Dear Abby: Mistress Seeking Solace Still Mourns Years After Man's Death

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: I don't know what to do. I was having an affair with the most wonderful (married) man. I'm sure that he and I were the only ones who knew. He passed away unexpectedly a few years ago. I still go to the place where we met and hung out together. In my mind, I see him walking in and speaking his last words to me.

How do I mourn for him without giving it away? He was cremated, so there's no grave to visit. I end up in tears when I visit "our" place. I need all the advice you have to offer. -- NEEDS HELP IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR NEEDS HELP: Please accept my sympathy for your clearly heartfelt loss. Ordinarily I'd suggest you join a grief support group, but I'm afraid if you do, you might run into his widow if you live in the same area.

It might help you to visit the place you met less often. Surely there are less painful places you can go to quietly reflect on your relationship. You might also consider discussing your feelings with a therapist or a trusted, nonjudgmental friend, because keeping these feelings bottled up is not healthy.

Comments

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[cereta]

This is one of those, "I'm curious to see people's responses" posts.

[jadelennox]

Grief is a real thing, and Abby's advice to avoid any place where LW might run into the dead man's spouse is good advice. I don't have sympathy for people in affairs, usually, but this is legit.

My advice would mirror "therapist or trusted, non-judgemental friend" but would also include just openly admitting they are grieving without any details. "I'm sorry, I'm going through a rough time right now. I lost somebody a few years ago. No, nobody you know." Let people believe you were dating someone from the Internet, or something.

As a person who's bottled up grief myself, it's not a course I can recommend.

[rosefox]

That was a surprisingly thoughtful reply and I agree with the advice.

I was in nearly the same position many years ago; my deceased partner hadn't been out to his family as polyamorous. When I went to the memorial service, I said I was "a friend". The deception was incredibly hard on top of the grief (and other exacerbating factors). What helped me was leaning on friends I could be out to, journaling, and seeing a good therapist. I hope Needs Help in Massachusetts finds similar resources.