids, “Sadie,” who is 10, and “Melody,” who is 8. Melody’s friend “Audrey” is having a birthday slumber party next month and she has been invited. Melody has type 1 diabetes and recently began using an insulin pump, which has allowed her more freedom in terms of things like eating and not having to worry about injections. Her care team has been great in teaching her how to manage it and she’s been doing really well with oversight from my wife and me.
Melody has been allowed to have friends over to our place for sleepovers, but we have never let her stay overnight at a friend’s alone before due to her condition. On prior occasions when Melody has gone to a sleepover party, she has been allowed to stay until after dinner is served (with my wife or myself present for the duration in case of an emergency) and then gone home. She has been lobbying big time to go to Audrey’s slumber party by herself and points out that we have allowed Sadie to go to sleepovers by herself since she was 7. Given how well Melody has been doing with her insulin pump, I think this would be a good opportunity for her to start having typical childhood experiences that her condition previously put limitations on.
The trouble is that Cathy is adamantly against Melody staying overnight solo. As far as she’s concerned, our previous way of doing things has worked well and she sees no reason to “fix something that isn’t broken.” I think she is missing that the whole point of getting Melody the pump was to make it possible for her to become more independent. Audrey’s parents are aware of Melody’s condition and have a nephew who is diabetic. (They were even the ones who told us how much of a difference an insulin pump made for him, which put us on the path to getting one for Melody.) They know how to provide help if she needs it and I see no reason to think our daughter would be at risk if she went on her own. Melody is becoming increasingly upset at what she refers to as her mother treating her “like a baby,” and I worry about how this will affect their relationship if Cathy continues to prevent our daughter from participating in age-appropriate experiences. What can I do to help my wife overcome her trepidation?
—She’s Not Made of Glass
Dear Glass,
If every parent followed the “let’s not fix something that isn’t broken” philosophy, all bikes would have training wheels and we’d be bathing our children well into their teen years.
The point of parenting is not protecting our kids to the detriment of all else; the point is to facilitate their growth into compassionate, independent, and capable human beings. Part of that journey is finding reasonable ways to foster children’s independence while still providing a safety net just in case. This sleepover sounds like the perfect option. The family is well acquainted with the challenges surrounding type 1 diabetes, they’ve seen the disease and treatment in action, and they’re willing to take responsibility for Melody. They’d probably also agree to periodically check in on Melody if that is what it would take to make the event successful for all the kids.
I suggest that Cathy check out How to Raise an Adult by Julie Lythcott-Haims, which presents a compelling argument for why we need to give our kids more independence and how we might go about it. And while I’m not familiar with the intricacies of managing type 1 diabetes, I do know that kids with chronic illnesses and disabilities can face challenges when it comes to reaching independence-related milestones at the same pace as their peers. Yet progressing toward more independence is as crucial—if not more—for these kids so that they can learn how to stay safe and regulated and so they can learn how to advocate for themselves.
You’ve already taken a great step forward in getting an insulin pump for Melody. Now, figure out what conditions you can put in place so that Cathy feels safe enough to let her daughter fledge a bit. Involve Melody in that conversation so that she can cultivate some agency and help with identifying a reasonable path forward. This will pay dividends, beyond those that will come from the sleepover itself.
Nobody would say this is an easy prospect, or that Cathy is being wholly unreasonable. We all want to keep our kids safe, but it’s easy to go too far. This sleepover seems like a great opportunity for your family to challenge some of those instincts. Good luck!
Link