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Dear Prudence,
I don’t know what to do about my sister. She has been married to her husband since her stepdaughter was 3 and has been her primary parent for six years. Her stepdaughter adores her, but she is still not “mama.” The biological mother suffers from severe schizophrenia and has been hospitalized many times. She lives with her parents and only interacts with her daughter once a month.
I know my sister and her husband have been trying for a child for a while, but my sister recently called me in tears to tell me that they are both suffering from infertility conditions that make a biological child almost impossible even with a surrogate. Basically, her stepdaughter was a one in a million. But this fact is a thorn in her side.
She confessed she resents that her husband has a biological child and she has “nothing.” I mentioned that her stepdaughter loves her. She said that wasn’t enough. She will never be “mama.” Sometimes she resents the fact she does everything and still that “crazy woman” gets the title. I chalked it up to grief in the moment. But we have had many new conversations where my sister vented and seemed to resent her husband and her stepdaughter for things like, “She didn’t clean her room and her dad didn’t punish her.” Or she hates the sound of her name in her stepdaughter’s mouth. I have gently and directly suggested she talk to a professional but my sister brushes me off. I am really worried about my sister. I am more worried about my niece. I have no clue what to do or say here. Our family loves nothing more than to gossip and judge. What do I do?
—Deep Waters
Dear Deep Waters,
Your sister is working through some geological-level issues here with her sense of self-worth, and it sounds like she’s forming a very ugly relationship with her stepdaughter as a result. Whether it’s a mental health professional or a support group—or even a couple of stepmom friends—she needs a proper outlet for venting. I think your job here is to affirm your sister’s complicated (to put it lightly) feelings, and to steer her toward one of these outlets as best that you can. Tell her that being a stepmom (and a woman struggling with infertility) is complicated, and that she needs to talk to people who can actually relate to how hard it is. This isn’t the life she pictured for herself, and she does need some time to be furious about that.
That said, while she’s allowed to be angry, your sister is not allowed to take this anger out on the stepdaughter in any way. The part of your letter that concerns me is the open contempt your sister seems to have for this child: saying that the child’s love isn’t enough, or that she “hates the sound of her name” in a 9-year-old’s mouth. On this front, you need to give your sister some tough love: something along the lines of “I love you, I support you in this difficult time, but you are actively turning into an evil stepmother if you don’t get a handle on your anger toward your stepdaughter.” She is putting that relationship—and I imagine, her marriage—at risk if she can’t find a constructive outlet for working out her feelings about this immediately. If that isn’t obvious to her already, you should spell it out for her.
As for your niece, this would be a good time to work on your own relationship with her. Offer to take over pick-up or drop-off a couple of days a week, or to take her off her parents’ hands for a weekend afternoon on the regular. There’s no doubt that this little girl is picking up on the bad vibes your sister is directing her way, and it will do her good to spend time with someone who doesn’t actively resent her existence.
—Delia
Link
I don’t know what to do about my sister. She has been married to her husband since her stepdaughter was 3 and has been her primary parent for six years. Her stepdaughter adores her, but she is still not “mama.” The biological mother suffers from severe schizophrenia and has been hospitalized many times. She lives with her parents and only interacts with her daughter once a month.
I know my sister and her husband have been trying for a child for a while, but my sister recently called me in tears to tell me that they are both suffering from infertility conditions that make a biological child almost impossible even with a surrogate. Basically, her stepdaughter was a one in a million. But this fact is a thorn in her side.
She confessed she resents that her husband has a biological child and she has “nothing.” I mentioned that her stepdaughter loves her. She said that wasn’t enough. She will never be “mama.” Sometimes she resents the fact she does everything and still that “crazy woman” gets the title. I chalked it up to grief in the moment. But we have had many new conversations where my sister vented and seemed to resent her husband and her stepdaughter for things like, “She didn’t clean her room and her dad didn’t punish her.” Or she hates the sound of her name in her stepdaughter’s mouth. I have gently and directly suggested she talk to a professional but my sister brushes me off. I am really worried about my sister. I am more worried about my niece. I have no clue what to do or say here. Our family loves nothing more than to gossip and judge. What do I do?
—Deep Waters
Dear Deep Waters,
Your sister is working through some geological-level issues here with her sense of self-worth, and it sounds like she’s forming a very ugly relationship with her stepdaughter as a result. Whether it’s a mental health professional or a support group—or even a couple of stepmom friends—she needs a proper outlet for venting. I think your job here is to affirm your sister’s complicated (to put it lightly) feelings, and to steer her toward one of these outlets as best that you can. Tell her that being a stepmom (and a woman struggling with infertility) is complicated, and that she needs to talk to people who can actually relate to how hard it is. This isn’t the life she pictured for herself, and she does need some time to be furious about that.
That said, while she’s allowed to be angry, your sister is not allowed to take this anger out on the stepdaughter in any way. The part of your letter that concerns me is the open contempt your sister seems to have for this child: saying that the child’s love isn’t enough, or that she “hates the sound of her name” in a 9-year-old’s mouth. On this front, you need to give your sister some tough love: something along the lines of “I love you, I support you in this difficult time, but you are actively turning into an evil stepmother if you don’t get a handle on your anger toward your stepdaughter.” She is putting that relationship—and I imagine, her marriage—at risk if she can’t find a constructive outlet for working out her feelings about this immediately. If that isn’t obvious to her already, you should spell it out for her.
As for your niece, this would be a good time to work on your own relationship with her. Offer to take over pick-up or drop-off a couple of days a week, or to take her off her parents’ hands for a weekend afternoon on the regular. There’s no doubt that this little girl is picking up on the bad vibes your sister is directing her way, and it will do her good to spend time with someone who doesn’t actively resent her existence.
—Delia
Link
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And I think it's a misstep on the LW's part to counter grief over infertility with "but your stepdaughter loves you"--having something else good doesn't cancel out grief, sister gets to be wrecked about these infertility diagnoses, and that response is pretty invalidating of LW. I'm not surprised she got a poorly-chosen response from Sister. I don't know--feeling resentment in the immediate aftermath of this news also seems pretty normal for me. Is she changing how she treats the stepdaughter over it? Is she expecting the stepdaughter to bear the brunt of the feelings she's having? From the letter...maybe? But there's not enough info to tell. Venting these feelings to a sibling is really different from taking them out on your kid.
That said, what can LW do? LW can apologise for invalidating Sister's grief. LW can express being uncomfortable with the resentment Sister expresses for her partner and stepdaughter, and either decline to listen to that further, or ask what's under that (especially if it's out of character for Sister). LW can try again to redirect Sister's grief venting to stepparent supports, or I'd suggest infertility support groups--there are a bunch of them, they can also support people whose infertility grief is coming out as resentment of other parents and kids, they're often more affordable than "seeing a professional" and may feel less stigmatising especially where there's already some mental health stigma in the mix (see: "that crazy woman").
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Yeah, I was thinking some of what you said here. Sister has a LOT on her emotional plate, it's no wonder it's cracking. Still, it's one thing if Sister has chosen LW to vent to and is still taking good care of the stepdaughter and another if she is actually taking this out on the little girl. And LW is allowed to gently resign from being vented to, but I wish the advice had more explicitly encouraged her to think about that part.
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yeah she is messing up a bunch and the fertility stuff is Hard. But where is the husband in this? LW's sister is the "primary parent" of a stepchild who calls her the same name she'd call a stranger, and she's dealing with infertility and never being someone's "real mother" (who gets called mother)... good god where's this husband in this.
My sympathies are with this kid and with her stepmom because that is a relationship not being set up for success by anyone else in this family.