Two letters about much younger siblings, from two perspectives

[conuly]

1. DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a sister who is 20 years younger than I am. I’m 30, and she’s only 10 years old. Because of this huge age gap, we’ve never really had a chance to bond or develop a close relationship. While I love her dearly, every time it’s just the two of us, the conversation feels forced and awkward. I don't think either of us is necessarily to blame. She's so much younger, and we’re at completely different stages in life, but it leaves me feeling sad and disconnected.

I go to visit her and my parents often so that we have plenty of opportunities to become closer, but sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever have the kind of sibling bond I’ve seen other people enjoy with their brothers or sisters. I want to find ways to relate to her better and make her feel comfortable around me, but I don’t know where to start. She’s my only sibling, and the thought of us not being close upsets me. How can I help us become closer in our relationship so that we have a stronger bond in the future? -- Sibling Disconnect

DEAR SIBLING DISCONNECT: Your sister is a child, and you do not live together, so you will not have much in common now. Don’t look for that. Instead, be with her when you are together. Listen to her. Invite her to share her world with you. Find out what interests her. Try to remember what you cared about at her age. Share appropriate connecting stories as you remember them.

Expose her to your world. What do you like to do that might interest her? Arts activities, music, books? Show her who you are as she does the same for you. Allow your relationship to grow naturally. She may seem more like a daughter or niece than a sister for a few years, but that’s fine too.

Link one

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2. DEAR HARRIETTE: I’ve been an aunt since I was 9 years old. I am 29 now, the youngest of five sisters and an aunt to 11 nieces and nephews. For as long as I can remember, I’ve been the default babysitter. I live at home with my mom, which seems to be a prime location for all of my sisters when they need parental relief. Sometimes they show up unannounced or with short notice and simply tell me they need someone to watch their children for a few hours -- or sometimes overnight. I think because I do not currently have a partner or children, they assume I am always home or available. If I tell them otherwise, they ask if my social engagements are as important as my nieces or nephews. I don’t like that they always expect me to cancel plans at their behest, but I’m not allowed to expect them to plan ahead.

Lately, I’ve been saying no more often. Even when I am free, I’d prefer to be alone. I’ve noticed that sometimes they plan outings without me and say, “we thought you wanted to be alone.” I’ve tried explaining to them, for years now, that all my free time being dedicated to child care is overwhelming -- especially when I am not yet an actual mother -- but they tell me I’m insensitive and say I’ll understand how they feel when my time comes. I think this dynamic has pushed me to be defensive with my siblings and not as joyous with my nieces and nephews. I want all these relationships to be more amicable, and I want my sisters to understand my boundaries. How do I get them to see my side? -- Tired Auntie

DEAR TIRED AUNTIE: Speak to your siblings. Remind them how much you love them and their children, but point out that you have your own life. Explain that as much as you like to help them -- sometimes -- you do not appreciate their assumption that you are always on call to care for their children. Ask them to take a more respectful approach this year, where they inquire about your availability and schedule child care ahead of time rather than treating you like their on-call sitter.

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Comments

[jenett]

I'm 16 years younger than my sister (and 15 years younger than our brother) so I grew up with nearly that kind of age gap. (I'm now in my late 40s and they're looking at retirement age...)

One of the things we've talked about as adults is how different the houses we grew up in were - starting with state, but also economic security and the way our parents were in the larger community. (Our father was a professor, my siblings were born before he was tenured, I was born after he'd not only had tenure for about 15 years, but had been chair of the department multiple times).

He was able to be a lot more present in my day to day life in some ways because of it (he could set a schedule that meant he was able to be the one picking me up at school a lot - he'd then do more work while I was doing homework or in bed.)

But also, differences in parenting, because by the time I got them, our parents had an idea what they were doing, what they wanted to prioritise in various ways, and all that.

Just. What I got was really different (and, um, my parents also made some things much easier for me than it was for them.) On the complicated side, our father died when I was 15, and whoo boy is that whole lot of difference, because I never got to know him when I was an adult and they did.

What's fascinating to us is that all three of us went through similar phases as adults in terms of particular interests (we *all* had a breadbaking phase which has never quite stopped, though I started earlier in my life than they did.) We've all had bits of very similar crafting interest. We all read different corners of genre fiction, but with enough overlap to enjoy conversations.

Anyway, my advice to the sister here is to figure out a way to keep the connection open independent from their parents whether that's some sort of fun correspondence, a distance-friendly game night, or just plain being curious. Little sister's not going to be a companion-type friend for a while, but maybe in 15 years, she'll be able to offer great advice about something she knows well that you don't. (Maybe sooner.)

(My sister calling me up a couple of years ago for some personal advice completely blew my mind, but she was very "Look, you're an adult, you're sensible about this thing, why wouldn't I ask you?")

And on an entirely practical level, the thing about seeing different sides of parents can be really handy when you start thinking about elder care or how to handle specific issues. (My siblings and I figured out when I was a relatively young adult that our mother was telling us all different pieces of some things, and we have now learned to share information routinely about the relevant topics.)

[katiedid717]

I'm the oldest of 5 (born in 1985, 1987, 1988, 1993, and 1996) and even with that relative closeness, there were still a lot of differences between how The Big Kids and The Little Girls grew up - some of that was because of technology, some was Mom switching to overnights instead of evening shifts, some of that was the difference with getting outside babysitters versus paying your teenager (my parents paid me to babysit my sisters because they knew if they didn't I would get a paying job elsewhere and they'd have to pay one of my friends instead). What's been really interesting to me is watching the way that my relationship with my youngest sister has evolved over the years: 6/17 she was my excuse to see Disney movies in theaters, 13/24 I was her trusted adult, 21/32 we were the unmarried "bookends" who'd both experienced feeling "othered" from the rest of the group, etc. Out of my sisters and brother, I really consider myself closest to her these days. And also, yeah, I think it was probably a little weird for both of us when I was like "Heyyy, so I'm thinking about becoming a single mom" and she was like "Here are the things you should know based on my experiences being sole practical parent to a baby while my husband is overseas."

(I've also been lucky enough to land a therapist who's the youngest of 6 and therefore understands the way that Big Family Relationship Dynamics will fluctuate!)

[jenett]

The family deal on babysitting was that the first three people who were not me to put things on the calendar did them, and the last one had responsibility for me (barring other negotiations - my father had a lot of evening-related work stuff, but an irregular schedule of it).

But they also paid my brother and sister for babysitting, which was fair. (Half the going rate of what they were getting for babysitting for other people. But they were home, could do whatever they wanted so long as I was taken care of, and could have friends over. And I was a generally really easy kid.)