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Two letters about much younger siblings, from two perspectives
1. DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a sister who is 20 years younger than I am. I’m 30, and she’s only 10 years old. Because of this huge age gap, we’ve never really had a chance to bond or develop a close relationship. While I love her dearly, every time it’s just the two of us, the conversation feels forced and awkward. I don't think either of us is necessarily to blame. She's so much younger, and we’re at completely different stages in life, but it leaves me feeling sad and disconnected.
I go to visit her and my parents often so that we have plenty of opportunities to become closer, but sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever have the kind of sibling bond I’ve seen other people enjoy with their brothers or sisters. I want to find ways to relate to her better and make her feel comfortable around me, but I don’t know where to start. She’s my only sibling, and the thought of us not being close upsets me. How can I help us become closer in our relationship so that we have a stronger bond in the future? -- Sibling Disconnect
DEAR SIBLING DISCONNECT: Your sister is a child, and you do not live together, so you will not have much in common now. Don’t look for that. Instead, be with her when you are together. Listen to her. Invite her to share her world with you. Find out what interests her. Try to remember what you cared about at her age. Share appropriate connecting stories as you remember them.
Expose her to your world. What do you like to do that might interest her? Arts activities, music, books? Show her who you are as she does the same for you. Allow your relationship to grow naturally. She may seem more like a daughter or niece than a sister for a few years, but that’s fine too.
Link one
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2. DEAR HARRIETTE: I’ve been an aunt since I was 9 years old. I am 29 now, the youngest of five sisters and an aunt to 11 nieces and nephews. For as long as I can remember, I’ve been the default babysitter. I live at home with my mom, which seems to be a prime location for all of my sisters when they need parental relief. Sometimes they show up unannounced or with short notice and simply tell me they need someone to watch their children for a few hours -- or sometimes overnight. I think because I do not currently have a partner or children, they assume I am always home or available. If I tell them otherwise, they ask if my social engagements are as important as my nieces or nephews. I don’t like that they always expect me to cancel plans at their behest, but I’m not allowed to expect them to plan ahead.
Lately, I’ve been saying no more often. Even when I am free, I’d prefer to be alone. I’ve noticed that sometimes they plan outings without me and say, “we thought you wanted to be alone.” I’ve tried explaining to them, for years now, that all my free time being dedicated to child care is overwhelming -- especially when I am not yet an actual mother -- but they tell me I’m insensitive and say I’ll understand how they feel when my time comes. I think this dynamic has pushed me to be defensive with my siblings and not as joyous with my nieces and nephews. I want all these relationships to be more amicable, and I want my sisters to understand my boundaries. How do I get them to see my side? -- Tired Auntie
DEAR TIRED AUNTIE: Speak to your siblings. Remind them how much you love them and their children, but point out that you have your own life. Explain that as much as you like to help them -- sometimes -- you do not appreciate their assumption that you are always on call to care for their children. Ask them to take a more respectful approach this year, where they inquire about your availability and schedule child care ahead of time rather than treating you like their on-call sitter.
Link two
I go to visit her and my parents often so that we have plenty of opportunities to become closer, but sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever have the kind of sibling bond I’ve seen other people enjoy with their brothers or sisters. I want to find ways to relate to her better and make her feel comfortable around me, but I don’t know where to start. She’s my only sibling, and the thought of us not being close upsets me. How can I help us become closer in our relationship so that we have a stronger bond in the future? -- Sibling Disconnect
DEAR SIBLING DISCONNECT: Your sister is a child, and you do not live together, so you will not have much in common now. Don’t look for that. Instead, be with her when you are together. Listen to her. Invite her to share her world with you. Find out what interests her. Try to remember what you cared about at her age. Share appropriate connecting stories as you remember them.
Expose her to your world. What do you like to do that might interest her? Arts activities, music, books? Show her who you are as she does the same for you. Allow your relationship to grow naturally. She may seem more like a daughter or niece than a sister for a few years, but that’s fine too.
Link one
2. DEAR HARRIETTE: I’ve been an aunt since I was 9 years old. I am 29 now, the youngest of five sisters and an aunt to 11 nieces and nephews. For as long as I can remember, I’ve been the default babysitter. I live at home with my mom, which seems to be a prime location for all of my sisters when they need parental relief. Sometimes they show up unannounced or with short notice and simply tell me they need someone to watch their children for a few hours -- or sometimes overnight. I think because I do not currently have a partner or children, they assume I am always home or available. If I tell them otherwise, they ask if my social engagements are as important as my nieces or nephews. I don’t like that they always expect me to cancel plans at their behest, but I’m not allowed to expect them to plan ahead.
Lately, I’ve been saying no more often. Even when I am free, I’d prefer to be alone. I’ve noticed that sometimes they plan outings without me and say, “we thought you wanted to be alone.” I’ve tried explaining to them, for years now, that all my free time being dedicated to child care is overwhelming -- especially when I am not yet an actual mother -- but they tell me I’m insensitive and say I’ll understand how they feel when my time comes. I think this dynamic has pushed me to be defensive with my siblings and not as joyous with my nieces and nephews. I want all these relationships to be more amicable, and I want my sisters to understand my boundaries. How do I get them to see my side? -- Tired Auntie
DEAR TIRED AUNTIE: Speak to your siblings. Remind them how much you love them and their children, but point out that you have your own life. Explain that as much as you like to help them -- sometimes -- you do not appreciate their assumption that you are always on call to care for their children. Ask them to take a more respectful approach this year, where they inquire about your availability and schedule child care ahead of time rather than treating you like their on-call sitter.
Link two
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