agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Care and Feeding,

I am seven months through a divorce process (my state requires separation for a year) where we have 50/50 custody. However, my soon-to-be-ex went out to another state a month ago to help his father through an illness, and once his father passed, he stayed on to remodel the house his father lived in to rent it. He has no idea when he’ll be back. My 8-year-old daughter is taking this very badly. She didn’t like the divorce to begin with, but even on our off weeks, we each saw her every few days. She also thrives on certainty—she wants to know what time it is and how long things take, and hearing “I don’t know when I’ll be back, maybe next week” over and over makes her angry, and that’s becoming a big problem.

Now, she’s taking that anger out on me. She has become exceedingly rude, is starting to actively flout house rules (going as far as throwing garbage on the floor instead of in the trash) and yells at me all the time. She’s in counseling and her therapist said to be firm about her tone but understanding about her anger. She’s not getting any better, no matter how many talks I have with her, how much screen time she loses, or any other consequence I can impart. She even starts her rudeness by saying, “I don’t care what you take away from me.” I’m about to lose my mind. And I’m beyond furious that my soon-to-be-ex was able to just take off with no return date and just assume I’d take on full-time parenting for the duration. What do I do?

—I Didn’t Sign on for Solo Parenting

Though it may be futile, make sure your ex knows just how much you are struggling and ask if there is any way for him to come back and relieve you of parenting duty more frequently. As far as your daughter goes, there’s no fix for this; this is a phase that you’re going to have to navigate. The best you can do is to be patient with her and with yourself as she works through these big emotions. Acknowledge what she’s going through and how hard it is on her. Let her know that you are struggling yourself. Encourage her to vent her frustrations to both you and her father; you shouldn’t be the only one to bear that load.

When your daughter acts up, point out the real reason for her misbehavior and offer her the chance to talk about it. If there are any other kids in your circles or family who have navigated a divorce, encourage her to talk with them about it. Follow your therapist’s advice and continue to be firm, no matter how flustered you may get. If you need to excuse yourself to the bathroom to calm down during one of your encounters, then do it.

Do everything you can to care for yourself during this difficult time. Prepare only meals that you enjoy. Binge a good show when your daughter goes to bed. Read during your lunch break. Take every available opportunity to prioritize your pleasure and peace of mind. Find a friend or family member that you speak to openly about your challenges. If you’re able to obtain therapy for yourself, do so.

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1. The comments are just full of people who are sure that LW will solve all their problems by talking to a lawyer, going to a judge and... doing something. None of them spell out what that something is, and I can't figure out what it's supposed to be or how it's supposed to help anything.

2. No love to the commenter who really got on LW's case for getting a divorce and thus singlehandedly ruining their daughter's life. WTF, asshole?

3. I have two pieces of advice for LW. First, they need to call up Ex and tell him to stop dicking Daughter around like this. He's not going to be back maybe next week and he knows it. He should just admit he won't be back for at least a year and then if plans change, well, everybody can be pleasantly surprised. But they won't change. He's not going to be back before March, 2026.

Secondly, I think they need to stop with consequences. Yeah, I know you want to be firm, but... if you're at the point where your kid is screaming that they don't care what you take away, you need to back down and work something else out. If she drops garbage on the floor and you don't think you can ask her to put it in the trash without starting a fight, maybe just deal with it yourself. It sucks, and it sucks, and it sucks - but the constant anger and fighting sucks too, and this stage of disrespect will pass.

I'd honestly pick exactly one method of discipline, probably a time-out as it's the most low-key thing out there, and use it only when absolutely necessary. Do not escalate things with a kid who no longer cares about getting punished, it's not going to end well.

4. As soon as you decide to have a child, you've signed up for solo parenting. Sorry. Ideally that doesn't happen, but sometimes life is awful.

Why is there no advice to COMFORT this TRAUMATIZED CHILD, rather than continuing to impose punishments on her??

