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Some letters from Good Question
Last week
This week
1. Dear Prudence,
Three months ago, the woman who was having an affair with my husband died suddenly from an accident. I found out about the affair only two days after her funeral. I thought she was simply a co-worker and I was wondering why my husband was so disturbed and emotional. He quit his job, saying it was too traumatic to go to work. She was in the early weeks of pregnancy when she died and my husband doesn’t know whether he or her husband was the father. So, on top of everything, he’s also grieving for a baby which may or may not have been his. I find it extremely difficult to be emotionally supportive when he wakes up at 3 A.M. crying and trembling—yet I don’t have the heart to yell at him like I want to. He says she’s dead, so there’s no reason for me to feel jealous or threatened, and asks for my understanding as he grieves. We’ve barely talked these last weeks because I don’t know how to respond to my husband when he cries and says he misses her and wishes she were here, then also how much he loves me and that he never intended to leave me. I asked him to visit a marriage therapist together and he said he’s “not ready” to work on our marriage, and thinks he needs to see a grief therapist instead. Do I need to give him time to mourn the loss of his mistress? Or should I demand he focus on our marriage?
You cannot impose a schedule on someone else’s grief. So I think you should let your husband fully experience his—alone. If you are being asked to be an understanding source of solace while he mourns the loss of his mistress, a woman who was possibly the mother of his child, then that is an emotional burden that’s simply outside the bounds of what one spouse can ask of another. He’s told you flat out he can’t work on his marriage because he’s too torn up about the death of the woman he loved. So I think you should tell him to move out while you each figure out what you want out of your marriage and life. In addition, I hope he is independently wealthy, or has fantastically in-demand professional skills, because quitting his job over her death indicates he’s gone off the deep end. I can’t imagine how he’s going to explain that departure to potential employers. Of course you’re reeling over these events, so if he won’t see a counselor with you, consider going alone. And you’ve left us all wondering: Does the grieving widower have any idea what his wife was up to?
—Emily Yoffee
Link one
***
2. In December, my son attended a religious retreat away from home. When some of the high school boys were in a room alone with girls, the boys got overexcited, turned off the lights and yelled “Tickle fight!” One of the girls was touched on the shoulder, but nothing remotely sexual happened. The adviser to the group has barred the boys involved from the next retreat. But I think it’s important for them to attend and discuss what happened rather than suffer an exclusionary punishment. Excluding the boys will only make things worse for the girl: Everyone knows she is the reason the boys won’t be there. I think it would be better to have the girl explain to the boys (with adult support) why their behavior was wrong. But I can’t convince the adviser. Thoughts?
DAD
I think your love for your son is impeding your judgment. When children are at home, their parents are the arbiters of appropriate discipline. But when they go off with youth groups, for instance, those organizations assume responsibility for the welfare of all attendees. My first job was as a teacher at a Swiss boarding school. And chaperoning mixed groups of teenagers overnight was the worst: I was often the lone adult charged with preventing a dozen wily students from drinking, having sex or sneaking off at night.
So, if the retreat organizer has decided to exclude the boys who made trouble on the last trip to send a strong message about inappropriate behavior (or because of limited resources for supervision), I find that reasonable. And I disagree with much of your position: You fail to acknowledge that the episode may have been frightening for some girls, even if nothing sexual happened. You are incorrect in stating that the girl is “the reason” for the boys’ punishment; the boys’ behavior is. And no girl is responsible for explaining to teenage boys why unwanted touching is wrong. That is your job!
It sounds as if you have already made your pitch to the organization and it was rejected. So, rather than clinging to a minimizing “boys will be boys” argument, I suggest that you sit your son down to discuss the contours of appropriate behavior and the seriousness of unwanted touching.
Link two
****
3. A friend takes his new dog with him wherever he goes. My building has a strict no-pets policy. A neighbor was asked to leave once the landlord discovered her cat. Therefore, I do not want the dog coming over to visit. My friend told me that if the dog is not welcome, then he is not welcome. I don’t want to hurt his feelings, but I feel he’s being irrational. What is the best way to deal with this?
