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My 37-year-old daughter is getting married for a second time. It’s a church wedding and traditions are in play.
Her mother divorced me 36 years ago. I was an active and present dad, and we have a good relationship. I never missed a weekend. I went to her functions, and she vacationed with my new wife and me.
Here’s the problem: My daughter asked her stepfather to give her away. I’m assuming he will also be the one to have a father-daughter dance. This has crushed me. I didn’t say anything to her other than, “Oh, OK.” But I was devastated.
Now I don’t want to go and watch this other man (my ex and I had a foul divorce with much anger) walk my daughter down the aisle or dance with her. I know it’s not about me, but I’m hurt. I also don’t think it’ll be that crushing to her if I’m a no-show.
Am I being childish, or are my feelings justified?
From the Therapist: What I hear in your letter is the voice of a father who has worked hard to maintain a strong relationship with his daughter after a difficult divorce, and who now feels both hurt and invisible as her wedding approaches.
These traditional fatherly roles — walking the bride down the aisle, sharing a dance — can carry enormous emotional significance for some people. Perhaps for you, having your daughter’s stepfather perform these rituals feels like an erasure of your parental identity and all the years you’ve invested in being present for your daughter, as well as a referendum on your daughter’s love for you compared with her love for her stepfather.
But there’s another way to look at this.
Given that your daughter wants her stepfather’s involvement in her wedding, it sounds like he has been a warm and meaningful presence in her life. Could you step back, and appreciate him not as a rival or replacement in your daughter’s life, but as a positive addition for her? She has two present, caring men that are invested in her well-being, which for her might feel like a gift. Can you see both your fatherly roles as a collaborative investment in her life rather than as a competition?
I’m also assuming that at her first wedding, your daughter asked you to perform these roles. This second wedding allows her a bonus opportunity to honor her stepfather for the active role that he, too, has played in her life, without in any way diminishing yours. While not all stepparents form powerful connections with their stepchildren, how lucky it is for your daughter that this man made an effort. Wouldn’t you prefer this experience for your daughter to her having had a stepfather who didn’t show that level of care?
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If you can reframe the intention behind her wish not as excluding you, but as including him, you can refocus on the strength of your own father-daughter relationship. Ask yourself: Are you delighted that the daughter you love dearly has found a terrific new partner, just as you did after your first marriage ended? I imagine that you were tremendously grateful to have met your second wife, and that you feel a similar sense of gratitude on behalf of your daughter. With that in mind, how can you celebrate this occasion by reaching into your genuine sense of fatherly joy for her?
To be clear, you do have to attend the wedding — she invited you to take part in this special milestone and your absence would indeed “crush” her, casting a permanent shadow over both this day and the rest of your relationship. Skipping your daughter’s wedding would transform your hurt feelings into a story that only you are telling, one of not being wanted, or important to her, and rewrite the narrative of your relationship in ways you don’t intend.
So rather than turning yourself into a bitter, self-isolating Grinch, join the welcoming crowd of people who are coming to celebrate. In the meantime, call your daughter and say:
“I’m very excited for your wedding — I’m absolutely thrilled that you found a great partner, and one who makes you so happy. If there’s a way for me to participate that you would enjoy, whether it’s having a second father-daughter dance, or making a special toast, or helping out behind the scenes so your day goes smoothly, please let me know how I can support you. No pressure at all, just letting you know I’m here for you.”
Do not say a word about her stepfather or her choice, and don’t read anything into her response. Just sit with the knowledge that your outreach was meaningful to her, because you showed up with your love, just as you will show up to her wedding.
The truest measure of your parenting is in the consistent presence you’ve maintained throughout her life. Don’t let one reactive decision erase that legacy. The wedding day will pass, but your decision to attend despite your hurt feelings will speak volumes about your character and your willingness to be the father your daughter needs. And that, I guarantee, is what she’ll remember long after the cake has been cut and the last dance danced.
Link
Her mother divorced me 36 years ago. I was an active and present dad, and we have a good relationship. I never missed a weekend. I went to her functions, and she vacationed with my new wife and me.
Here’s the problem: My daughter asked her stepfather to give her away. I’m assuming he will also be the one to have a father-daughter dance. This has crushed me. I didn’t say anything to her other than, “Oh, OK.” But I was devastated.
Now I don’t want to go and watch this other man (my ex and I had a foul divorce with much anger) walk my daughter down the aisle or dance with her. I know it’s not about me, but I’m hurt. I also don’t think it’ll be that crushing to her if I’m a no-show.
Am I being childish, or are my feelings justified?
From the Therapist: What I hear in your letter is the voice of a father who has worked hard to maintain a strong relationship with his daughter after a difficult divorce, and who now feels both hurt and invisible as her wedding approaches.
These traditional fatherly roles — walking the bride down the aisle, sharing a dance — can carry enormous emotional significance for some people. Perhaps for you, having your daughter’s stepfather perform these rituals feels like an erasure of your parental identity and all the years you’ve invested in being present for your daughter, as well as a referendum on your daughter’s love for you compared with her love for her stepfather.
But there’s another way to look at this.
