It must be nice to have no self-awareness

[conuly]

DEAR ABBY: I've been with my husband for 10 years. For a long time, I didn't decorate our house because I didn't want to spend the money. But for the last few years, I've spent many hours poring over Pinterest. I LOVE interior decorating and know exactly how I want each room of the house to look.

The problem is my husband. I once tried to buy a new shower curtain. It was a huge debacle because he didn't like the one I'd chosen. Abby, I have done my homework. How do I convince my husband to give me free rein in decorating? I'm afraid every paint color and every piece of furniture is going to be an argument, and I'm so discouraged I don't even try.

We've had the same curtains, bedding and dining room table for years, and our house is very ugly. Should I just start making changes without consulting him? Should I sit him down and talk to him? Is it fair of me to not take his preferences into account? -- FRUSTRATED CREATIVE

DEAR FRUSTRATED: By all means, discuss this with your husband before making any changes. Under no circumstances should you make any without consulting him. It would be extremely unfair to ignore his opinion. Some compromises will have to be made. The least contentious way to accomplish this would be with the help of a professional decorator who can take both your preferences into account and help you to blend them.

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Comments

[conuly]

I'm not sure how, exactly, a new shower curtain turned into "a huge debacle", but nevertheless - yes, you have to ask your husband's opinion about the shared family house you both have to live in! LW, why is this even a question?

[sushiflop]

Letters that prompt a Principal Skinner-style oh my WORD what is happening in there reaction

[redbird]

No amount of "homework" is going to get past the fact that people's tastes differ. Usually, there's enough overlap that two people can agree on something they both like, but someone whose "homework" is figuring out exactly what she wants, doesn't sound likely to "settle" for her second or third choice.

However, someone whose perceived options are "sit him down and talk to him" (rather than "sit down and talk about it" and "just start making changes without consulting him" has larger problems than paint colors or furniture. LW knows what happened the last time she just made a decision without decor consulting him, and describes it as a "debacle."

They don't need an interior decorator, they need a couples counselor, who can, maybe, help them get back to treating each other as partners in a relationship, and making decisions together.

[katiedid717]

There used to be an HGTV series where a designer would go to a couple's home and find a way to make their conflicting styles work together. Maybe something like that would help this couple, but it sounds like the LW just wants to go ahead and do everything on their own with zero input. I'm also wondering if LW did something that one of my girlfriends did and put in some kind of uber-femme super floral shower curtain - her husband wasn't exactly thrilled either, but they resolved it by going to Target and, y'know, finding something they both liked. Like normal adults.

[julian]

Sit down and have a conversation. Which is, yes, different from sitting him down and talking to him.

He *may* even *help* with the decoration. Gasp.

[lilysea]

One possible solution:

one room (study? guest bedroom? craft room? LW's home office?) is entirely LW's to decorate

one room is entirely husband's to decorate

for every other room, they sit down and work together and compromise

[mrissa]

It took us literally years to repaint the living room because the consensus process took that long, and because two of us were not going to override the third one and paint the living room a color he did not like. So yeah. Talk. Talk about this. If that's what you mean by "huge debacle," get comfortable with it, because "I get to change everything and you get no say" is not a rule.

However.

If you had to replace a mildewed or torn shower curtain and the other person in your house made your life a living hell for the supposed imperfection of your choice, maybe look at other aspects of that relationship and make sure this is not a person who is willing to hound you into submission on every detail. Don't be that person, but also don't be with that person.

[full_metal_ox]

I’m wondering what else might be going on in LW’s life and marriage: does she regard home decor as one of the few avenues of self-expression she’s permitted, and so has a vision of the house as her magnum opus?

[ysobel]

But that's logical! We can't have that ;)

[azurelunatic]

I essentially moved in with my partner as soon as they evicted their ex; despite six months of notice to vacate, she left a lot of things. After a few tactless observations about beloved or lovely objects (on both sides), we agreed on more neutral language for our feelings. "That's not my aesthetic" was the phrase we settled on, to avoid stepping on each other's toes. If we both agreed, we were then free to use precision derogatory terms, but that way we could pretend we were coming from a place of "I'm sure it's nice but I don't like it".

[sushiflop]

Yeah, you know, regarding the latter point, I can absolutely see a reality behind this story where the husband is hypercontrolling of their environment and there is no good choice LW can make because LW is making the choice, not him. Even a pretty bad shower curtain shouldn't be a "debacle" I don't... think? 😬 Like I am DYING to know what this shower curtain was.

LW clearly has some issues. But I can very easily see both people here having issues.

[serriadh]

I wonder if it was the shower curtain or the money. Is LW generally "allowed" to spend money on things she decides (relatively small things, not £££ redecorating the whole house). A 'debacle' over a shower curtain sounds more like 'controlling about money' than 'controlling about decor' to me.

[sushiflop]

Also a really great point! I feel like a lot of things could be churning under the surface in this letter.

[katiedid717]

Or, it could be that she spent an irrationally high amount on a shower curtain (this brought to you by the $175-200 shower curtains available from Anthropologie)