That poor dog. I’m sure if it could talk, it would say, “Dude! Can I get some privacy once in a while to just chill out and groom myself? I know I’m a highly social pack-dwelling animal and all that, but even a dog needs some ‘me time.’ Don’t you have any human friends?” And then your friend would have to confess that, in fact, his social life has been dropping off these days. And the dog would ask why, and your friend would explain that it was because he insists on bringing the dog everywhere, and the dog would say, “Are you insane? You can’t invade and dominate another human’s territory like that! That would be like me eating a bone in another dog’s bed. Respect the sanctity of others’ space, dude. I can’t believe I had to tell you that. Sheesh.” And the dog would be right, because dogs have a better natural sense of etiquette than humans do.
Sadly, however, they cannot talk. Which means that they cannot share their wisdom with us, and also that it’s up to you to stand up for yourself.
Tell your friend that you can’t risk getting evicted so that he can have his dog with him, period. This is not a judgment on his lifestyle or priorities or a valuation of your friendship. It is simply a practical matter. You’ll socialize at his house or the dog park from now on. As long as you are calm and nonconfrontational about it, you shouldn’t have to worry about hurting his feelings. If he truly expects you to risk trouble with your landlord so that he can have his dog with him, he is not the friend you thought he was.
Link three
****
4. DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband recently passed, and I sent thank-you notes to everyone who gave a monetary gift or sent flowers.
Are thank-you notes required to those who attended the wake services? I heard that a friend of a friend was offended at not receiving a thank-you.
GENTLE READER: Really? Someone thought that attending your husband's wake was a favor to you?
Miss Manners does not want to discourage letters of thanks, which are in short supply. If hosts want to write to thank their guests, she is not going to discourage them. But unlike the ordinary obligation of guests to thank their hosts, it is not necessary.
Any such expectation is particularly ugly in connection with funerary services, where the purpose is to show respect for the deceased and offer comfort to the bereaved.
Link four
****
5. Dear Pay Dirt,
My dad passed away last year and my mom is in delicate health. My dad invested well and there is enough to keep her comfortable even if she lives to 102. We don’t have a close relationship but my brother is unreliable, at best, so when she asked me to be the executor of the will I agreed.
But now that I know more about the will, I’m horrified. The will leaves a little to charity, a little to their church, and a very very little (like $100) to my brother’s young kids, and a dollar to my brother. The bulk of the estate is left to me, my family, and my children. But outside the will, my mom has verbally told me and left written instructions asking me to pay out half of “my” inheritance to my brother under the table within six months of receiving it. He apparently owes considerable child support and both my brother and my mom are convinced this will avoid garnishment. I didn’t react on the phone call with them because I was so stunned. I’m starting to question whether she’s of sound mind.
Not only is this illegal and unethical it’s also something I wouldn’t even know how to do. The cleanest thing I can think of is to give half of the inheritance to my brother, legally and with transparency. He will be subject to taxes and anything else. I assume he will be furious and that our relationship will not recover. It might seem simple on paper but I’m heartbroken by this, and worried about losing any remaining connection to my extended family.
I have no idea how to have this conversation with my mom or brother, or if I even should. My mom has always doted on my brother, and her jealous treatment of his now ex-wife seemed like a major driver in their divorce. She’s never done anything like this before, though, , and I’m worried it’s a combination of previous feelings and new cognitive problems. How do I even start here?
—Unwilling Inheritor
Dear Unwilling,
It’s understandable that you want to honor your mom’s wishes, but I think your instincts are right. Her request to give half your inheritance to your brother “under the table” to avoid child support is both illegal and unethical. As executor of the will, your job is to follow the law, and hiding assets could lead to serious legal consequences.