Given that your daughter wants her stepfather’s involvement in her wedding, it sounds like he has been a warm and meaningful presence in her life. Could you step back, and appreciate him not as a rival or replacement in your daughter’s life, but as a positive addition for her? She has two present, caring men that are invested in her well-being, which for her might feel like a gift. Can you see both your fatherly roles as a collaborative investment in her life rather than as a competition?
I’m also assuming that at her first wedding, your daughter asked you to perform these roles. This second wedding allows her a bonus opportunity to honor her stepfather for the active role that he, too, has played in her life, without in any way diminishing yours. While not all stepparents form powerful connections with their stepchildren, how lucky it is for your daughter that this man made an effort. Wouldn’t you prefer this experience for your daughter to her having had a stepfather who didn’t show that level of care?
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If you can reframe the intention behind her wish not as excluding you, but as including him, you can refocus on the strength of your own father-daughter relationship. Ask yourself: Are you delighted that the daughter you love dearly has found a terrific new partner, just as you did after your first marriage ended? I imagine that you were tremendously grateful to have met your second wife, and that you feel a similar sense of gratitude on behalf of your daughter. With that in mind, how can you celebrate this occasion by reaching into your genuine sense of fatherly joy for her?
To be clear, you do have to attend the wedding — she invited you to take part in this special milestone and your absence would indeed “crush” her, casting a permanent shadow over both this day and the rest of your relationship. Skipping your daughter’s wedding would transform your hurt feelings into a story that only you are telling, one of not being wanted, or important to her, and rewrite the narrative of your relationship in ways you don’t intend.
So rather than turning yourself into a bitter, self-isolating Grinch, join the welcoming crowd of people who are coming to celebrate. In the meantime, call your daughter and say:
“I’m very excited for your wedding — I’m absolutely thrilled that you found a great partner, and one who makes you so happy. If there’s a way for me to participate that you would enjoy, whether it’s having a second father-daughter dance, or making a special toast, or helping out behind the scenes so your day goes smoothly, please let me know how I can support you. No pressure at all, just letting you know I’m here for you.”
Do not say a word about her stepfather or her choice, and don’t read anything into her response. Just sit with the knowledge that your outreach was meaningful to her, because you showed up with your love, just as you will show up to her wedding.
The truest measure of your parenting is in the consistent presence you’ve maintained throughout her life. Don’t let one reactive decision erase that legacy. The wedding day will pass, but your decision to attend despite your hurt feelings will speak volumes about your character and your willingness to be the father your daughter needs. And that, I guarantee, is what she’ll remember long after the cake has been cut and the last dance danced.
Link
no subject
With that said, doing the math it looks like Daughter was born in 1989. And I get that the past is a different country and all, but even in the 1990s weekends-and-vacations was not the sort of above-and-beyond dadding that you get to boast about. "I never missed a weekend" - great, but that's basically what you're supposed to do? I don't want to snark, I'm glad he wasn't a deadbeat dad. But it's either average dadding or it's bare minimum dadding. LW isn't Superdad.
Also, weird as it is for a woman to be "given away" by a parent at the age of 37 and her second wedding, I do have to ask who, if anybody, did that job for her first wedding? Because of the answer is LW then I think, honestly, he needs to tone this down.
And finally, I cannot believe that his answer to this hurt is not "I should share my feelings in an open, honest, and essentially non-judgmental way" or "I should at least ask who's doing the father-daughter dance" or even "Well, that hurts, but I love her and I'll suck it up for her sake" but "I won't even go, that'll show her... except I bet she won't even care!"
I hope that was a momentary reaction that he unfortunately trapped in amber by writing this letter super quickly after receiving that news, because if he's been dwelling on that thought ever since... that is not okay. Your feelings are your feelings, and it's okay to feel hurt, but if he's seriously considering this action then that is a problem.
(I wonder what his wife, Daughter's Stepmom, thinks about this?)
no subject
(We did not have dancing. Both of my parents walked me down the aisle, and my husband's parents came forward to join them in a parents' blessing rather than anybody giving anybody away wtf. All this stuff is optional enough even on a first wedding. Ask. Questions. And ask them nicely! "So I suppose HE gets EVERYTHING" is not a good basis for conversation!)
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1. if a psychologist asked the bride who had provided more emotional/practical support when she was a child/teen, and the bride knew that no one else would ever hear the answer, she'd say "My stepdad";
2. another possibility: daughter actually feels closer to birth-dad, but stepdad is Difficult and will make his wife's life miserable if he doesn't get made a fuss of, so daughter is just going along with it to make her Mum's life easier.
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If I were LW's friend I could give him a cooldown hug and gently tell him he is being a bit ridiculous. I hope someone can do that for him. (I admit to being kindly disposed towards the LW because he at least gives a crap about his progeny. I know that's a very low bar for praise and yet.)
no subject
And I do feel sorry for the LW. I think it's very reasonable to be very hurt, I think most dads would be.
I think it's also implied though not outright stated that the divorce was not the LW's choice and that the stepdad was potentially an affair partner which I suspect exacerbates his feelings.
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