I feel bad for the LW, because she’s taking the flack for her ex-husband’s behavior, but she needs to support her kid, even when her daughter is struggling and being difficult.

My guess is that the commenters you mention in point 1 are suggesting going back to the courts to get this new arrangement sanctioned, as in, "well, he's abdicated his active parenting responsibilities, can we change the agreement to reflect (a) 100% custody for the parent who has the child living with them all the time, and (b) (more?) financial support from the one who's meandered off". I know that's not really what LW wants, but if her kid does better with certainties, well, it's a sad change for her that will take adjusting to, but will make it the new normal. And a big YES to point 4.

"we each saw her every few days"

ngl, op and her ex don't actually sound like the best parents. i know that when kids act out with a parent, it's usually the one they feel safest with, but i'm getting the sense that the kid knows neither of them really want her around. op is at the end of her rope with her, and it's been a month.

Edited 2025-03-07 14:05 (UTC)

THIS THIS THIS.

When I was reading this, I got to the point where LW said they were punishing their child, and reacted by mentally going: SCREAM. SCREAM. No, no, no, LW, you're failing to understand your child's needs at this point. Daughter absolutely needs comfort and understanding here!

I mean: I know anger is an unpleasant emotion to navigate around, but there are times when anger is an appropriate reaction to an event, and her father pretty much abandoning her for months on end definitely warrants some anger! Daughter's therapist even said to be "understanding about the anger", but it sounds like LW isn't, they are just heaping consequences on their daughter, which is going to backfire badly. LW needs to allow their daughter to be angry right now, even if it IS unpleasant, and to listen and support her.

Yeah, there's no way that adding the stressor of going to court when you still aren't even officially divorced is going to help matters. Especially when it's probably easier to just talk to the dude and ask him for more money in exchange for you having more time - most custody agreements are settled out of court, and there's no need to go to court if both people are capable of talking calmly for long enough to agree on who gets the kid on which days.

Can you say more about what makes you think that from "even on our off weeks, we each saw her every few days"? It is incredibly rare to have a custody schedule where both parents see the child daily. Arranging so that they would allow each other to pop in when it was the other parent's week actually sounds like one of the more dedicated divorced parent attitudes to me.

(My closest friend who is a divorced parent set things up with his ex-wife for a 2-2-3-2-2-3 schedule over a fortnight, so that their kids are guaranteed not to go without seeing either parent for an extended time AND both parents get some weekends, but that's the first I'd heard of it, and it's a lot of logistics for the parents.)

It's the saw specifically, not the timetable. Not had, not parented. Saw, like a guest, like someone you see outside of your home. It's an incredibly detached way of describing their custody time.

Edited 2025-03-07 22:09 (UTC)

You might be right, or that might be a huge stretch.

Yes - and not only has her dad pushed off indefinitely, but her grandpa just died. Maybe they weren’t close, but we don’t know either way and it would likely be horrible and unsettling even if they weren’t.

ha, yes, those are pretty much my options :)

And maybe sharing some frustration that ex-husband is jerking them around with return times. All the parenting advice I've heard for divorces says to try and take a "yes your other parent is still correct in all his parenting decisions" tack, but at a certain point that's basically gaslighting the kid, and I think when she's to the point of acting out about it, it would be fair to say (calmly) "Yes, it's extremely frustrating that he doesn't know when he'll be done and come back, and I'm mad about it too."

And it sounds like the kid could use some acceptable physical outlets for rage. Things like making bread by hand (you can punch it as hard as you want), singing (you can get the catharsis of yelling, but it's easier on your throat and less startling to people nearby), practicing soccer or some other non-contact sports (kicking, throwing, running, stomping), or even a rage room if there's one nearby and it admits kids of her age.

Agreed all around!!

Don't trash the other parent, but you don't have to repeatedly make excuses for bad behavior -- just "I'm disappointed, too, I was hoping he'd be back when he said. But he still loves you very much."