The best course of action? Keep everything transparent. If your brother needs financial help after your mom has passed, you can give him money, but it should be done through the proper channels —subject to taxes and whatever legal obligations exist. Given the situation here, it’s wise to consult an estate lawyer to help you make sure everything is handled correctly.
Of course, there’s also the family dynamic issue. Have an honest conversation with your mom, explain to her that you’re uncomfortable with her request because of the legal risks involved. You could suggest that she work with a lawyer to find a way to manage her estate without violating the law (or putting you in the middle of it!).
I also hear your concern about your mom’s cognitive health. If you’re worried that your mom may not be of sound mind, it could be time to consult a neutral third party —someone who is unbiased, objective, and not directly involved in the family dynamics. This might be a geriatric care manager, a Certified Financial Planner, or an attorney specializing in elder law or estate planning. These professionals can help your mom make informed decisions and ensure that the estate planning is done legally. Some elder law firms specialize in helping families with this kind of decision-making. You might also ask for recommendations from local support groups or even your family doctor.
If your brother reacts poorly to any of this, remind him of your boundaries and tell him you feel uncomfortable with the request. This is a tough situation, but doing the right thing—legally and ethically—is ultimately in everyone’s best interest.
—Kristin
Link five
****
6. DEAR ABBY: I've been married a long time. My in-laws have been a problem during my entire marriage. I've had serious health issues and a lot of surgeries over the past 10 years. My cancer came back, and I had to have colon surgery just to name one.
Most recently, I had hand surgery. When my in-laws found out, they couldn't stop laughing at me. When one of them saw me again, she laughed and asked, "Any more planned?" I didn't answer; I just walked away. I want to cut them out of my life. My husband is not supportive. Am I wrong? -- RECOVERING IN INDIANA
DEAR RECOVERING: Your in-laws have a sarcastic sense of humor and no empathy. I can't blame you for wanting to protect yourself, especially since your husband is unwilling to protect you from his family's hurtful reaction. Avoiding people who hurt you is healthy, and you would not be wrong to do it. If you want to take a step back, do so.
Link six
This week
1. Dear Prudence,
Three months ago, the woman who was having an affair with my husband died suddenly from an accident. I found out about the affair only two days after her funeral. I thought she was simply a co-worker and I was wondering why my husband was so disturbed and emotional. He quit his job, saying it was too traumatic to go to work. She was in the early weeks of pregnancy when she died and my husband doesn’t know whether he or her husband was the father. So, on top of everything, he’s also grieving for a baby which may or may not have been his. I find it extremely difficult to be emotionally supportive when he wakes up at 3 A.M. crying and trembling—yet I don’t have the heart to yell at him like I want to. He says she’s dead, so there’s no reason for me to feel jealous or threatened, and asks for my understanding as he grieves. We’ve barely talked these last weeks because I don’t know how to respond to my husband when he cries and says he misses her and wishes she were here, then also how much he loves me and that he never intended to leave me. I asked him to visit a marriage therapist together and he said he’s “not ready” to work on our marriage, and thinks he needs to see a grief therapist instead. Do I need to give him time to mourn the loss of his mistress? Or should I demand he focus on our marriage?
You cannot impose a schedule on someone else’s grief. So I think you should let your husband fully experience his—alone. If you are being asked to be an understanding source of solace while he mourns the loss of his mistress, a woman who was possibly the mother of his child, then that is an emotional burden that’s simply outside the bounds of what one spouse can ask of another. He’s told you flat out he can’t work on his marriage because he’s too torn up about the death of the woman he loved. So I think you should tell him to move out while you each figure out what you want out of your marriage and life. In addition, I hope he is independently wealthy, or has fantastically in-demand professional skills, because quitting his job over her death indicates he’s gone off the deep end. I can’t imagine how he’s going to explain that departure to potential employers. Of course you’re reeling over these events, so if he won’t see a counselor with you, consider going alone. And you’ve left us all wondering: Does the grieving widower have any idea what his wife was up to?
—Emily Yoffee
Link one
2. In December, my son attended a religious retreat away from home. When some of the high school boys were in a room alone with girls, the boys got overexcited, turned off the lights and yelled “Tickle fight!” One of the girls was touched on the shoulder, but nothing remotely sexual happened. The adviser to the group has barred the boys involved from the next retreat. But I think it’s important for them to attend and discuss what happened rather than suffer an exclusionary punishment. Excluding the boys will only make things worse for the girl: Everyone knows she is the reason the boys won’t be there. I think it would be better to have the girl explain to the boys (with adult support) why their behavior was wrong. But I can’t convince the adviser. Thoughts?
DAD
I think your love for your son is impeding your judgment. When children are at home, their parents are the arbiters of appropriate discipline. But when they go off with youth groups, for instance, those organizations assume responsibility for the welfare of all attendees. My first job was as a teacher at a Swiss boarding school. And chaperoning mixed groups of teenagers overnight was the worst: I was often the lone adult charged with preventing a dozen wily students from drinking, having sex or sneaking off at night.
So, if the retreat organizer has decided to exclude the boys who made trouble on the last trip to send a strong message about inappropriate behavior (or because of limited resources for supervision), I find that reasonable. And I disagree with much of your position: You fail to acknowledge that the episode may have been frightening for some girls, even if nothing sexual happened. You are incorrect in stating that the girl is “the reason” for the boys’ punishment; the boys’ behavior is. And no girl is responsible for explaining to teenage boys why unwanted touching is wrong. That is your job!
It sounds as if you have already made your pitch to the organization and it was rejected. So, rather than clinging to a minimizing “boys will be boys” argument, I suggest that you sit your son down to discuss the contours of appropriate behavior and the seriousness of unwanted touching.
Link two
3. A friend takes his new dog with him wherever he goes. My building has a strict no-pets policy. A neighbor was asked to leave once the landlord discovered her cat. Therefore, I do not want the dog coming over to visit. My friend told me that if the dog is not welcome, then he is not welcome. I don’t want to hurt his feelings, but I feel he’s being irrational. What is the best way to deal with this?
That poor dog. I’m sure if it could talk, it would say, “Dude! Can I get some privacy once in a while to just chill out and groom myself? I know I’m a highly social pack-dwelling animal and all that, but even a dog needs some ‘me time.’ Don’t you have any human friends?” And then your friend would have to confess that, in fact, his social life has been dropping off these days. And the dog would ask why, and your friend would explain that it was because he insists on bringing the dog everywhere, and the dog would say, “Are you insane? You can’t invade and dominate another human’s territory like that! That would be like me eating a bone in another dog’s bed. Respect the sanctity of others’ space, dude. I can’t believe I had to tell you that. Sheesh.” And the dog would be right, because dogs have a better natural sense of etiquette than humans do.
Sadly, however, they cannot talk. Which means that they cannot share their wisdom with us, and also that it’s up to you to stand up for yourself.
Tell your friend that you can’t risk getting evicted so that he can have his dog with him, period. This is not a judgment on his lifestyle or priorities or a valuation of your friendship. It is simply a practical matter. You’ll socialize at his house or the dog park from now on. As long as you are calm and nonconfrontational about it, you shouldn’t have to worry about hurting his feelings. If he truly expects you to risk trouble with your landlord so that he can have his dog with him, he is not the friend you thought he was.
Link three
4. DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband recently passed, and I sent thank-you notes to everyone who gave a monetary gift or sent flowers.
Are thank-you notes required to those who attended the wake services? I heard that a friend of a friend was offended at not receiving a thank-you.
GENTLE READER: Really? Someone thought that attending your husband's wake was a favor to you?
Miss Manners does not want to discourage letters of thanks, which are in short supply. If hosts want to write to thank their guests, she is not going to discourage them. But unlike the ordinary obligation of guests to thank their hosts, it is not necessary.
Any such expectation is particularly ugly in connection with funerary services, where the purpose is to show respect for the deceased and offer comfort to the bereaved.
Link four
5. Dear Pay Dirt,
My dad passed away last year and my mom is in delicate health. My dad invested well and there is enough to keep her comfortable even if she lives to 102. We don’t have a close relationship but my brother is unreliable, at best, so when she asked me to be the executor of the will I agreed.
But now that I know more about the will, I’m horrified. The will leaves a little to charity, a little to their church, and a very very little (like $100) to my brother’s young kids, and a dollar to my brother. The bulk of the estate is left to me, my family, and my children. But outside the will, my mom has verbally told me and left written instructions asking me to pay out half of “my” inheritance to my brother under the table within six months of receiving it. He apparently owes considerable child support and both my brother and my mom are convinced this will avoid garnishment. I didn’t react on the phone call with them because I was so stunned. I’m starting to question whether she’s of sound mind.
Not only is this illegal and unethical it’s also something I wouldn’t even know how to do. The cleanest thing I can think of is to give half of the inheritance to my brother, legally and with transparency. He will be subject to taxes and anything else. I assume he will be furious and that our relationship will not recover. It might seem simple on paper but I’m heartbroken by this, and worried about losing any remaining connection to my extended family.
I have no idea how to have this conversation with my mom or brother, or if I even should. My mom has always doted on my brother, and her jealous treatment of his now ex-wife seemed like a major driver in their divorce. She’s never done anything like this before, though, , and I’m worried it’s a combination of previous feelings and new cognitive problems. How do I even start here?
—Unwilling Inheritor
Dear Unwilling,
It’s understandable that you want to honor your mom’s wishes, but I think your instincts are right. Her request to give half your inheritance to your brother “under the table” to avoid child support is both illegal and unethical. As executor of the will, your job is to follow the law, and hiding assets could lead to serious legal consequences.
The best course of action? Keep everything transparent. If your brother needs financial help after your mom has passed, you can give him money, but it should be done through the proper channels —subject to taxes and whatever legal obligations exist. Given the situation here, it’s wise to consult an estate lawyer to help you make sure everything is handled correctly.
Of course, there’s also the family dynamic issue. Have an honest conversation with your mom, explain to her that you’re uncomfortable with her request because of the legal risks involved. You could suggest that she work with a lawyer to find a way to manage her estate without violating the law (or putting you in the middle of it!).
I also hear your concern about your mom’s cognitive health. If you’re worried that your mom may not be of sound mind, it could be time to consult a neutral third party —someone who is unbiased, objective, and not directly involved in the family dynamics. This might be a geriatric care manager, a Certified Financial Planner, or an attorney specializing in elder law or estate planning. These professionals can help your mom make informed decisions and ensure that the estate planning is done legally. Some elder law firms specialize in helping families with this kind of decision-making. You might also ask for recommendations from local support groups or even your family doctor.
If your brother reacts poorly to any of this, remind him of your boundaries and tell him you feel uncomfortable with the request. This is a tough situation, but doing the right thing—legally and ethically—is ultimately in everyone’s best interest.
—Kristin
Link five
6. DEAR ABBY: I've been married a long time. My in-laws have been a problem during my entire marriage. I've had serious health issues and a lot of surgeries over the past 10 years. My cancer came back, and I had to have colon surgery just to name one.
Most recently, I had hand surgery. When my in-laws found out, they couldn't stop laughing at me. When one of them saw me again, she laughed and asked, "Any more planned?" I didn't answer; I just walked away. I want to cut them out of my life. My husband is not supportive. Am I wrong? -- RECOVERING IN INDIANA
DEAR RECOVERING: Your in-laws have a sarcastic sense of humor and no empathy. I can't blame you for wanting to protect yourself, especially since your husband is unwilling to protect you from his family's hurtful reaction. Avoiding people who hurt you is healthy, and you would not be wrong to do it. If you want to take a step back, do so.
Link six